How to decide who leaves home with kids?

[Anonymous]

Op, no advice but just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I am basically in the same boat and got teary reading your posts. May we survive this and get to the other side with our kids.

[Anonymous]

I am the immediate PP who said to talk to an attorney. I'm also the PP who said that I gave my house to my husband to get out of an abusive situation.

What you describe is very concerning. The most dangerous period for someone in an abusive relationship is immediately after the separation. So, you want protections in place.

I will also say that my DH was never physically aggressive to the kids, until I left him. So, I would be very careful. I am so sorry you are in this situation. Choking, or talking about choking, or threatening to choke, is a huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, no advice but just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I am basically in the same boat and got teary reading your posts. May we survive this and get to the other side with our kids.

Thank you and right back at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he has not been physical aside from throwing things a couple of times over nearly 20 years.

but he is scary when he is angry and my daughter once told me that when he is amgry with me, he talks bad about me on the car rides to school and said he makes a gesture wit his hands. I asked her to show me and She showed me what he does.

It’s him holding is two hands in front of him and moving them like he is choking someone.

THAT terrified me. I acted normal in front of her but called my Mom later and sobbed over it.

Talk to an attorney, see if they think that's enough get a restraining order. Also talk to a domestic violence hotline.

+1 to this. Here's a good resource. Look at it in a private browsing window when he's not around so he doesn't see you've been reading it.

https://www.thehotline.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the immediate PP who said to talk to an attorney. I'm also the PP who said that I gave my house to my husband to get out of an abusive situation.

What you describe is very concerning. The most dangerous period for someone in an abusive relationship is immediately after the separation. So, you want protections in place.

I will also say that my DH was never physically aggressive to the kids, until I left him. So, I would be very careful. I am so sorry you are in this situation. Choking, or talking about choking, or threatening to choke, is a huge red flag.

+1. When it comes to abuse descriptors and danger descriptors (which I unfortunately have had to go through for myself), choking is specifically called out as a major danger sign, right up there with owning a weapon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want the divorce, you leave.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same boat right now but maybe ahead of you in terms of legal consults. You need to have a signed separation agreement that both of you sign and that is notarized and that dictates temporary arrangements for everything from bill paying to custody to household maintenance. In a perfect world this is easy to generate via ChatGPT and both of you sign it and move on.

My DH refuses to even discuss it so I have to get temporary orders, which means you have to go to court and get a court-ordered temporary separation agreement. Not fun.

I am only getting through because DH has a bunch of back to back work trips which I am using to collect all of the financial documentation I can. You need to do this- look up lists online but you need W2s, tax records, mortgage statements, both of your 401k and paycheck info, etc. I also pulled health insurance receipts for my DH (and documented that he had left them in a public place) for treatment for a mental health issue which he has repeatedly told me he doesn’t have.

Also photograph/video everything in your house and move sentimental and precious things that belong to you or your children (baby book, your childhood stuff, figurines from a grandma, etc) to a friend’s house if you can.

I’m also quietly telling a handful of friends in and out of state from various parts of my life the truth in case things get really ugly. I’ve hidden it for so long and I felt a lot of shame but I feel safer now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He asked you to leave but will go ballistic if you do? Sounds like he wants you to leave and the kids stay..

Anyways.. Speak to an attorney.

My DH is trying to do this. He thinks he can somehow keep everything. The kids are terrified of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He asked you to leave but will go ballistic if you do? Sounds like he wants you to leave and the kids stay..

Anyways.. Speak to an attorney.

My DH is trying to do this. He thinks he can somehow keep everything. The kids are terrified of him.

I hope you've started documenting. Record any verbal abuse. Keep records of electronic messages (emails and texts) in a format that's court admissible. I assume if you're at this point you don't have any police records or hospital visits to add to the documentation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the same boat right now but maybe ahead of you in terms of legal consults. You need to have a signed separation agreement that both of you sign and that is notarized and that dictates temporary arrangements for everything from bill paying to custody to household maintenance. In a perfect world this is easy to generate via ChatGPT and both of you sign it and move on.

