If you’re in your 50s +, do you have friends who still have regular drama and need to talk for ‘advice’?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say drama, but my friends and I are all in perimenopause with kids in high school. We lean on each other, commiserate, and brainstorm. Isn't that what friends are for?

+1 I appreciate my friends where we can catch up, fill each other in on what’s going on with our lives, talk about our ups and downs, and just generally commiserate and/or celebrate. Conversation is reciprocal with give and take, we are both there to talk and listen to one another equally.


What I do find annoying are friends who think their problems are so much worse than everyone else’s, and make a huge problem out of every little thing. For example, I have a friend whose husband travels a lot for work, and she’s always complaining about how hard her life is taking care of her kids, making them breakfast every morning, driving them around, etc. (along with her full-time nanny and housekeeper). I am in the same boat as she is with three kids and a husband who isn’t around a whole lot, but her level of complaining takes it to another level. I find that after our conversations, I know everything going on in her life and she basically has no idea what’s going on with mine because she never asks and never gives me an in in the conversation to start talking. She also feels the need to be the center of attention… If she feels slighted, she’ll let you know, but nothing is ever her fault. She also happens to be a really big drinker, maybe she’s an alcoholic, who knows. These are the types of friends who are annoying. On the flipside, given her need for constant attention, she often throws parties and is very social, and can be really fun. I’m getting to the point in my 50s, though, where I’m not sure it’s worth it.

I'm a PP and this sums up my drama-filled friend and our one-sided friendship. I realized after our last half hour convo that she had no idea what was going on with me so I texted her about something going on in my life and she texted back "I understand." Not sure what I was expecting but after a half hour listening and advising on her latest crisis, I guess I expected more than two words, even over text. As PP said, "I'm getting to the point in my 50s, though, where I'm not sure it's worth it."

Also have one of those friends. I make a game out of how long it takes her to ask me a question and sometimes in a 45-minute conversation, it's never. Amd the questions are more generic, like what's up with you? Not specific ones that mean she listened, like a follow up to something I told her. One time she asked about a special vacation I took with my daughter, and every time I told her something she compared it to her high school trip there over thirty years ago. I thought it was the rare time the focus was on my experience, but nope.

The weirdest thing she does is advice shop. She doesn't really want your opinion, she wants validation. If you don't agree with what she's decided, she'll bring up someone who does. I've learned not to give it much thought and just say whatever.

I have a few friends like this. Eventually it has become clear they have somewhat serious mental health issues and one also seems to be a not so secret alcoholic. She always wants me to commiserate on how awful and hard her work is (it’s not, she just can’t hold a job or handle any stress), how disappointed she is that her husband doesn’t earn more (ok but at a certain point you have to move on), and how terrible it is to have to live in the ‘lame’ suburbs (again, get over it).

The other is more focused on health issues. Ironically she is very healthy compared to many of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teenage drama — check
Marriage drama — check
Divorce/ Post divorce drama — check
Work drama — check

Many of my friends with older kids have some kind of drama related to them. Mental health often. It’s not easy to have teens.

Marriage drama — people have midlife crises or their spouses do. One friend had a spouse who transitioned.

Divorce drama, post divorce dating… yup.

The work drama is mainly from a friend who works in the creative industry.

On the extreme end of the spectrum I have one or two friends who have always struggled with mental health but for the most part I have drifted from people who are very unstable.

I don’t think it means they necessarily are dramatic people, many of these friends are very stable. Life is complicated. Raising families and having marriages is complicated. The closer you are to people the more they share about their struggles. I think it’s healthy to be able to do that.

I think sharing is normal. I think expecting people to consistently drop what they’re doing so you can vent is not normal

[Anonymous]

I used to be one of those friends. I had a friend who is extremely confident so I would call her and ask her advice/vent/secure her approval. Thankfully, I stopped doing that by figuring out the root cause of my issues, which was very low self esteem and believing that because I had been given no "blueprint" to life (my parents were uneducated and unemployed and uninvolved, eg never asking even, "how was school today") that I didn't know anything and needed said friend's guidance.

I developed confidence through competence, through recognizing that I had managed to develop a white collar career despite my background and married a high status man, also despite my background. I realized that I have good judgment and certainly don't need to ask friends for guidance on every little thing. I made sure though not to overcorrect, so I still talk to my friends about my life, but more for entertainment or if I need to bounce an idea off someone.