How to decide who leaves home with kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want the divorce, you leave.

No. That is not how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you located? My brother lives in Virginia, and came back from a business trip to discover his wife had left with the kids. There were no abuse allegations, but I do think my brother had been fooling around and she found out and was so mad she left. He was completely taken by surprise.

So the court found that by leaving the house, in Virginia, his ex had waived her rights to claim the home. Was crazy. And taking the kids was another big no-no apparently.

His case is different than OP, because no abuse was alleged. My brother ended up with the house and physical custody. They actually co-parent really well today. But the lesson was that in some states, leaving the home and just moving out may penalize you when it comes to dividing assets. This may be why OP's husband won't leave.

Talk to a lawyer in your state! Don't rely on us on DCUM to know.

I'm in VA and have never been cautioned against leaving the house or taking the kids, and I've spoken with lawyers.

I am in VA. I divorced an attorney. Every attorney I consulted with said DO NOT leave the house or take the kids without a signed agreement. You are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you located? My brother lives in Virginia, and came back from a business trip to discover his wife had left with the kids. There were no abuse allegations, but I do think my brother had been fooling around and she found out and was so mad she left. He was completely taken by surprise.

So the court found that by leaving the house, in Virginia, his ex had waived her rights to claim the home. Was crazy. And taking the kids was another big no-no apparently.

His case is different than OP, because no abuse was alleged. My brother ended up with the house and physical custody. They actually co-parent really well today. But the lesson was that in some states, leaving the home and just moving out may penalize you when it comes to dividing assets. This may be why OP's husband won't leave.

Talk to a lawyer in your state! Don't rely on us on DCUM to know.

I'm in VA and have never been cautioned against leaving the house or taking the kids, and I've spoken with lawyers.

Did you even ask? Was it even discussed, because it sounds like in your "speaking with lawyers" the topics never came up. I would specifically ask.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, dads aren't just folding and leaving the house anymore, only to be granted the privilege to "visit" their own children. Good for him. I left but I took my kids with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you located? My brother lives in Virginia, and came back from a business trip to discover his wife had left with the kids. There were no abuse allegations, but I do think my brother had been fooling around and she found out and was so mad she left. He was completely taken by surprise.

So the court found that by leaving the house, in Virginia, his ex had waived her rights to claim the home. Was crazy. And taking the kids was another big no-no apparently.

His case is different than OP, because no abuse was alleged. My brother ended up with the house and physical custody. They actually co-parent really well today. But the lesson was that in some states, leaving the home and just moving out may penalize you when it comes to dividing assets. This may be why OP's husband won't leave.

Talk to a lawyer in your state! Don't rely on us on DCUM to know.

I'm in VA and have never been cautioned against leaving the house or taking the kids, and I've spoken with lawyers.

I am in VA. I divorced an attorney. Every attorney I consulted with said DO NOT leave the house or take the kids without a signed agreement. You are wrong.

Why? I did exactly that and I'm a man. You don't have to ask some attorney permission to get your kids out of a bad situation. Signed agreements can come later. I eventually got her to move out of my house, move the kids and me back in and I was grated custody but I wasn't waiting for her to agree to anything when I walked out with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you located? My brother lives in Virginia, and came back from a business trip to discover his wife had left with the kids. There were no abuse allegations, but I do think my brother had been fooling around and she found out and was so mad she left. He was completely taken by surprise.

So the court found that by leaving the house, in Virginia, his ex had waived her rights to claim the home. Was crazy. And taking the kids was another big no-no apparently.

His case is different than OP, because no abuse was alleged. My brother ended up with the house and physical custody. They actually co-parent really well today. But the lesson was that in some states, leaving the home and just moving out may penalize you when it comes to dividing assets. This may be why OP's husband won't leave.

Talk to a lawyer in your state! Don't rely on us on DCUM to know.

I'm in VA and have never been cautioned against leaving the house or taking the kids, and I've spoken with lawyers.

DP- my friend was advised not to leave the home without a written agreement/ separation or her DH could claim abandonment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want the divorce, you leave.

No. That is not how it works.