My DH refuses to even discuss it so I have to get temporary orders, which means you have to go to court and get a court-ordered temporary separation agreement. Not fun.

I am only getting through because DH has a bunch of back to back work trips which I am using to collect all of the financial documentation I can. You need to do this- look up lists online but you need W2s, tax records, mortgage statements, both of your 401k and paycheck info, etc. I also pulled health insurance receipts for my DH (and documented that he had left them in a public place) for treatment for a mental health issue which he has repeatedly told me he doesn’t have.

Also photograph/video everything in your house and move sentimental and precious things that belong to you or your children (baby book, your childhood stuff, figurines from a grandma, etc) to a friend’s house if you can.

I’m also quietly telling a handful of friends in and out of state from various parts of my life the truth in case things get really ugly. I’ve hidden it for so long and I felt a lot of shame but I feel safer now.

Do you have a ChatGPT prompt to share?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the same boat right now but maybe ahead of you in terms of legal consults. You need to have a signed separation agreement that both of you sign and that is notarized and that dictates temporary arrangements for everything from bill paying to custody to household maintenance. In a perfect world this is easy to generate via ChatGPT and both of you sign it and move on.

My DH refuses to even discuss it so I have to get temporary orders, which means you have to go to court and get a court-ordered temporary separation agreement. Not fun.

I am only getting through because DH has a bunch of back to back work trips which I am using to collect all of the financial documentation I can. You need to do this- look up lists online but you need W2s, tax records, mortgage statements, both of your 401k and paycheck info, etc. I also pulled health insurance receipts for my DH (and documented that he had left them in a public place) for treatment for a mental health issue which he has repeatedly told me he doesn’t have.

Also photograph/video everything in your house and move sentimental and precious things that belong to you or your children (baby book, your childhood stuff, figurines from a grandma, etc) to a friend’s house if you can.

I’m also quietly telling a handful of friends in and out of state from various parts of my life the truth in case things get really ugly. I’ve hidden it for so long and I felt a lot of shame but I feel safer now.

NP. You have your stuff in order and are taking the correct steps.. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, no advice but just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I am basically in the same boat and got teary reading your posts. May we survive this and get to the other side with our kids.

But how do we teach our children to be better?

[Anonymous]

Where are you located? My brother lives in Virginia, and came back from a business trip to discover his wife had left with the kids. There were no abuse allegations, but I do think my brother had been fooling around and she found out and was so mad she left. He was completely taken by surprise.

So the court found that by leaving the house, in Virginia, his ex had waived her rights to claim the home. Was crazy. And taking the kids was another big no-no apparently.

His case is different than OP, because no abuse was alleged. My brother ended up with the house and physical custody. They actually co-parent really well today. But the lesson was that in some states, leaving the home and just moving out may penalize you when it comes to dividing assets. This may be why OP's husband won't leave.

Talk to a lawyer in your state! Don't rely on us on DCUM to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, no advice but just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I am basically in the same boat and got teary reading your posts. May we survive this and get to the other side with our kids.

But how do we teach our children to be better?

Not PP, but my personal plan is doing better myself (with the help of therapy) and therapy for them. But the therapy for them requires either DH to sign off or me to get sole legal custody...gr...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are you located? My brother lives in Virginia, and came back from a business trip to discover his wife had left with the kids. There were no abuse allegations, but I do think my brother had been fooling around and she found out and was so mad she left. He was completely taken by surprise.

So the court found that by leaving the house, in Virginia, his ex had waived her rights to claim the home. Was crazy. And taking the kids was another big no-no apparently.

His case is different than OP, because no abuse was alleged. My brother ended up with the house and physical custody. They actually co-parent really well today. But the lesson was that in some states, leaving the home and just moving out may penalize you when it comes to dividing assets. This may be why OP's husband won't leave.

Talk to a lawyer in your state! Don't rely on us on DCUM to know.

I'm in VA and have never been cautioned against leaving the house or taking the kids, and I've spoken with lawyers.