Giving money to the grandkids when you don't speak to parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, they are in college, I think it is fine to reach out to them directly. Do you have relationship with them? If so, meet with them for lunch and ask them directly.
You are doing the right thing by being fair.
Good on you!

Thank you! They are away in their college towns. This gets me thinking though. I could wait until Thanksgiving when they might be home.

We have not traditionally done things one on one as they are just past being minors and, previously, mom controlled all the interactions. So, having lunch would be a first. One way this might work is to involve the child of mine who is most in touch with them....maybe my child could attend the lunch? I will think this through some more and maybe I will involve my kids after all.

Thank you for the help and kind words! Yes, I am fair even though they have been told I am Satan. LOL

OP

There is clearly more to this if they don't support a relationship or you never tried and just want an opinion and to control them. No, you don't offer lunch.

How would an aunt go about controlling college age people? Dcum is attracting more dumb people unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

If they are in college and receiving any sort of financial aid, this could have implications for their financial aid status. Typically big amounts of money received need to be reported, no? I think you need to somehow involve the parents since they are (I assume) the ones responsible for paying the college tuition. Maybe others who know more about this can chime in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be aware that you are risking even more damaging your relationships with your sibling. I personally wouldn’t bypass their parents.

Okay. Fair enough.

My goal here is not to let my sibling steal the money or threaten their child to give the money up. I definitely want the child to know they are getting this money. If their parent takes it from them, then they will see who their parent is for themselves, if they haven't already.

OP

You sound shady and accusatory. You should discuss finances with your sibling and agree on things to make it equal. You are in the wrong. If the parents are paying all the kids expenses, they should take the money directly to pay for things. Why should you control what they do with their kids?

Are you the sibling?
OP's sibling was not acting fairly, and is not trustworthy, so there's no need for her to make it equal. In fact, she doesn't have to give the grandkids anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DM them on social media and ask them to call you re a financial gift.

That's funny. Should I tell them I am from Nigeria?

OP

What is wrong with you?

Have you never met your niece and nephew before? Wouldn’t they recognize your name? If you want to be super weird about it, have the estate lawyer contact them and pay the few hundred hourly rate to avoid sending a text.

[Anonymous]

Bingo! Have the lawyer do it. They will know how to find kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would write everyone a letter establishing your durable power of attorney and that annual cash gifts are part of a comprehensive estate plan approved by a financial planner. Then just cut the checks. If the recipients are adults, you don’t need to do anything else. I would personally want to inform the parents barring a really good reason not to, but I don’t think you have an obligation to do that if they’re not minors.

Oh, I had not thought of this at all! Thank you.

In this letter, I could also ask them for the address to send a check or for their bank account info to transfer the money. One of the nieces said she preferred not getting a check (when I asked their preference for a graduation gift), so I was thinking people that age don't use checks as much as us older people.

Thank you! The answers here have been really helpful!

OP

Younger people just use Zelle.

But she can figure out how to use her banking app to deposit the check. Consider that a secondary gift of an adulting life lesson.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, they are in college, I think it is fine to reach out to them directly. Do you have relationship with them? If so, meet with them for lunch and ask them directly.
You are doing the right thing by being fair.
Good on you!

Thank you! They are away in their college towns. This gets me thinking though. I could wait until Thanksgiving when they might be home.

We have not traditionally done things one on one as they are just past being minors and, previously, mom controlled all the interactions. So, having lunch would be a first. One way this might work is to involve the child of mine who is most in touch with them....maybe my child could attend the lunch? I will think this through some more and maybe I will involve my kids after all.

Thank you for the help and kind words! Yes, I am fair even though they have been told I am Satan. LOL

OP

There is clearly more to this if they don't support a relationship or you never tried and just want an opinion and to control them. No, you don't offer lunch.

You are fortunate you have not had to deal with a personality disordered, hoarding sibling who steals and doesn't care for her parent unless people are watching.

Her own daughter has called her controlling, and she is right.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DM them on social media and ask them to call you re a financial gift.

That's funny. Should I tell them I am from Nigeria?

OP

What is wrong with you?

