Is cheating acceptable if your partner refuses sex for years?

[Anonymous]

No, but divorce is.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say yes in theory, but in practice it's very difficult. Some people, like me, are extremely picky. I would only do that with someone I could emotionally and intellectually connect with, AND someone I find attractive. That's a lot of criteria! It would be so difficult to find someone, and then, I would maybe catch feelings.

So... be very careful. Your spouse is your priority. When you seek to get some needs met elsewhere, you do need to remember that.

When your spouse doesn’t make your needs a priority, they are no longer your priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case my DH:

-almost completely gave up sex with me when we were both 35 and less than 5 years into the marriage

-I arranged for us to see 4 different therapists over the following 7 years. I never got clarity on why he stopped wanting sex with me

-I took on extra responsibilities with the kids and also arranged more alone time for DH, thinking if he had more time to himself it would help. It didn’t.

-I arranged and paid for multiple solo getaways for us as a couple without the kids. No sex.

-I lost weight and am actually in better shape than when we married

-I incorporated porn, toys, asked him for his ideas of what would feel good in the bedroom. Asked what he would need for sex to be part of our lives again.

-I redefined sex and asked him if we just took intercourse off the table, what would feel good to him?

-I went to individual therapy for years and also found him an individual therapist since couples counseling got us nowhere.

I still don’t know what the issue is. I think he’s either asexual or possibly was never attracted to me. He stopped having sex pretty quickly after we got pregnant. I feel like maybe he tricked me. But I really don’t know.

So yeah, when I do cheat (not if), I will feel zero guilt or shame whatsoever. I know how hard I tried to make it work.

I’m staying right now for strategic reasons but hope to divorce at some point in the future.

Is he having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What isn't acceptable, in my mind, is when a non-working or low-earning spouse refuses to have sex and refuses to take on household responsibilities but won't separate or divorce because they don't want to have to work. I've seen too many people do this for years, and the high earning spouse allows it without considering the financial consequences. When they finally divorce, the nonworker gets a huge pension financial windfall because the high earner was dumb enough to allow this to go on so long and the other person claims that they were married for decades. In reality, their marriage was a sham. Make a financial break and be honest with everyone about the fact that your marriage is over. Don't use other people.

This.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. No. Because you promised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes or no. And why.

Get some real meaning in your life OP. Sex ain’t the higher calling.

Let's dig in. What is real meaning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but divorce is.

This.

[Anonymous]

This is why its important to choose partners for their character not fir their height or looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case my DH:

-almost completely gave up sex with me when we were both 35 and less than 5 years into the marriage

-I arranged for us to see 4 different therapists over the following 7 years. I never got clarity on why he stopped wanting sex with me

-I took on extra responsibilities with the kids and also arranged more alone time for DH, thinking if he had more time to himself it would help. It didn’t.

-I arranged and paid for multiple solo getaways for us as a couple without the kids. No sex.

-I lost weight and am actually in better shape than when we married

-I incorporated porn, toys, asked him for his ideas of what would feel good in the bedroom. Asked what he would need for sex to be part of our lives again.

-I redefined sex and asked him if we just took intercourse off the table, what would feel good to him?

-I went to individual therapy for years and also found him an individual therapist since couples counseling got us nowhere.

I still don’t know what the issue is. I think he’s either asexual or possibly was never attracted to me. He stopped having sex pretty quickly after we got pregnant. I feel like maybe he tricked me. But I really don’t know.

So yeah, when I do cheat (not if), I will feel zero guilt or shame whatsoever. I know how hard I tried to make it work.

I’m staying right now for strategic reasons but hope to divorce at some point in the future.

What "strategic reasons"? Please just leave him now. I know you feel justified, but clean break then moving on is the right thing to do.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case my DH:

-almost completely gave up sex with me when we were both 35 and less than 5 years into the marriage

-I arranged for us to see 4 different therapists over the following 7 years. I never got clarity on why he stopped wanting sex with me

-I took on extra responsibilities with the kids and also arranged more alone time for DH, thinking if he had more time to himself it would help. It didn’t.

-I arranged and paid for multiple solo getaways for us as a couple without the kids. No sex.

-I lost weight and am actually in better shape than when we married

-I incorporated porn, toys, asked him for his ideas of what would feel good in the bedroom. Asked what he would need for sex to be part of our lives again.

-I redefined sex and asked him if we just took intercourse off the table, what would feel good to him?

-I went to individual therapy for years and also found him an individual therapist since couples counseling got us nowhere.

I still don’t know what the issue is. I think he’s either asexual or possibly was never attracted to me. He stopped having sex pretty quickly after we got pregnant. I feel like maybe he tricked me. But I really don’t know.

So yeah, when I do cheat (not if), I will feel zero guilt or shame whatsoever. I know how hard I tried to make it work.

I’m staying right now for strategic reasons but hope to divorce at some point in the future.

Same here. The answer ended up being repressed gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case my DH:

-almost completely gave up sex with me when we were both 35 and less than 5 years into the marriage

-I arranged for us to see 4 different therapists over the following 7 years. I never got clarity on why he stopped wanting sex with me

-I took on extra responsibilities with the kids and also arranged more alone time for DH, thinking if he had more time to himself it would help. It didn’t.

-I arranged and paid for multiple solo getaways for us as a couple without the kids. No sex.

-I lost weight and am actually in better shape than when we married

-I incorporated porn, toys, asked him for his ideas of what would feel good in the bedroom. Asked what he would need for sex to be part of our lives again.

-I redefined sex and asked him if we just took intercourse off the table, what would feel good to him?

-I went to individual therapy for years and also found him an individual therapist since couples counseling got us nowhere.

I still don’t know what the issue is. I think he’s either asexual or possibly was never attracted to me. He stopped having sex pretty quickly after we got pregnant. I feel like maybe he tricked me. But I really don’t know.

So yeah, when I do cheat (not if), I will feel zero guilt or shame whatsoever. I know how hard I tried to make it work.

I’m staying right now for strategic reasons but hope to divorce at some point in the future.

Same here. The answer ended up being repressed gay.

Same poster - except I divorced after 5 years (didn't cheat).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why its important to choose partners for their character not fir their height or looks.

But if they had looks I’d still want to do it with them.