Bf left for a few days and I am thrilled-bad sign?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of gendered responses. You never see threads saying the man should never help his girlfriend with errands or support her during a move and that she needs to be an adult and do everything herself or else she is a walking red flag and a user. And if the guy was at home and she was at work, there would be an expectation he would help out with daytime things versus doing nothing for her and expecting her to leave work to do anything that needed to be done during the day.

If the woman *moving into his house* refused to do anything and then yelled at him when he brought it up, you know the responses would be the exact same. This isn’t about gender, it’s about setting expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of gendered responses. You never see threads saying the man should never help his girlfriend with errands or support her during a move and that she needs to be an adult and do everything herself or else she is a walking red flag and a user. And if the guy was at home and she was at work, there would be an expectation he would help out with daytime things versus doing nothing for her and expecting her to leave work to do anything that needed to be done during the day.

The only gendered response is the guy insisting that boyfriend must be paying for OP's lifestyle so she should serve as his unpaid dogsbody without complaint.

[Anonymous]

I have been organizing all his stuff, meeting buyers at his place to hand off stuff and furniture, dropping stuff (mine and his) off at thrift stores, and selling a lot of things on marketplace. It has really taken a lot of time.

The issue is that you are doing all the above *while* he is doing the bare minimum. I think in partnerships, its expected to help each other out, but in this case sounds like you have very different priorities. You expect him to move in and to do so in a reasonable timeline and to appreciate the time you have spent aiding his move. He clearly doesn't see it that way and doesn't respect the timeline of moving /settling in (did you discuss and bring up how long its taken?) or the work you have put in but the worst part is his dismissiveness by telling you to see a therapist. You may be very different people with different ideas about living together, sharing responsibilities, etc, but that can be overcome if both parties are willing to listen and respect each other and compromise so that the relationship wins.

Honestly, OP, I sound like an old lady (and I am!) but if I knew then what I knew now, I would not have moved in with a boyfriend who was not a good partner and wasted my early 30s trying to make it work. The longer you live with someone the harder it gets to break up, and the more time you waste. The fact that he's only been there two months and you are happy he's gone IS a bad sign. I mean, I am happy when I get a few days to myself, but that's after 15 plus years of marriage and teens in the house so its a little different. At two months I was still playing house.

[Anonymous]

So would you expect him to help you in the same way if the situation was reversed? If he has a job why can’t he move after work? No one want to use limited vacation time to do that.

He works for himself, so he absolutely can organize his time differently. Also, OP mentioned that he wont take time off for for her/them/a trip together, but took time to visit his parents. So his priorities right now are 1) his work and time 2) his parents and 3) op, in that order.

I would not expect that to change if his response was to tell OP to complain to a therapist rather than discussing the conflict in a mature manner.

[Anonymous]

Does he still have his old place? Maybe he should go back there. Offer to hire a 2 guys and van company for him to pay for that.

[Anonymous]

Yes, bad sign OP.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a bad sign that two young people without kids and without a second job or major illness or whatever are both so incapable of handling basic stuff in their free time.

What’s going to happen when you have kids?

He’s a lazy ass for taking two months to do this. And you shouldn’t have to take on his shit. But what you describe is like a weekend of work at most. We’ve had to move our 3000 sf home cross country multiple times and every time we’ve done it without taking a day off work or school. And we’re always pretty much moved in by the next weekend. I don’t understand why you’re both so incapacitated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of gendered responses. You never see threads saying the man should never help his girlfriend with errands or support her during a move and that she needs to be an adult and do everything herself or else she is a walking red flag and a user. And if the guy was at home and she was at work, there would be an expectation he would help out with daytime things versus doing nothing for her and expecting her to leave work to do anything that needed to be done during the day.

If the woman *moving into his house* refused to do anything and then yelled at him when he brought it up, you know the responses would be the exact same. This isn’t about gender, it’s about setting expectations.

DP No this is a gender thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have been organizing all his stuff, meeting buyers at his place to hand off stuff and furniture, dropping stuff (mine and his) off at thrift stores, and selling a lot of things on marketplace. It has really taken a lot of time.

The issue is that you are doing all the above *while* he is doing the bare minimum. I think in partnerships, its expected to help each other out, but in this case sounds like you have very different priorities. You expect him to move in and to do so in a reasonable timeline and to appreciate the time you have spent aiding his move. He clearly doesn't see it that way and doesn't respect the timeline of moving /settling in (did you discuss and bring up how long its taken?) or the work you have put in but the worst part is his dismissiveness by telling you to see a therapist. You may be very different people with different ideas about living together, sharing responsibilities, etc, but that can be overcome if both parties are willing to listen and respect each other and compromise so that the relationship wins.

Honestly, OP, I sound like an old lady (and I am!) but if I knew then what I knew now, I would not have moved in with a boyfriend who was not a good partner and wasted my early 30s trying to make it work. The longer you live with someone the harder it gets to break up, and the more time you waste. The fact that he's only been there two months and you are happy he's gone IS a bad sign. I mean, I am happy when I get a few days to myself, but that's after 15 plus years of marriage and teens in the house so its a little different. At two months I was still playing house.

