In laws never accepted you from the beginning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP.

You don't get brownie points for being a willing martyr. You're not more virtuous than anyone else. Your kids don't benefit from access to a horrible person, just because she's a blood relation.

All this you've done for the sake of (I don't know what, really!) is worth nothing. Your husband told you it was OK to not see her.

This is so stupid I really hope you're a troll.
Because the alternative is that you've made yourself suffer for NOTHING.

In my culture, it is very rare to cut off blood family members even for pretty outrageous things. She’s fine with my children.

Don't give me that crap. I'm East Asian. We take the cake for MIL drama. If you're making stuff up, go away. If you're real, sorry, you don't get to complain when you willingly made yourself a doormat.

[Anonymous]

You sound insane OP

[Anonymous]

Married almost 40 years
With DH for over 45 years

MIL hated me from day one. Said we would never last. She passed away last February, I can not say I will miss her. My SIL will carry on the hate.

The worst part of all of this is the kids. Adults behaving badly.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. Your husband should be defending you. Do the absolute minimum for her which is more than she deserves.

My IL’s never accepted me either. They still said I wasn’t family after many years of marriage. Sadly, DH rarely stood up for me either. I vowed to do better as a MIL-still make mistakes but I apologize to my DIL’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH think about the situation? Has he ever said anything to his mom? I have a similar MIL and I just stopped calling and helping. Moving out of state helped too. But more than anything else, I finally feel free. My mental health is in a much better place now.

+1

My MIL is like this. After 10 years of knowing her (dating anns then marriage) and trying hard, I just stopped making any effort and frankly stopped caring at all. My DH is genuinely fine with it. We also moved out of state which was very helpful.

My DH definitely played a role by being too wishy-washy early in the relationship, and allowing this treatment at times. MIL is now much older and in poor health- and likely won’t be around for much longer. DH talks to her regularly and visits her alone, and I support that. I have not spoken with her in years. DH puts the kids on the phone to talk to her here and there but does not take them to visit (his choice).

Just disengage, as long as it is not a problem for your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case, it was my dad never accepting my husband. My father has been dead for several years now, and I've been married to the same guy for 20+ years. The pain is less now, but I will never forget it. It never bothered DH as much as it bothered me. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. It sucks. I tell myself that the best thing I can do from here on is to NOT be an ass to my kids' SOs when the time comes.

What did you to do support your DH when your dad treated him poorly?

[Anonymous]

My in-laws treated me horribly for many years and I tried to get them to like me. Eventually I realized that I wasn’t the problem - it was them. I stay civil for the sake of my DH and the kids but the damage has been done. Early on my DH didn’t stick up for me and that also did damage to our relationship. I will never treat anyone my kids bring home like that.

[Anonymous]

Why are you putting so much thought into what mentally ill person does. She is sick.
Figure out how she should be treated and forget about the things she said or did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"She drug me through the mud" is one of the singularly most ineloquent things I have ever read on DCUm.

The correct version would be "She DRAGGED me through the mud"

You sound insufferable, no wonder she hates you.

It’s a slang expression, you’re not so bright are you?

It is not a "slag" expression, it is just a reflection of total ignorance and a failed education. Its the language of total morons. Congratulations you get the Moron Crown of the week.

I didn’t say slag, I said slang. Look it up in the dictionary. Work on your own education. Its should be “it’s” … and Moron Crown would not be capitalized.

Moron Crown has been capitalized, especially for you so you can wear a huge sign on your big stupid head.

[Anonymous]

My MIL never liked me for all the 27 years she was alive after I met my DH, and didn’t thaw even after we had kids. She was generally known as a very difficult woman though. DH’s aunts on both sides told me that she would have behaved the same way with any other DIL, and not to let her behavior get to me. My spouse was also supportive and FIL was nice though non-confrontational. You need to have people in your corner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone been in this situation?

Before even meeting me my mother in law was gossiping up a storm and texting multiple high school classmates on fb asking questions about me. The first time we met she said I would be a geriatric pregnant woman and at risk for disabilities (I was 29), was so unbelievable unkind to me like continuing to say “your father should be paying for this week” (we paid, my father died when I was 6) and so on. I feel like she drug me through the mud for the first 2 years. I’ve spent almost a decade just bending over backwards doing everything for her. She is on the poverty level and single so we provide for her as well as plan everything for holidays, birthdays, etc. I did all her paperwork to get beautiful and brand new low income housing for senior citizens. She’s never so much as made me a cup of tea, given me a single card or gift, or offered me any sort of emotional support as a mother in law. Something came up this year that brought me back to that place 15 years ago and I feel like I am well within my rights to give up and just stop
all effort towards this woman who has made my life difficult. I make so much effort now it will
be quite obvious and I won’t be unkind but I’m matching her and just not going out of my way. If my husband wants to he can plan things or include her. Any words of advice?

OMG you should have had a Road to Damascus talk with her a long time ago. Get her out of your life.

[Anonymous]

Your husband preferred to cut off the woman who had been an alcoholic hot mess most of his whole life and yet you felt the need to keep putting yourself front and center for this woman’s criticisms? Honestly, you have your own issues to work through. This is bananas for you to have done. My dad is the alcoholic hot mess and I have very limited contact. There is no way I would want me husband to spend much time dealing with this man.

[Anonymous]

Well, you’re much more patient than I would have been. My efforts would have ended right there and then, and I would have just left DH carry the load of his mother. What do you do now? Do what you should have done 15 years ago, and release yourself of any blame or responsibility for this adult.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband and MIL problem.

He clearly hasn’t stood up to his mother on your behalf.

Complete turn off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH think about the situation? Has he ever said anything to his mom? I have a similar MIL and I just stopped calling and helping. Moving out of state helped too. But more than anything else, I finally feel free. My mental health is in a much better place now.

+1

My MIL is like this. After 10 years of knowing her (dating anns then marriage) and trying hard, I just stopped making any effort and frankly stopped caring at all. My DH is genuinely fine with it. We also moved out of state which was very helpful.

My DH definitely played a role by being too wishy-washy early in the relationship, and allowing this treatment at times. MIL is now much older and in poor health- and likely won’t be around for much longer. DH talks to her regularly and visits her alone, and I support that. I have not spoken with her in years. DH puts the kids on the phone to talk to her here and there but does not take them to visit (his choice).

Just disengage, as long as it is not a problem for your DH.

This sounds like my situation too. DH did nothing for the first 5?10? years except the "you two need to work this out" BS, which led to arguments between us. She simply was difficult, doesn't like me (I'm white, DH is not--I suspect this is the problem but maybe not) and just generally couldn't be bothered.

I'm never going to stand between someone and their mother, he can talk to her or see her whenever he wants. I'm just done.