Friend’s 10th grader anxiety & math
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Anonymous
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For background, I have a group of friends that started as “mom friends”. Our kids are now in HS and not necessarily close anymore, but the mom friendship has remained. The kids have diverse sport, hobby and academic interests and strengths. We listen and give advice to each other, cheer each other’s kids on in their successes, etc. even if our kids are no longer best friends. The kids are all tenth grade.
In the group, one boy is already in AP Calculus. My son is in CP Alg II. Some are in geometry. Our kids are not “competitive” with each other academically - they are all on their own path. My son took Alg I in 8th grade with one of his friends, “Cayden”. Cayden has anxiety, ADHD, and is mildly “on the spectrum”. He has come a long way from where he was in elementary as far as outbursts and ADHD and meltdowns. At the end of 8th, he told his mom he wanted to repeat Alg I because he was not confident about his ability. In 9th, he repeated Alg I and did well, but also went to Mathnasium to help reinforce concepts. His mom put him in a crammed summer geometry class, and all summer I listened to her frustration over his performance in it, not getting work done, not understanding the concepts, him being anxious and overwhelmed… He did pass and tested well at the end and she pushed for his placement in Honors Alg II. Now I am listening to her complain about how far behind he is in Alg II and how he is anxious and stressed. She is looking to get him a tutor. I asked why she pushed for Honors, and she said “he tested well so I know he can do it… And he isn’t doing well because the teacher is bad.” I know my part is MYOB and just listen… but I think it’s bad to push an anxious kid into an honors class just because they tested well. I also wonder if she is being competitive with the family whose child is already in AP Calculus and feels her son should be as advanced. I don’t know why she is pushing her son so hard. The 11th gr science and math options in the school are the same whether you take CP Alg II or Honors Alg II. I am going to keep my mouth shut about it… just wondering what other’s thoughts are on this. |
Anonymous
| Some people are not particularly good at parenting |
Anonymous
Stfu seriously you are terrible. OP one answer is that sometimes the teaching is just better in the honors classes. Sometimes holding kids back who can intellectually do the work but need more support around it is the wrong decision. And another way to look at it is that kids with SN are often going to struggle at any level, so as parents the line we toe is trying not to underestimate our kids, but also making sure they get the support they need. Also math and math education are hard to understand these days, so it’s possible this parent doesn’t understand how her child’s learning profile fits into the class placement. If you are actually a friend then support her with information about math education and the options at the school instead of criticizing someone with a much harder job than you have. |
Anonymous
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She should know better than to complain to you.
My oldest, now in college, has ADHD/ASD with anxiety and low processing speed. He had an IEP and meds. I pushed him in math as well and got him tutors, because he has motor coordination issues and his only strength is academics. I wanted him to have the best profile he could get for college admissions. He can’t be a plumber. He got into a T50 and is doing well. The thing is, we all have anxiety and inattention in the family. These things are not an excuse to avoid doing the best we can. I pushed myself in school. My second is in 10th grade in AP Calc BC and Physics C. She has anxiety too. She’s doing well. Don’t be so quick to judge, OP. This family is anxious, and also ambitious. That’s OK. |
Anonymous
| Something I often see in high school is a kid takes high level course. Now, in each of those subjects, he might be capable of doing well or well-enough - but a full schedule of too many advanced classes, he can't handle his schedule in it's entirety. Not every class is going to go smoothly, maybe not the student's fault. But that's life. There's going to be a bad teacher in the mix, something. He will get overwhelmed and overall things will not go well. Parents need to schedule-in some lighter, easier classes for a balance and an overall more successful outcome. |
Anonymous
| I don’t agree with doing that either OP but sincere question why do you care about this enough to type this on the internet? |
Anonymous
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This stuff is just teen version of baby wars…formula v breastfeeding, sleep training v no sleep training, blah blah.
When they are older it’s attitudes toward alcohol and this type of thing. Decide what you think and then you don’t need to say or do anything other than maybe find a new friend if she talks about it constantly, which sounds boring as hell. |
Anonymous
Bad assumption that her life is harder. My child has struggles as well (suffers from anxiety and Asperger’s). College Prep Algebra II is not “holding a kid back” versus the workload for an already severely anxious kid taking Honors. |
Anonymous
I guess I’m just tired of listening to essentially the same vent every time I talk to her. Basically “I signed my kid up for too much academically and he’s struggling and anxiety through the roof.” She takes him into work with her when he has days off so she can monitor that he is doing his homework. I honestly feel sorry for the kid. |
Anonymous
There’s a huge difference between “being a plumber” and “only” taking CP Alg II and not Honors Alg II. My older son is on college, computer science - and he took CP Geometry his sophomore year. You don’t need Honors Alg II to go into STEM. |
Anonymous
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Your primary assumption that anxiety should equal less rigorous classes is just wrong.
There are many high-achievers who are very anxious. You just don't notice it, because they're not telling you. It doesn't stop them from getting As on the most advanced tracks in every single topic. Of course that kid needs a tutor! He should have had a one-on-one tutor ages ago, with his profile. The mistake was trying the group classes first, and waiting for obvious struggles to consider outside support. This family either doesn't have the money, or doesn't understand how to support that particular profile. Where I live in Bethesda, nearly every kid has a tutor at some point. It's a function of wealth more than anything else. Families address nascent struggles, or anticipate the track getting harder and seek to solidify understanding before that. This is what we've done as well. And since my kids are taking that time and making that effort, then I will make the financial effort of going directly to an individual tutor. Group classes are just time-wasting extensions of school. |
Anonymous
The mother is highly anxious and probably a touch of AuDHD as well. She's not hearing herself persevere on this. The kid might not actually be agonizing. The mother is agonizing, and you're getting everything filtered through her. If you're a good friend, you can find ways to indicate that she's talking too much about this. |
Anonymous
For a child with ADHD, that very well may be appropriate. Many kids with ADHD learn exec functioning skills much more slowly than others. |
Anonymous
Ask her what her plans are for reducing his anxiety. But in reality, if the kid has ADHD he may be perfectly capable of doing the math, but may struggle in any class at any level due to poor executive function skills. For such kids, parenting is a real struggle. Try not to judge because you have a kid who is better able to manage his time. |
Anonymous
And we should live our lives anxious? No I bet all you and I can do is agree to disagree. |