Is cheating acceptable if your partner refuses sex for years?

[Anonymous]

Yes or no. And why.

[Anonymous]

No. Stop with these dumb questions. And learn how to help yourself

[Anonymous]

In my case my DH:

-almost completely gave up sex with me when we were both 35 and less than 5 years into the marriage

-I arranged for us to see 4 different therapists over the following 7 years. I never got clarity on why he stopped wanting sex with me

-I took on extra responsibilities with the kids and also arranged more alone time for DH, thinking if he had more time to himself it would help. It didn’t.

-I arranged and paid for multiple solo getaways for us as a couple without the kids. No sex.

-I lost weight and am actually in better shape than when we married

-I incorporated porn, toys, asked him for his ideas of what would feel good in the bedroom. Asked what he would need for sex to be part of our lives again.

-I redefined sex and asked him if we just took intercourse off the table, what would feel good to him?

-I went to individual therapy for years and also found him an individual therapist since couples counseling got us nowhere.

I still don’t know what the issue is. I think he’s either asexual or possibly was never attracted to me. He stopped having sex pretty quickly after we got pregnant. I feel like maybe he tricked me. But I really don’t know.

So yeah, when I do cheat (not if), I will feel zero guilt or shame whatsoever. I know how hard I tried to make it work.

I’m staying right now for strategic reasons but hope to divorce at some point in the future.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. Barring temporary illnesses, if a couple is not having sex for years, either partner can open the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case my DH:

-almost completely gave up sex with me when we were both 35 and less than 5 years into the marriage

-I arranged for us to see 4 different therapists over the following 7 years. I never got clarity on why he stopped wanting sex with me

-I took on extra responsibilities with the kids and also arranged more alone time for DH, thinking if he had more time to himself it would help. It didn’t.

-I arranged and paid for multiple solo getaways for us as a couple without the kids. No sex.

-I lost weight and am actually in better shape than when we married

-I incorporated porn, toys, asked him for his ideas of what would feel good in the bedroom. Asked what he would need for sex to be part of our lives again.

-I redefined sex and asked him if we just took intercourse off the table, what would feel good to him?

-I went to individual therapy for years and also found him an individual therapist since couples counseling got us nowhere.

I still don’t know what the issue is. I think he’s either asexual or possibly was never attracted to me. He stopped having sex pretty quickly after we got pregnant. I feel like maybe he tricked me. But I really don’t know.

So yeah, when I do cheat (not if), I will feel zero guilt or shame whatsoever. I know how hard I tried to make it work.

I’m staying right now for strategic reasons but hope to divorce at some point in the future.

What "strategic reasons"? Please just leave him now. I know you feel justified, but clean break then moving on is the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Yes. And I won't justify why. It's my life.

[Anonymous]

I think at least be honest with your partner. That goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

No. Be open about it. Get buy-in to open the marriage or figure out something else.

[Anonymous]

Depends on your moral standards and the marriage situation. One of the women in my extended family was a SAHM married to a very wealthy man. He completely lost all interest in sex at 40 and turned spiritual, but wasn’t enlightened enough to overcome raging jealousy and physical threats if his wife so much as glanced at another man. She used to sneak around behind his back, and people were generally sympathetic.

[Anonymous]

No. Divorce instead

[Anonymous]

Cheating is always acceptable. The question is how much you are willing to hurt your partner and risk if your partner finds out and leaves you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on your moral standards and the marriage situation. One of the women in my extended family was a SAHM married to a very wealthy man. He completely lost all interest in sex at 40 and turned spiritual, but wasn’t enlightened enough to overcome raging jealousy and physical threats if his wife so much as glanced at another man. She used to sneak around behind his back, and people were generally sympathetic.

I suppose we can all guess why she didn't simply divorce him. Lots of integrity, that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on your moral standards and the marriage situation. One of the women in my extended family was a SAHM married to a very wealthy man. He completely lost all interest in sex at 40 and turned spiritual, but wasn’t enlightened enough to overcome raging jealousy and physical threats if his wife so much as glanced at another man. She used to sneak around behind his back, and people were generally sympathetic.

I suppose we can all guess why she didn't simply divorce him. Lots of integrity, that one.

Meh. People make pragmatic choices all the time especially in highly patriarchal societies where kids are involved. And I don’t see much integrity in unilaterally forcing celibacy upon a spouse.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s OK but more understandable. A friends husband blew up their family and I was completely on her side, but then she mentioned that she hadn’t had sex with him in five years because she “wasn’t into it anymore” 😳 Then I started thinking that there was some contributory negligence. Not 50/50, but at least 75/25.

Sex is an important part of a relationship and men are evolved to want it. It’s more a priority for them. People don’t take that seriously enough.

[Anonymous]

"Sex is an important part of a relationship and men are evolved to want it. It’s more a priority for them. People don’t take that seriously enough."

HUMANS are evolved to want it. And most want it even after having had children and even after menopause. This isn't a one-sided gender thing.

Signed, a woman whose husband stopped wanting it after having kids even though I was in better shape than before the wedding