Yes it is and it’s the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the same boat right now but maybe ahead of you in terms of legal consults. You need to have a signed separation agreement that both of you sign and that is notarized and that dictates temporary arrangements for everything from bill paying to custody to household maintenance. In a perfect world this is easy to generate via ChatGPT and both of you sign it and move on.

My DH refuses to even discuss it so I have to get temporary orders, which means you have to go to court and get a court-ordered temporary separation agreement. Not fun.

I am only getting through because DH has a bunch of back to back work trips which I am using to collect all of the financial documentation I can. You need to do this- look up lists online but you need W2s, tax records, mortgage statements, both of your 401k and paycheck info, etc. I also pulled health insurance receipts for my DH (and documented that he had left them in a public place) for treatment for a mental health issue which he has repeatedly told me he doesn’t have.

Also photograph/video everything in your house and move sentimental and precious things that belong to you or your children (baby book, your childhood stuff, figurines from a grandma, etc) to a friend’s house if you can.

I’m also quietly telling a handful of friends in and out of state from various parts of my life the truth in case things get really ugly. I’ve hidden it for so long and I felt a lot of shame but I feel safer now.

Do you have a ChatGPT prompt to share?

ChatGPT will help you narrow it down, but the best way to start is by literally asking it the questions that keep you up at night- but add your county and state.

So I asked things like “can I move out of the house without a separation agreement in X county, Y state”

ChatGPT gave a response and then gave specific options to narrow it down, which is how I realized I needed a temporary order, etc. I have negative feelings about AI but positive feelings about how ChatGPT has prepped me to go into very expensive attorney conversations.

Other prompts I used:

What documents do I need to bring to an initial divorce consultation
What is standard custody in x state by age
How are marital assets divided in x state
Can I sign a lease without a legal separation agreement in place

It also does a pretty good job of creating templates of basic legal documents, which ultimately didn’t help me because DH wouldn’t sign, but at least it got me thinking about asset division, custody and my priorities.

As it feeds you more information, you’ll have a better sense of additional specific questions to ask. I treat it as my initial divorce consultant.

There is also a very short (5 min episodes) podcast called “secret podcast divorce prep guide.” She’s a divorce attorney turned Instagram influencer but hear me out- she gives solid structured advice and helped me slow my roll to do things right.

[Anonymous]

What did you do to him OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want the divorce, you leave.

No. That is not how it works.

Yes it is and it’s the right thing to do.

Whoever can afford it keeps the house or it is sold and proceeds split. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you located? My brother lives in Virginia, and came back from a business trip to discover his wife had left with the kids. There were no abuse allegations, but I do think my brother had been fooling around and she found out and was so mad she left. He was completely taken by surprise.

So the court found that by leaving the house, in Virginia, his ex had waived her rights to claim the home. Was crazy. And taking the kids was another big no-no apparently.

His case is different than OP, because no abuse was alleged. My brother ended up with the house and physical custody. They actually co-parent really well today. But the lesson was that in some states, leaving the home and just moving out may penalize you when it comes to dividing assets. This may be why OP's husband won't leave.

Talk to a lawyer in your state! Don't rely on us on DCUM to know.

I'm in VA and have never been cautioned against leaving the house or taking the kids, and I've spoken with lawyers.

I am in VA. I divorced an attorney. Every attorney I consulted with said DO NOT leave the house or take the kids without a signed agreement. You are wrong.

Why? I did exactly that and I'm a man. You don't have to ask some attorney permission to get your kids out of a bad situation. Signed agreements can come later. I eventually got her to move out of my house, move the kids and me back in and I was grated custody but I wasn't waiting for her to agree to anything when I walked out with them.

It is almost always advised never to leave the house without a signed agreement in place. You were lucky. Also, people can assess the risk that somebody’s going to go to court over it and claim abandonment and maybe your risk wasn’t that high because you’re the man. But every attorney I spoke to said do not leave that house until there’s a signed agreement about custody and what’s happening with the house. Also, all of my friends were divorced. Got the same advice and anyone who moved out before a divorce got an agreement that was signed regarding custody and who got exclusive use of the house. Just moving out is not advisable.