100%!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of gendered responses. You never see threads saying the man should never help his girlfriend with errands or support her during a move and that she needs to be an adult and do everything herself or else she is a walking red flag and a user. And if the guy was at home and she was at work, there would be an expectation he would help out with daytime things versus doing nothing for her and expecting her to leave work to do anything that needed to be done during the day.

If the woman *moving into his house* refused to do anything and then yelled at him when he brought it up, you know the responses would be the exact same. This isn’t about gender, it’s about setting expectations.

DP No this is a gender thing.

No, it's a lazy AH thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he wants a new bang-mommy and you’re it.

I would take this time to consider the long term. He’s a workaholic who won’t take time off to do HIS own tasks and expects you to. YOU are selling his stuff, YOU are meeting his buyers. When you asked for help he told you to pay someone to complain to, so he brushed you off and dismissed your concerns. He won’t even ATTEMPT to have a conversation with you about your life together.

You just aren’t very important to him it sounds like. He puts himself and his priorities first, and keeps you around to do all the sh!t he doesn’t want to. Personally I see a ton of red flags here and wouldn’t want this relationship for myself. You say everything is great, but these are major issues.

+1. I’m not saying break up, but be aware that patterns like this will remain a pattern. It sounds like you’re with a workaholic who expects you to kind of be at his disposal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he wants a new bang-mommy and you’re it.

I would take this time to consider the long term. He’s a workaholic who won’t take time off to do HIS own tasks and expects you to. YOU are selling his stuff, YOU are meeting his buyers. When you asked for help he told you to pay someone to complain to, so he brushed you off and dismissed your concerns. He won’t even ATTEMPT to have a conversation with you about your life together.

You just aren’t very important to him it sounds like. He puts himself and his priorities first, and keeps you around to do all the sh!t he doesn’t want to. Personally I see a ton of red flags here and wouldn’t want this relationship for myself. You say everything is great, but these are major issues.

To play devil's advocate - OP had time off (she didn't take it off, sounds like it was a summer vacation from school?) so I do think it makes sense that she take on more of the burden during that time.

HOWEVER, this guy sounds like a user and OP sounds like someone who will let him walk all over her, which is a bad mix. They don't seem compatible.

She took time off to WORK. To do her thesis. Not to do someone else’s errands because he can’t be f***ed to take care of his own sh*t.

Him taking advantage of the time she set aside for her thesis is complete BS. He is definitely a user, and taking advantage of OP.

We don’t know the whole situation but it’s possible that the only reason that she can take time off to focus on her thesis is because he has sacrificed and is financially supporting her, taking on extra for her. So his expectation that she do likewise for him isn’t a red flag. Since she said he has lived there for 6 months and did all his share, he probably feels things are still fair if he is taking on more so she can take time off work but in return she helps out more during this move with all that time off. Working on a thesis is flexible work hours. You can be available to do other things. Maybe she isn’t an equal financial contributor to the expenses of the home and life right now.

It's also possible that he cannot unpack because he is the only astronaut capable of manning a rocket shot directly at an asteroid that will otherwise hit North America and wipe out 80% of life on the planet! There's absolutely nothing in the OP to support either of our theories, but I think they're still plausible. Don't let people that "live in reality" and "don't make wild assumptions based on nothing" get in your head, PP. You're right, the guy who is moving into *her* house and making her resell his grotty furniture on FB marketplace is probably her sugar daddy!

PP, I ❤️ you.

[Anonymous]

OP, fast forward 5 years and you will be posting on this forum about how you have a toddler and just had a difficult birth with baby #2 but your DH does nothing to help around the house, has not been emotionally supportive during your recovery and hides in his home office claiming he has to “work”. Stop gaslighting yourself!! It may feel like things are “wonderful” but I think you need to take a very honest look at his behavior and ask yourself if this is a man you can depend on when life gets hard, and it will. Is this the man you can count on to put your needs and the needs of your future family first when you are in the trenches? The problem isn’t so much his selfishness in how he handled the move. It’s not weird that someone who has been living by themselves will need to learn and adjust to a shared living space and the respect and consideration that goes along with it. As others have said though, the HUGE red flag was how dismissive he was of your concerns even though his own inaction and bungling of his move is what led to your stress! So rude, dismissive and entitled. Yikes. Do not have children with this person whatever you do.

[Anonymous]

To be “thrilled” that your boyfriend is not around is never a good sign OP which I am sure that you already know.

Do you feel as if you both moved in too soon??
Of course at this point, this is just water under the bridge but still…..

I would get on him daily to move his stuff in + get settled in quickly.
It’s not fair that you are taking on some of the responsibility of him moving in - - after all it is YOUR home originally.

I would give him a timeframe and make sure that he meets it.
If he still drags his heels then since you don’t want to consider breaking up an option > then you are just going to have to suck up and accept this aspect of who he is……

[Anonymous]

Your man is a Squatter. Best of luck with that.