Friend’s 10th grader anxiety & math

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with you. I have a kid who is bright but struggles with executive function and motivation. I pushed him all of middle school but let him go a level down in HS (he re took geometry but he did honors). This year inn10th he is on Alg2 but not honors. He has a solid A and it’s about the only subject I have zero worries about. He finds numerous ways to screw up his other grades. His only honors class is between B- and C+ and I have no idea what his semester grade will be. He managed to screw up a friggin art elective!
So as an anxious parent of a nonchalant, lazy kid I don’t push him. He wanted that honors class, fine. If he has zero interest in chem, why would I push him?
I am glad I pushed him in MS because he can now coast on that foundation. One less thing for me to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t agree with doing that either OP but sincere question why do you care about this enough to type this on the internet?

I guess I’m just tired of listening to essentially the same vent every time I talk to her. Basically “I signed my kid up for too much academically and he’s struggling and anxiety through the roof.” She takes him into work with her when he has days off so she can monitor that he is doing his homework. I honestly feel sorry for the kid.

You know, I have a very close friend whose husband was diagnosed with a very debilitating disease. When we chat, most of it is about his health, her struggles and fears and lots of tears. I am honored that she can be open and honest with me even though our conversations are basically the same and have been for a few years. It’s what friends do. Just let this friend go as you aren’t a true friend.

OP here. It is different. I have a friend with a teenager with level 3 autism, non-verbal, not potty trained. Our conversations are the same and I listen to her vent, because she needs someone to hear her and I am a safe space.
For Cayden’s mom, it is “self” inflicted. He doesn’t need to be in Honors Alg II when he was already struggling over the summer.
I was his middle school robotics coach. I also introduced him to swim team. I have witnessed his anxiety first hand. Normally, it takes him 1-2 weeks into something “new” or “harder” for his anxiety to settle. His first season of swim team (he knew how to swim, private lessons) - he refused to go into the water the first practice, second practice he only stood in the water, and third practice he was out swimming with all the other kids. Each season of swimming, his is anxious the first 1-2 practices. Robotics - some practices I would let him just build on his own as he worked through his anxiety, and when he had worked through whatever had him anxious, he would join in. In this case, he has been struggling / anxious since late June - 5 months - with only a 1 week break between summer geometry and Honors Algebra.

Do you understand that one of these kids won't ever be able to work to maintain financial independence as an adult, and the other will have to? And it's best if the one that has to go out into the world and earn his keep gets used to new things and transitions, etc? It's exposure therapy, OP. This kid would be so much more rigid if he didn't have this integrated life where he is accepted into society and made to do a host of different things that challenge his fears.

You really don't get it. It's so sad for you, especially in your position as coach.

Also explore why YOU are perseverating on this topic. You don't like to be wrong? You always need to have the last word?

Quit already. You're wrong on all levels.

I agree with the above poster. Many posters have also pointed out that some kids with ADHD do not necessarily fare better when they are put into "easier" classes. He could be moved down to regular algebra and he could be just as bad at keeping up with the work, just as prone to procrastinate, and end up just as overwhelmed. She really needs a patient ear as works out how to deal with his executive function issues. I was such a kid, and so I am sympathetic as an adult. On top of the ADHD, it sounds like this kid suffers from anxiety. That is not going to disappear either, if he is allowed to sit at home and not join the normal activities that other kids engage in. He needs exposure in a supportive environment.

Your friend is probably dealing with anxiety too, because her kid has more needs than most kids, including yours. As the PP points out, he will have to support himself one day. As the parent of a neurotypical kid, even I am a little anxious about the future landscape, so I can easily imagine why she is more anxious.

I do not know the details of this kid's cognitive abilities and whether he really is ready for honors algebra 2. However, I'm guessing you are not equipped to diagnose this either. It would be better for both you and your "friend" if you quit judging and tried to be more authentically supportive. You're clearly getting really worked up over this because you've already decided you know her son better than her and would be able to handle things better. That's so easy to say as an outsider. Be humble and realize that your decisions may not have the best outcome either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t agree with doing that either OP but sincere question why do you care about this enough to type this on the internet?

