Do you know any high functioning alcoholics who mostly hide it?

[Anonymous]

A neighbor of ours went to rehab last year. I've known this person for at least 10 years and while I knew they drank, I never saw them drunk. I did notice a puffiness about his face and neck right before the rehab stint, but believed him when he said he was on a new medication with side effects. I was floored when he went to rehab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was. No one had any idea how bad things were or my regular consumption patterns. I never day drank or to excess in public. No impact on my job, etc. I quit and now everyone just thinks I turned into a health freak. And in some ways…. I did, I decided to save my own life.

+1. Although my immediate family and my parents and brother knew. Everyone else thought I enjoyed wine at happy hour or on holidays, but had no idea what was happening on a daily basis behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

PP and another thing as an ACOA. If you tell me that your parent is/was an alcoholic AND I see you drunk more often than sober or at the very least host happy hours, tailgates, go barhopping, wine tasting and have boozy “girls weekends,” then I am judging you accordingly and will stop interacting with you.

Similarly, I have and will extricate from any friend group where drinking is the main focus, activity and commonality. I’ve left PTA Board work, a neighborhood book club, even a youth sports clique with pre-gaming or tailgating or post-game celebrations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP and another thing as an ACOA. If you tell me that your parent is/was an alcoholic AND I see you drunk more often than sober or at the very least host happy hours, tailgates, go barhopping, wine tasting and have boozy “girls weekends,” then I am judging you accordingly and will stop interacting with you.

Similarly, I have and will extricate from any friend group where drinking is the main focus, activity and commonality. I’ve left PTA Board work, a neighborhood book club, even a youth sports clique with pre-gaming or tailgating or post-game celebrations.

Good for you for having boundaries but that has nothing to do with the OP's question. Maybe start your own thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people can definitely hide it. When DD was young I became friendly with a mom who volunteered with me. She had a successful career and always seemed so put together. She was always the first person to step up to help others and a fantastic mom. She seemed to have a happy marriage. I never suspected a thing. Eventually she faded on the friendship and I learned later that it was because she sought treatment. I never would have guessed. I felt like a lousy friend for not offering support. She did recover and has been sober a long long time. She now volunteers in multiple capacities related to alcohol use. I’m glad she found her happy ending. It’s a disease and the stigma deters people from treatment.

I think this is especially true for women (shame and stigma).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just reading that thread on Diane schuler, the drunk mom in the minivan who drove the wrong way on the Taconic. Everyone insisted she was not an obvious alcoholic. Do you think this is possible? I have a friend who is an alcoholic and it’s very obvious and he talks about his dependence and struggles. But I have another friend who I suspect is alcoholic. She’s a super perfectionist so I don’t think she’d ever admit it.

Nearly everyone my husband went to medical school with. It only becomes a problem if you're sneaking drinks on a work day and driving drunk and notably popped for DUI. Many high achievers can work hard, play hard and are smart enough to not drink and drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people can definitely hide it. When DD was young I became friendly with a mom who volunteered with me. She had a successful career and always seemed so put together. She was always the first person to step up to help others and a fantastic mom. She seemed to have a happy marriage. I never suspected a thing. Eventually she faded on the friendship and I learned later that it was because she sought treatment. I never would have guessed. I felt like a lousy friend for not offering support. She did recover and has been sober a long long time. She now volunteers in multiple capacities related to alcohol use. I’m glad she found her happy ending. It’s a disease and the stigma deters people from treatment.

Seeking treatment doesn't necessarily mean she was an out of control alcoholic. To some anxious people a couple glasses of wine most nights might be recovery-worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was. No one had any idea how bad things were or my regular consumption patterns. I never day drank or to excess in public. No impact on my job, etc. I quit and now everyone just thinks I turned into a health freak. And in some ways…. I did, I decided to save my own life.

Same! My dh had no idea even. I mean he knew I drank at parties but he didn’t know about all the drink I’d drink before we got there. Mostly though I just drank at night 7-11pm I’d have 5-7 drinks. I wasn’t out of control, never had a hangover. I actually was nicer and more fun with my kids once I had a few drinks and could relax. I only liked vodka because it was clear, tasteless (well to me) and didn’t leave a long lasting smell. I drank it with seltzer water.

I never drove drunk though. No one ever said a word to me and I know no one suspected. My friends aren’t shy at saying what they think, my parents neither. I was actually a bit hurt my dh never noticed. I think I was waiting for him to notice and tell me to stop, so I could tell him about how my life was stressful. No one in our extended family ever drinks so I think he didn’t know about alcoholism.

You snuck 5 to 7 drinks every night?? How?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve ever known anyone well who has substance abuse issues, it’s easy to spot.

Really anyone over the age of 40 who drinks regularly has some sort of issue.

Alcohol is a poison. When I see anyone over the age of 35/40 drink a few drinks I assume they deal with a lack of sleep, weight gain, sexual performance issues, fights with their spouse and other nonsense.

Functioning alcoholic just means they are white and graduated college.

+1. Especially the sexual performance.

- signed, widow of an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve ever known anyone well who has substance abuse issues, it’s easy to spot.

Really anyone over the age of 40 who drinks regularly has some sort of issue.

Alcohol is a poison. When I see anyone over the age of 35/40 drink a few drinks I assume they deal with a lack of sleep, weight gain, sexual performance issues, fights with their spouse and other nonsense.

Functioning alcoholic just means they are white and graduated college.

You’re an idiot. Low information and high confidence is also a poison.

[Anonymous]

I can smell it. Even very faint smells, I can detect them. I know about several colleagues at work, and I know several moms of my kids' friends. I keep it to myself.

[Anonymous]

Same story as others - me.

First a bottle of wine per night. Then that wasn’t enough, so vodka or tequila with sparkling water.

I wouldn’t start drinking until we were winding down- so around 8 pm to loosen up, and then steadily after the kids went to bed.

I never once drove drunk. Rarely had drinks during the day - in fact, I often didn’t drink when we would go out to dinner, because restaurant drinks are too watered down to get me drunk, so I just found them an annoying waste of money. So going out with the family or girls, I wouldn’t drink or just have 1 wine - I just waited until I got home & make my drink, which was 4 oz liquor + 3 oz water. Hard to believe, but I drank 8-10 shots every night for years. And then got up & did the morning routine, went to work, volunteered, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. They think they hide it but they don’t. If you grew up with an alcoholic, you always see the signs.

Yet here are many stories of people whose husbands, parents and friends had no idea until it was too late….

Sorry you had an alcoholic parent but your experience is not universal. Many can and do hide it.

and those people will now be able to spot it in others. It is a hard learned lesson one never forgets once the learn it.

I had 11 beers last night and not a single coworker even knows I drink.

It’s fascinating you think you know what every single one of them are thinking. Would I ever call out a coworker for what I assume is probably closeted heavy drinking? Of course not. Can I tell? Yes. You give off so many more small tells than you think you do. People who did not grow up around alcohol abuse won’t notice them so you might be duping them, which is how people sometimes manage to hide it from spouses. But you’re not hiding it from someone who knows all the signs and all the ways that alcoholics behave to try and cover up and front like they’re not drinking all the time or thinking about drinking all the time. We just don’t say anything to you about it.

[Anonymous]

My DH is an alcoholic and no one but me knows. He drinks about a quart of gin every couple of days. He doesn't drive drunk. He doesn't appear drunk. I feel his mood change at night as the night goes on.

[Anonymous]

Sure, I've known a few people who managed to be quite high-functioning - some for years. Then eventually they were no longer high functioning and it became obvious that they had a problem.

Never known anyone for whom it didn't eventually catch up w/ them.