In laws never accepted you from the beginning?
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Anonymous
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Has anyone been in this situation?
Before even meeting me my mother in law was gossiping up a storm and texting multiple high school classmates on fb asking questions about me. The first time we met she said I would be a geriatric pregnant woman and at risk for disabilities (I was 29), was so unbelievable unkind to me like continuing to say “your father should be paying for this week” (we paid, my father died when I was 6) and so on. I feel like she drug me through the mud for the first 2 years. I’ve spent almost a decade just bending over backwards doing everything for her. She is on the poverty level and single so we provide for her as well as plan everything for holidays, birthdays, etc. I did all her paperwork to get beautiful and brand new low income housing for senior citizens. She’s never so much as made me a cup of tea, given me a single card or gift, or offered me any sort of emotional support as a mother in law. Something came up this year that brought me back to that place 15 years ago and I feel like I am well within my rights to give up and just stop all effort towards this woman who has made my life difficult. I make so much effort now it will be quite obvious and I won’t be unkind but I’m matching her and just not going out of my way. If my husband wants to he can plan things or include her. Any words of advice? |
Anonymous
| *week is wedding! |
Anonymous
| What does your DH think about the situation? Has he ever said anything to his mom? I have a similar MIL and I just stopped calling and helping. Moving out of state helped too. But more than anything else, I finally feel free. My mental health is in a much better place now. |
Anonymous
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You should have grey rocked her a decade ago. Why does your DH let you be abused like this?
Just drop the rope OP. Smile and nod at her, but you don't need to do anything extra. |
Anonymous
| In my case, it was my dad never accepting my husband. My father has been dead for several years now, and I've been married to the same guy for 20+ years. The pain is less now, but I will never forget it. It never bothered DH as much as it bothered me. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. It sucks. I tell myself that the best thing I can do from here on is to NOT be an ass to my kids' SOs when the time comes. |
Anonymous
| Drop the rope. Don't waste time or energy on her. If your husband wants to deal with her, away he goes. |
Anonymous
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No, OP, nobody has been in your situation because it's so unbelievable I can't even believe that it's true.
If it is true, your MIL is mentally ill. |
Anonymous
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My SIL was never excepting of me from the jump. It causes problems in my marriage 20+ years in.
OP, your experiences are pretty egregious. Why would you have ever even picked up the rope. I would not be doing a single darn thing for that woman. Buh Bye. |
Anonymous
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All of us who were the wrong race, ethnicity, religion, etc. I was never going to be included and the woman referred to my kids as 'half breeds'. Classy!
I am still angry about all the time and effort I wasted trying to make this woman like me. At some point I came to my senses, figured out some minimal interaction that I was willing to take, and to allow my children to have. Once the kids were grown, my husband visited her at her home for one week each year without me. He didn't really want to go either but felt obligated. It's unfortunate but some people need boundaries. |
Anonymous
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My MIL died in 2023. I felt sadness for my DH, but overwhelming relief. She made sure I wasn't her choice for over 23 years.
For my SIL, who seems to want to carry the torch of meanness, I dropped the rope as someone mentioned above. Grey rock all the way. It's so much better. Oh my so much better. DH never protected me or spoke up. We're still married - 26 year in, but it's done some damage. |
Anonymous
Look up "yellow rock, " a little less severe than grey rock. You are polite but boring, have minimal small talk, only converse to accomplish something, and have no emotional engagement. Imagine her trying to use anything you put in writing against you and writing in a way that it would be impossible to do so. Outside of required interaction (and there may be very little communication needed once you drop the rope), yellow rock. |
Anonymous
| I feel you. I've been with my DH 20 years and I only recently have started to come to a real peace with the fact that I am never going to have warm, positive relationship with my MIL. she is one of the only people I've ever known this long that I just haven't been able to win over. She is just not equipped and it is what it is. I have been kind and generous to her. My DH and I have the happiest, most stable, loving relationship of any of her kids and we are raising wonderful, kind, smart, well loved kids. If that's not good enough...that's her loss. The most important thing is that you and your DH are on the same page and supportive of one another. |
Anonymous
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"She drug me through the mud" is one of the singularly most ineloquent things I have ever read on DCUm.
The correct version would be "She DRAGGED me through the mud" You sound insufferable, no wonder she hates you. |
Anonymous
Uhhhhhhhhh.....no...no...you totally win for most insufferable. Congrats! |
Anonymous
Thank you |