Does "no gifts, please" actually mean no gifts?

[Anonymous]

Gosh, if that's a flame, this really is a nice thread! It's not, as I said, that I don't understand why you don't WANT gifts, and I think it's perfectly fine to TELL people you prefer that they not get a gift. I just think it's not very nice to print it in your invitations.

[Anonymous]

We invited 40 ppl to our son's birthday party-it took me hours to figure out exactly how to write "no presents" without sounding ridiculous. I basically wrote that we were excited to celebrate our son's birthday with family and friends, and feel that spending this time with family and friends was a gift in itself...so please, no gifts. Believe it or not, it's difficult to request "no gifts". People don't understand-as if we were taking something away from our son. Family, relationships, friends-are what makes life complete-not a present.

[Anonymous]

The most polite thing to do when attending any party is to respect the host or hostess enough to follow the invitation! If a host has taken the time and made the effort to specify "no gifts, please," I am always grateful and would never presume that they don't actually mean it. You would not fail to RSVP or ignore a requested dress code (I hope!); why ignore the "no gifts" request? To echo a PP, if I receive an invitation that asks for no gifts, I gratefully comply, appreciate that the host obviously wants the company more than the material goods, and I do not feel the least bit guilty or uncomfortable if other people choose to disregard the instruction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, if that's a flame, this really is a nice thread! It's not, as I said, that I don't understand why you don't WANT gifts, and I think it's perfectly fine to TELL people you prefer that they not get a gift. I just think it's not very nice to print it in your invitations.

Not a flame, but I feel like you're quibbling. I guess I can tell people in person, or by email, or on the phone, that I prefer no gifts. But not in the invitation. Not even if I say something like Your presence is the best present-no gifts please. PP, do you have a suggestion for a way to convey as nicely as possible that I wish no gifts for an occasion? Besides having to touch base with all invitees individually? To me putting it on the invitation means it will have better chance of being taken seriously.

[Anonymous]

As someone who recently threw a "no gift" party, I just wanted to weigh in and say that I was actually quite surprised -- and irritated -- when a few guests showed up with gifts. By ignoring my request they clearly made the other guests uncomfortable, some to the point where they came over to me later to apologize for not bringing a gift. Hello?!! I felt terribly that they felt the need to apologize, and was of course reassuring, but it was exactly the kind of awkwardness I had hoped to avoid in the first place. SIGH . . . .

People . . . why is this all so complicated? Why not take a "No gifts, please" invite at face value? I strongly feel that it's ungracious for a guest to ignore a host's request. And for those among us who feel strongly that a "no gift" invite is controlling or a buzz kill, please consider skipping the event rather than being a rude guest who makes others uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Ha- this thread is still going on? I have a no gifts Bday party for my husband every year- and every year his best friend and wife bring something and are discreet at bringing it. I went to a no gifts party for a 3 year old (with DD of course who was invited) and I brought a card with stickers- I saw others who brought gifts. I do think that if someone says no gifts- you follow that request. If they were being trendy to say that and really wanted gifts- then- not my problem- i listen. If it was a close friend (like with DH)- give something if that's what you do or want to do- if it's not- then - let's take it literally and just ignore those who don't. It doesn't make someone worse if they don't listen to the request.

I do think it should be on the invitation. Just my personal opinion- if you don't put it- then they assume it's atraditional bday party.

[Anonymous]

We are doing our first "no gifts, please" party this year, but I'm sure we will still get gifts from some people. I'm just hoping the gifts include bottles of wine!

[Anonymous]

I think part of the conflict people have with the following the no-gift request is that it runs counter to stuff we've learned about manners and etiquette. Good manners says we should bring a little gift for the host, be it flowers, a bottle of wine or whatever. And there's also the social convention that you give presents on birthdays. I've been invited over to dinner and have asked the host if I can bring anything. The host usually says no, but I would rarely ever show up to someone's house empty-handed. This is a situation, where the host usually says no, but most people bring something anyway.

