Giving money to the grandkids when you don't speak to parents?

[Anonymous]

TLDR: I'm in charge of my remaining parent's money since they have dementia. I will distribute some of this money to my own children and want to be fair and distribute to nephews and nieces but don't speak with their parents much anymore. What's the best way to let the adult children know about the gift? I would need their bank account and routing number to transfer the money to them.

Background:

1. Parent has way more than enough to pay for their assisted living and will never need Medicaid.
2. Their financial advisor has approved giving these gifts.
3. We have maxed what we can give to adult children so now I am thinking it's time to share with grandchildren.
4. It's advantageous to give this money to reduce the estate taxes.

I do not speak much at all to the parent of the adult nephew and adult niece. They are college age, and I prefer to deal with them directly instead of their gaslighting, mentally ill parent.

Advice?

[Anonymous]

DM them on social media and ask them to call you re a financial gift.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any contact information for the niece and nephew at all?

[Anonymous]

Op, they are in college, I think it is fine to reach out to them directly. Do you have relationship with them? If so, meet with them for lunch and ask them directly.
You are doing the right thing by being fair.
Good on you!

[Anonymous]

I would write everyone a letter establishing your durable power of attorney and that annual cash gifts are part of a comprehensive estate plan approved by a financial planner. Then just cut the checks. If the recipients are adults, you don’t need to do anything else. I would personally want to inform the parents barring a really good reason not to, but I don’t think you have an obligation to do that if they’re not minors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DM them on social media and ask them to call you re a financial gift.

That's funny. Should I tell them I am from Nigeria?

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have any contact information for the niece and nephew at all?

Yes. I could text them. However, I texted them for their birthday and they did not reply.

My children are also in touch with them, but I was thinking I should try not to involve my kids in this situation.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, they are in college, I think it is fine to reach out to them directly. Do you have relationship with them? If so, meet with them for lunch and ask them directly.
You are doing the right thing by being fair.
Good on you!

Thank you! They are away in their college towns. This gets me thinking though. I could wait until Thanksgiving when they might be home.

We have not traditionally done things one on one as they are just past being minors and, previously, mom controlled all the interactions. So, having lunch would be a first. One way this might work is to involve the child of mine who is most in touch with them....maybe my child could attend the lunch? I will think this through some more and maybe I will involve my kids after all.

Thank you for the help and kind words! Yes, I am fair even though they have been told I am Satan. LOL

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would write everyone a letter establishing your durable power of attorney and that annual cash gifts are part of a comprehensive estate plan approved by a financial planner. Then just cut the checks. If the recipients are adults, you don’t need to do anything else. I would personally want to inform the parents barring a really good reason not to, but I don’t think you have an obligation to do that if they’re not minors.

Oh, I had not thought of this at all! Thank you.

In this letter, I could also ask them for the address to send a check or for their bank account info to transfer the money. One of the nieces said she preferred not getting a check (when I asked their preference for a graduation gift), so I was thinking people that age don't use checks as much as us older people.

Thank you! The answers here have been really helpful!

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DM them on social media and ask them to call you re a financial gift.

Don't word it like that.

College kids are savvy and will think you are a phishing scammed.

Yes to messaging them on social media.

Tell them that you are Aunt Larla and reaching out to them from Grandma since she doesn't do social media. Ask them for a number to call them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would write everyone a letter establishing your durable power of attorney and that annual cash gifts are part of a comprehensive estate plan approved by a financial planner. Then just cut the checks. If the recipients are adults, you don’t need to do anything else. I would personally want to inform the parents barring a really good reason not to, but I don’t think you have an obligation to do that if they’re not minors.

Oh, I had not thought of this at all! Thank you.

In this letter, I could also ask them for the address to send a check or for their bank account info to transfer the money. One of the nieces said she preferred not getting a check (when I asked their preference for a graduation gift), so I was thinking people that age don't use checks as much as us older people.

Thank you! The answers here have been really helpful!

OP

Younger people just use Zelle.

But she can figure out how to use her banking app to deposit the check. Consider that a secondary gift of an adulting life lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would write everyone a letter establishing your durable power of attorney and that annual cash gifts are part of a comprehensive estate plan approved by a financial planner. Then just cut the checks. If the recipients are adults, you don’t need to do anything else. I would personally want to inform the parents barring a really good reason not to, but I don’t think you have an obligation to do that if they’re not minors.

This. Plus receipt and release document

[Anonymous]

Your making this more complicated then it needs to be. You have there number because you said you have texted them. So all you need to do is call them and explain what you have wrote on this thread about gifting them money. If by chance they do not pick up your call leave a voicemail stating you need to speak to them about there grandparents estate and to please return your call. If they don't call back then leave it at that and they receive no money.

Do not include your child in this matter.

[Anonymous]

That was kind of rude of your niece to tell you her preference on how to receive the money. If you are doing checks do them all in checks for better record keeping. It’s not going to kill her to go to a bank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would write everyone a letter establishing your durable power of attorney and that annual cash gifts are part of a comprehensive estate plan approved by a financial planner. Then just cut the checks. If the recipients are adults, you don’t need to do anything else. I would personally want to inform the parents barring a really good reason not to, but I don’t think you have an obligation to do that if they’re not minors.

This. However, if you were my sibling, I wouldn’t trust you due to your behavior and not accept the money. My kids would not either given how you treat me-them. Not a chance I’d give you bank account information. Send a check.