Do you think independence is a high priority with raising kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think we push kids out too early. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a more gradual send off. It would be more concerning to me if my children did nothing than if they continue to live at home while pursuing education and/or working entry level jobs and saving money.

It is very American!

As opposed to those countries that send DC to boarding school when they are 8?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My niece and nephew both opted to stay at home and not go away for college. They went to a really expensive prep school and have a college fund for any school. They were never allowed to go on any kind of overnight camp or trip growing up. I wonder if this was a factor for them. I’m sure they will be fine but I want my own kids to at least go away and live in a dorm even if they are local for college. Is this something you think that needs to be taught and experienced prior to college to give them the push to want to go off alone?

I agree with you philosophically but I also believe you should raise the children you have, not the ones you want. Sounds like your niece and nephew are the timid sort who will still be living in the town they grew up in thirty years from now. Some people are just like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could they have invisible special needs you or their parents don't know about, OP?

My oldest has high-functioning autism and my youngest has a chronic auto-immune disease. You'd never know if you were just interacting with them superficially. We declined certain experiences for them growing up, because we had doubts about their fitness, psychological or physical.

Now my oldest is going to study abroad for his junior year of college. We expect each of them to become independent, but it will happen on their own timeline, not one that you have arbitrarily decided was the one and only, OP!

+1 this exactly! Our oldest has special needs and we’ve had to adjust accordingly. But again one wouldn’t know from a superficial interaction.

OP - you suck. MYOB and stop judging!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece and nephew both opted to stay at home and not go away for college. They went to a really expensive prep school and have a college fund for any school. They were never allowed to go on any kind of overnight camp or trip growing up. I wonder if this was a factor for them. I’m sure they will be fine but I want my own kids to at least go away and live in a dorm even if they are local for college. Is this something you think that needs to be taught and experienced prior to college to give them the push to want to go off alone?

Stay at home, like literally stay-at-home and commute...or just they decided to attend a college near/in their hometown.

I mean...plenty of kids from DC and MoCo attend UMD which is only like 7 miles away and I don't attribute that to anything other than UMD is a great choice and just happens to be close.

Going to local CC, forced by parents. Had no desire. They both mostly keep to themselves in their rooms on their computers. They are employed by the family business so they likely don’t need to ever get a job or internship.

Is the family business a Chinese restaurant?

[Anonymous]

Are the niece and nephew happy with their situation? If they are, then I think it’s fine. If you don’t know if they are happy,spend some time with them.

[Anonymous]

I was the opposite! I had very strict parents and was never allowed to do most things my friends did (hanging out at the mall, dating, big parties, etc.) I could not wait to go away to college - amazing!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think we push kids out too early. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a more gradual send off. It would be more concerning to me if my children did nothing than if they continue to live at home while pursuing education and/or working entry level jobs and saving money.

It is very American!

Or British (think Prince William) or anywhere else in Europe… not just American

[Anonymous]

Independence leads to toxic masculinity and teen pregnancy. Children need structure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My niece and nephew both opted to stay at home and not go away for college. They went to a really expensive prep school and have a college fund for any school. They were never allowed to go on any kind of overnight camp or trip growing up. I wonder if this was a factor for them. I’m sure they will be fine but I want my own kids to at least go away and live in a dorm even if they are local for college. Is this something you think that needs to be taught and experienced prior to college to give them the push to want to go off alone?

Yes. But not by some arbitrary age of 18. As others note, this is an American thing.

Mine is 18 and going away to college, fwiw. But there are things DC is independent about and things she isn't. She'll get there.

I will also add this, and people should repeat it as many times as needed: it does not matter where you go to college. You can get into grad schools from the "local" school. You can be independent at the "local school."

[Anonymous]

Instilling Independence is the main purpose of being a parent.

[Anonymous]

When you tell your kids that the world is too big and scary for them to manage on their own (repeatedly, by not letting your kids have normal experiences as a teen) you handicap them in many ways. They learn to look to authority figures to tell them how to manage. This usually leads to either massively rebellious teens (who don’t trust any authority bc they feel oppressed) or overly compliant and fearful personalities who can’t make a move without someone telling them every move. These are the young adults that are failure to launch, and can get stuck in dead end jobs or marriages

[Anonymous]

For my kids & my family, yes, instilling independence as the kids grow up is a priority.

I try not to think much about or judge whether or how other families do the same.

I believe I have been entrusted to raise my kids and guide them towards adulthood, so for the sake of the future adults I am raising I believe it is very important to provide attitudes, skills, and experiences that will allow them to competently assume ever-increasing levels of independence.

Parents have to know their own children and do what is right for each individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Independence leads to toxic masculinity and teen pregnancy. Children need structure.

You aren't raising children. You are training the adults they will become.

Don't forget to flip the switch when you are comfortable with that fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think independence is important. Raising them to be dependent on you is not healthy

However, I don't think not going away to college means not independent- plenty of college students/ and graduates who are overly dependent on mom and dad.


I also don't think not going to camps and sleepovers means not independence.

Maybe you mean the parents were overly anxious and projected that onto the kids so they are now fearful to try anything without mom and dad?

Hopefully your niece and nephew are happy with their choice and they will be supported if they decided to do anything differently.

I absolutely know nervous parents who undercut their kids' confidence. As a parent you need to tell your kid that they're capable and not project your fears onto them.

It's totally fine to stay at home for college if that's what you choose to do. But it's not okay to stay home because you lack the skills to be independent or are too afraid to go elsewhere.

Things like sleep away camps and navigating your community independently (e.g., taking the metro downtown to a class at a teen) do build those skills in a way that always being supervised by family doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think your niece and nephew didn’t go away to college because they never went to sleep away camp? That’s not a thing.

They didn’t go on any overnight experiences growing up- any kind of school trip, camp, sleepover, etc. Very sheltered.

Ha ha yea, but you’re not judging their parents. Right.

I am judging the parents. I think they sheltered them to the point of being fearful to experience life and hindered their potential.

Yea, but in your examples, it's hard to tell if it's the child or parent pushing for the "sheltered" experience. Are the kids shy, introverted?
If the kids are independent and advocate for themselves in other ways, then parents are doing fine.