So when one receives an invitation that says no-gifts, we're receiving a contradictory message. Social convention says we should bring something, even if it's just a little gift, a card or homemade goods. But the host is saying don't bring anything. The guests aren't trying to be disrespectful by bringing a gift against the host's request. I think they are just receiving mixed messages from social convention and the new convention requested by the host. And in some cases, I would rather err on the side of being gift-giver than not.

[Anonymous]

You might like the article on this at:
http://www.babble.com/content/articles/features/personalessays/lutz/presents-please-why-i-dont-believe-in-no-gift-parties/
about why it's bad to have "no gift" parties, just because of all the bad feelings, like those described above.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting to see that the people who say "no gifts" actually insist that they mean it. However, every "no gifts" party I've been to has had people showing up with gifts anyway! Suggestion to OP, bring something regardless. Even if it's something really small. Something edible could work? Or a gift card inside a card. Those don't add to clutter.

[Anonymous]

From the Emily Post Institute:

Q. My uncle is celebrating his 75th birthday and my aunt is hosting a huge party for him. Uncle Patrick has been kind to me and protective of me since I was a little girl. I would like to give him something special in celebration of this significant birthday. The invitation says "No gifts, please." Surely they must expect that people will still bring gifts!

A. "No gifts, please" means…no gifts: showing up with a present when asked not to can embarrass the hosts, the honoree, and the other guests who, correctly, didn't bring anything. If you want to give a token of your affection, do so at another time. I am sure he would feel honored to receive flowers or a small but meaningful gift with a kind note expressing your feelings.

Following the invitation is by far the most polite course and, really, the only correct thing to do.

[Anonymous]

And for those among us who feel strongly that a "no gift" invite is controlling or a buzz kill, please consider skipping the event

I have actually done this! It's trickier with kids' birthday parties, if your kid already knows about the upcoming party.

But I have declined now twice to go to a wedding and a birthday party, because in each case the host was too strong-armed IMO about collecting donations to their favorite charities. Not "Your presence is the only gift, please" but instead, some long PC prose about "how you can help stray animals/children in Sri Lanka/the dwindling tundra in Alaska." All good things, which have nothing to do with turning 32.

[Anonymous]

I just want to add that it may sometimes be a cultural sensitivity issue to respect the no-gifts request.

My husband is Persian and still is uncomfortable with the excessive gift environment around here. When he was little, on special occasions the kids would receive a few special sweets reserved for the event (and looked forward too all year) and maybe a small coveted toy, coloring book, kite, etc. Its not that they didnt have the means, it just wasnt in the culture and the little gifts were cherished in the same way. They didnt really celebrate bdays like we do here, nor all the other events i.e. Valentines, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Kindergarten Graduation, etc etc. Between all those special occasions in the U.S. our kids have alot of celebrations in their lives without a huge mound of toys.

Grt discussion!

[Anonymous]

I bring a helium balloon to the "No gift" parties. Kids love them, it's not another toy to clutter the house, and although I try to respect the parents' wishes, it's hard to walk in empty-handed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And for those among us who feel strongly that a "no gift" invite is controlling or a buzz kill, please consider skipping the event

I have actually done this! It's trickier with kids' birthday parties, if your kid already knows about the upcoming party.

But I have declined now twice to go to a wedding and a birthday party, because in each case the host was too strong-armed IMO about collecting donations to their favorite charities. Not "Your presence is the only gift, please" but instead, some long PC prose about "how you can help stray animals/children in Sri Lanka/the dwindling tundra in Alaska." All good things, which have nothing to do with turning 32.

Oh my goodness, thank you for your post! I think it's incredibly rude to ask someone to donate money to YOUR favorite charity. Especially for a children's party. I understand the sentiment behind it, but I resent being asked to send CASH to someone else's pet charity.

Also, I don't understand why some people ask for no gifts but then "suggest" a book instead - like a book isn't a gift! As a former children's book editor, I'm happy to give books, but let's just call them gifts too, since that's what they are.