I guess I’m just tired of listening to essentially the same vent every time I talk to her. Basically “I signed my kid up for too much academically and he’s struggling and anxiety through the roof.” She takes him into work with her when he has days off so she can monitor that he is doing his homework. I honestly feel sorry for the kid.

You know, I have a very close friend whose husband was diagnosed with a very debilitating disease. When we chat, most of it is about his health, her struggles and fears and lots of tears. I am honored that she can be open and honest with me even though our conversations are basically the same and have been for a few years. It’s what friends do. Just let this friend go as you aren’t a true friend.

OP here. It is different. I have a friend with a teenager with level 3 autism, non-verbal, not potty trained. Our conversations are the same and I listen to her vent, because she needs someone to hear her and I am a safe space.
For Cayden’s mom, it is “self” inflicted. He doesn’t need to be in Honors Alg II when he was already struggling over the summer.
I was his middle school robotics coach. I also introduced him to swim team. I have witnessed his anxiety first hand. Normally, it takes him 1-2 weeks into something “new” or “harder” for his anxiety to settle. His first season of swim team (he knew how to swim, private lessons) - he refused to go into the water the first practice, second practice he only stood in the water, and third practice he was out swimming with all the other kids. Each season of swimming, his is anxious the first 1-2 practices. Robotics - some practices I would let him just build on his own as he worked through his anxiety, and when he had worked through whatever had him anxious, he would join in. In this case, he has been struggling / anxious since late June - 5 months - with only a 1 week break between summer geometry and Honors Algebra.

Do you understand that one of these kids won't ever be able to work to maintain financial independence as an adult, and the other will have to? And it's best if the one that has to go out into the world and earn his keep gets used to new things and transitions, etc? It's exposure therapy, OP. This kid would be so much more rigid if he didn't have this integrated life where he is accepted into society and made to do a host of different things that challenge his fears.

You really don't get it. It's so sad for you, especially in your position as coach.

Also explore why YOU are perseverating on this topic. You don't like to be wrong? You always need to have the last word?

Quit already. You're wrong on all levels.

I agree with the above poster. Many posters have also pointed out that some kids with ADHD do not necessarily fare better when they are put into "easier" classes. He could be moved down to regular algebra and he could be just as bad at keeping up with the work, just as prone to procrastinate, and end up just as overwhelmed. She really needs a patient ear as works out how to deal with his executive function issues. I was such a kid, and so I am sympathetic as an adult. On top of the ADHD, it sounds like this kid suffers from anxiety. That is not going to disappear either, if he is allowed to sit at home and not join the normal activities that other kids engage in. He needs exposure in a supportive environment.

Your friend is probably dealing with anxiety too, because her kid has more needs than most kids, including yours. As the PP points out, he will have to support himself one day. As the parent of a neurotypical kid, even I am a little anxious about the future landscape, so I can easily imagine why she is more anxious.

I do not know the details of this kid's cognitive abilities and whether he really is ready for honors algebra 2. However, I'm guessing you are not equipped to diagnose this either. It would be better for both you and your "friend" if you quit judging and tried to be more authentically supportive. You're clearly getting really worked up over this because you've already decided you know her son better than her and would be able to handle things better. That's so easy to say as an outsider. Be humble and realize that your decisions may not have the best outcome either.

Well put. OP is being really toxic here.

[Anonymous]

My sons friend with ADHD and Anxiety takes honors classes and is advanced in math. His parents thoughts are that he is going to be anxious about homework and school work regardless of the class that he is in, so why not put him the class that challenges him? He is doing well but it is always harder work and a challenge for him.

[Anonymous]

Some adhd kids don’t have the stamina to do hard stuff and especially the same type of task many time, boring stuff etc.
and regular classes just have less hw
They are also more forgiving re deadlines and/or retakes
I’ve also had too many dud teachers in my son’s honors classes. I think the idea is that honors kids can take anything

