Does "no gifts, please" actually mean no gifts?

[Anonymous]

When I say "no gifts" and people ignore me and bring one, I am gracious and accepting. I write a thank you note if appropriate.

That said.

I REALLY MEAN IT WHEN I SAY NO. I AM EVEN MORE GRATEFUL TO THE PEOPLE WHO LISTEN TO ME.

It is not about you, the giver. It is about the recipient - who clearly asked that there be no gifts.

[Anonymous]

15:11 here. OP, my post came out harsher than I meant it to. Sorry about that. 16:59 said it better.

[Anonymous]

For some people, the "no gift" request makes them uncomfortable. I knew when we stated "no gift", that the immediate family would not listen, but I'd say half of the invitees, other than immediate family, didn't bring anything but a card. Maybe next year, when we have our son's 2nd birthday, they'll get the hint that we really don't want any gifts! I really like the "let your presence be our present". Very very creative. It took me hours to come up with something in the invitation that didn't sound ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I could be alone here, but .... I've been invited to several no-gift bday parties now, and, 1. I don't bring a gift and 2. I don't feel the least bit awkward/stupid if other people do.

re: charitable contributions, I think I personally would not seek to find out if the host has a favorite 501c(3). Altho I cannot honestly claim that for every bday gift I don't buy, I make an in-kind donation to a charity, I do in fact donate $ several times a year to MY favorite charities, which I have researched, followed, etc.

[Anonymous]

When I've gone to toddler no gifts parties, I've brought baked goods from a bakery for the host to enjoy after the party. Mainly loaves of muffin-like breads. People seem to appreciate it and I feel it's a nice way to thank the hosts without going against their wishes.

[Anonymous]

15:11 and 18:52 here again. I have to admit, this is sticking in my craw for some reason. Those of you who just bring a little something, or donate to charity, or bring baked goods -- you must believe that the inviter doesn't really mean what they say, right? And that it really is OK, notwithstanding what the invited said, to bring something, so long as it's small or baked or homemade or whatever?

Well, I'm not certain I'm right about this, so I'm sort of thinking aloud here and hoping others will comment (respectfully), but I think it may be best to model for your kids a respect for others' autonomy by presuming they DO mean what they say. There may also be a special value in modeling respect for "NO," so that always and forever, "no means no" for your kids in any context.

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, when someone says "no gifts" they actually mean it. I have requested "no gifts" for my daughter's birthday couple of times for various reasons (like we were about to move before her first birthday, just had a very small/casual party for her second) and most people thankfully comply.

When we are invited to a "no gifts" party we always bring a very nice card instead.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to get so flamed, but I have to say that I think it's really rude to stipulate "no gifts" on a written invitation. I know, I know, we all have too much stuff in our houses, etc. I know why you don't want gifts. But I think it's off-putting, especially for a child's birthday. It seems controlling and frankly ungracious and ungrateful. If you don't want gifts don't tell people it's a birthday. Or only invite people you are close to and to whom you can explain what you're doing and why.

You don't get to tell people they have to bring a gift or what gift to bring; this is the other side of the coin.

[Anonymous]

PP, I'm not going to flame you, I just want to show the opposite side of that coin.

For some people, it's a little stressful trying to figure out what to get for a birthday. I have actually appreciated it when people said "no gifts." It was kind of a relief. Not that I wouldn't have wanted to buy something for the child, just that you never know what to get. We have received so many presents for our DS, that, while really well intentioned, were completely unnecessary and just ended up in the bottom of a storage bin. At our DS's 1st birthday party we said "no gifts, the pleasure of your company is honor enough" or something like that. We didn't want people to have to stress out about what to get for him. In many cases, people end up running out to the toy store at the last minute to pick something up anyway. This saves them from stressing out and it saves us. We have a small house and DS has so many toys (especially stuffed animals) that he will never play with. The no gift policy is to save our friends from the stress, and to save us from being crowded out by toys. If you don't say "no gifts," then people wouldn't dare show up without a gift.

However, I also think that the gift giving can get out of hand. I've heard many stories about b-day parties in this area and people (mostly colleagues) stressing about what to get their child's friend for his/her birthday. And then you see kids with this "gimme gimme" attitude (my nieces are a case in point). And I've heard complaints about parents who "didn't even send me a thank you after I bought such a nice present for her child."

We're not at that stage yet since our DS is only 16 months old, but I'm kind of dreading it (never mind the politics of NOT getting invited to parties--but that is a completely different topic that has been discussed many times.)

Okay, I don't want to take us off topic. In short, if someone says "no gifts," I respect that and comply. If they don't, then I get a gift, even if it's something small and safe like a book or a cute outfit (depending on the age). Either option is okay with me.

[Anonymous]

I should have also added to my previous post that for our first birthday party, we really did want people just to come and have a great time. That WAS the biggest honor for our son's first birthday. We didn't want them to even have to think about picking out a gift. Maybe this doesn't work so well when the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

I just recieved an invitation for a retirement/anniversary party for a priest with 50 years in. It said both on the invitation, and on the RSVP card "NO GIFTS". I had a picture of him and my son blown up and framed. I will give this to him on another occasion. No gifts means just that.

[Anonymous]

What an enjoyable, diverse, flame-free thread!

[Anonymous]

I'm with the pps. If it says "No Gifts", I don't bring a gift.

I like the idea of donating to a charity, but it's tough if you don't know the family well enough to say which one they'd appreciate.

[Anonymous]

And if you really want to give a gift, but no gifts are requested, send one in the mail. Any kid will enjoy getting their own package.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to get so flamed, but I have to say that I think it's really rude to stipulate "no gifts" on a written invitation. I know, I know, we all have too much stuff in our houses, etc. I know why you don't want gifts. But I think it's off-putting, especially for a child's birthday. It seems controlling and frankly ungracious and ungrateful. If you don't want gifts don't tell people it's a birthday. Or only invite people you are close to and to whom you can explain what you're doing and why.

You don't get to tell people they have to bring a gift or what gift to bring; this is the other side of the coin.

FLAME! It's the company, the occasion that matters! Presents are not needed. I for one think children today are given way too much and don't appreciate what they have. It's not that I didn't want to ruin my son's birthday-quite the opposite. I've been invited to children's birthday parties, "no gifts" and the children were excited to see everyone and had a great time!