Have you never met your niece and nephew before? Wouldn’t they recognize your name? If you want to be super weird about it, have the estate lawyer contact them and pay the few hundred hourly rate to avoid sending a text.

I've been abused by this sibling for many years. Have you been physically and emotionally abused before? I've been hit. If I even send a text, they will prob show it to their mom and I will be screamed at if I see my sibling again.

Have you ever had your sibling call you eleven times in a row? Hit you? Scream at you?

Even thinking about spending time with them makes me physically sick.

My niece and nephew are emotionally abused on the regular. If I ever got together with them, they would be screamed at. I am from a toxic family. If you do not have experience with that, then you should not speak up in this situation and you should stop judging what others do when they ARE in this situation.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, they are in college, I think it is fine to reach out to them directly. Do you have relationship with them? If so, meet with them for lunch and ask them directly.
You are doing the right thing by being fair.
Good on you!

Thank you! They are away in their college towns. This gets me thinking though. I could wait until Thanksgiving when they might be home.

We have not traditionally done things one on one as they are just past being minors and, previously, mom controlled all the interactions. So, having lunch would be a first. One way this might work is to involve the child of mine who is most in touch with them....maybe my child could attend the lunch? I will think this through some more and maybe I will involve my kids after all.

Thank you for the help and kind words! Yes, I am fair even though they have been told I am Satan. LOL

OP

There is clearly more to this if they don't support a relationship or you never tried and just want an opinion and to control them. No, you don't offer lunch.

How would an aunt go about controlling college age people? Dcum is attracting more dumb people unfortunately.

+100

Giving someone money that they control and can use however they want is not controlling. And the money is coming from the grandparent. I'd just be the one writing the check in order to be fair.

You are right, PP, about that other poster being dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are in college and receiving any sort of financial aid, this could have implications for their financial aid status. Typically big amounts of money received need to be reported, no? I think you need to somehow involve the parents since they are (I assume) the ones responsible for paying the college tuition. Maybe others who know more about this can chime in.

Thank you. The parents have a lot of money and numerous houses and probably do not qualify for FA, but I will take this into consideration.

[Anonymous]

The more OP talks, the more she sounds like a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The more OP talks, the more she sounds like a troll.

+1 They seem to have an obsession on this topic, and keep posting new threads as different family members:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/300/1294529.page
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1295104.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more OP talks, the more she sounds like a troll.

+1 They seem to have an obsession on this topic, and keep posting new threads as different family members:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/300/1294529.page
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1295104.page

Oh goodness… Weirdos all over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TLDR: I'm in charge of my remaining parent's money since they have dementia. I will distribute some of this money to my own children and want to be fair and distribute to nephews and nieces but don't speak with their parents much anymore. What's the best way to let the adult children know about the gift? I would need their bank account and routing number to transfer the money to them.

Background:

1. Parent has way more than enough to pay for their assisted living and will never need Medicaid.
2. Their financial advisor has approved giving these gifts.
3. We have maxed what we can give to adult children so now I am thinking it's time to share with grandchildren.
4. It's advantageous to give this money to reduce the estate taxes.

I do not speak much at all to the parent of the adult nephew and adult niece. They are college age, and I prefer to deal with them directly instead of their gaslighting, mentally ill parent.

Advice?

Lots of people once old and set with money and planned inheritances either start their charitable donations in earnest or do the man annual gifting per person to any adult children, their spouses, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.

Contact them and go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would write everyone a letter establishing your durable power of attorney and that annual cash gifts are part of a comprehensive estate plan approved by a financial planner. Then just cut the checks. If the recipients are adults, you don’t need to do anything else. I would personally want to inform the parents barring a really good reason not to, but I don’t think you have an obligation to do that if they’re not minors.

Oh, I had not thought of this at all! Thank you.

In this letter, I could also ask them for the address to send a check or for their bank account info to transfer the money. One of the nieces said she preferred not getting a check (when I asked their preference for a graduation gift), so I was thinking people that age don't use checks as much as us older people.

Thank you! The answers here have been really helpful!

OP

Venmo and continue to keep good records!

File the annual gifting tho reports too? Are they each close to the $15m pp of gifts free of estate tax yet?