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For background, I have a group of friends that started as “mom friends”. Our kids are now in HS and not necessarily close anymore, but the mom friendship has remained. The kids have diverse sport, hobby and academic interests and strengths. We listen and give advice to each other, cheer each other’s kids on in their successes, etc. even if our kids are no longer best friends. The kids are all tenth grade.
In the group, one boy is already in AP Calculus. My son is in CP Alg II. Some are in geometry. Our kids are not “competitive” with each other academically - they are all on their own path.
My son took Alg I in 8th grade with one of his friends, “Cayden”. Cayden has anxiety, ADHD, and is mildly “on the spectrum”. He has come a long way from where he was in elementary as far as outbursts and ADHD and meltdowns.
At the end of 8th, he told his mom he wanted to repeat Alg I because he was not confident about his ability. In 9th, he repeated Alg I and did well, but also went to Mathnasium to help reinforce concepts. His mom put him in a crammed summer geometry class, and all summer I listened to her frustration over his performance in it, not getting work done, not understanding the concepts, him being anxious and overwhelmed… He did pass and tested well at the end and she pushed for his placement in Honors Alg II.
Now I am listening to her complain about how far behind he is in Alg II and how he is anxious and stressed. She is looking to get him a tutor. I asked why she pushed for Honors, and she said “he tested well so I know he can do it… And he isn’t doing well because the teacher is bad.”
I know my part is MYOB and just listen… but I think it’s bad to push an anxious kid into an honors class just because they tested well. I also wonder if she is being competitive with the family whose child is already in AP Calculus and feels her son should be as advanced. I don’t know why she is pushing her son so hard. The 11th gr science and math options in the school are the same whether you take CP Alg II or Honors Alg II.
I am going to keep my mouth shut about it… just wondering what other’s thoughts are on this.

Summer Geometry is hard. But Geometry is a separate entity from Algebra 2. I get why she wanted her kid in Alg 2 in 10th. That is the normal path if you take Alg 1 in 8th. She’s not competing with the kid taking AP Calculus as a junior, but it absolutely looks better for college for kids to take Calculus in HS, either as a junior or in his case will now be as a senior. She is right to push him in the math sequence. After this year, they may decide honors isn’t the right path. A lot of kids drop honors after Algebra 2. You can always drop down if honors is too hard, but you can’t get back on the honors path if you take regular. I see her thinking here. It doesn’t hurt to try. She will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For background, I have a group of friends that started as “mom friends”. Our kids are now in HS and not necessarily close anymore, but the mom friendship has remained. The kids have diverse sport, hobby and academic interests and strengths. We listen and give advice to each other, cheer each other’s kids on in their successes, etc. even if our kids are no longer best friends. The kids are all tenth grade.
In the group, one boy is already in AP Calculus. My son is in CP Alg II. Some are in geometry. Our kids are not “competitive” with each other academically - they are all on their own path.
My son took Alg I in 8th grade with one of his friends, “Cayden”. Cayden has anxiety, ADHD, and is mildly “on the spectrum”. He has come a long way from where he was in elementary as far as outbursts and ADHD and meltdowns.
At the end of 8th, he told his mom he wanted to repeat Alg I because he was not confident about his ability. In 9th, he repeated Alg I and did well, but also went to Mathnasium to help reinforce concepts. His mom put him in a crammed summer geometry class, and all summer I listened to her frustration over his performance in it, not getting work done, not understanding the concepts, him being anxious and overwhelmed… He did pass and tested well at the end and she pushed for his placement in Honors Alg II.
Now I am listening to her complain about how far behind he is in Alg II and how he is anxious and stressed. She is looking to get him a tutor. I asked why she pushed for Honors, and she said “he tested well so I know he can do it… And he isn’t doing well because the teacher is bad.”
I know my part is MYOB and just listen… but I think it’s bad to push an anxious kid into an honors class just because they tested well. I also wonder if she is being competitive with the family whose child is already in AP Calculus and feels her son should be as advanced. I don’t know why she is pushing her son so hard. The 11th gr science and math options in the school are the same whether you take CP Alg II or Honors Alg II.
I am going to keep my mouth shut about it… just wondering what other’s thoughts are on this.

My thoughts on it are that you have a legit reason to be annoyed or frustrated with your mom friend's complaints, and I can't understand at all why what you said here isn't a conversation you want to initiate with your mom friend. You can ask from a place of curiosity, combined with knowing that maybe mom should help her DS manage his anxiety better first and try backing off for a semester and letting him do whatever the non-AP version of his math level is. Also does the DS see any kind of therapist? What does the therapist think about his anxiety about school? Does the mom talk about that at all? Since mom continues to complain to you, why don't you ask these questions?