Does this happen in your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he decided that not giving the kid attention was the strategy he wanted to use. It is a legitimate approach. It is not unfair to the kid. Your child needs to learn to calm down and sometimes withdrawing attention, rather than rewarding the behavior with attention, is the way to accomplish that. That was his strategy and you ruined it. That is undermining. You're not allowing him to make and implement parenting choices.

It was really rude of you to ask your DH and then ignore his response. What you did expressed disdain for him. I do not understand why you asked the question if you were going to go in anyway.

You seem like a pushover parent.

I can see that perspective. I’m not sure I agree with it, but thanks for explaining it that way. It gives me something to think about.

I agree that I shouldn’t have asked and then ignored his answer. I’m not quite convinced that I shouldn’t have just gone in instead of asking.

To my credit, I didn’t go in when DS was crying that he wanted me and DH responded that I couldn’t come then, which was a parenting choice that I disagreed with in that moment. I went in when DH was fed up and walked away.

FWIW, DS usually prefers to be left alone when he’s upset, he calms down on his own and then may ask for a hug or may just go about his day. This bedtime meltdown was unusual in itself, and it was also unusual that DS was looking for comfort instead of pushing DH away. Now that I typed that, I see these are all reasons that I’m justifying interfering. Okay, I agree that I interfered.

So the next question is - how do you not interfere when you really disagree with what your partner is doing???

You remind yourself that he gets to make parenting choices just like you do. You remind yourself that you would not like to be treated the way you treated him. You remind yourself that "I'll stop interfering if you do everything my way" is a controlling and disrespectful way for you to treat him. And you suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he decided that not giving the kid attention was the strategy he wanted to use. It is a legitimate approach. It is not unfair to the kid. Your child needs to learn to calm down and sometimes withdrawing attention, rather than rewarding the behavior with attention, is the way to accomplish that. That was his strategy and you ruined it. That is undermining. You're not allowing him to make and implement parenting choices.

It was really rude of you to ask your DH and then ignore his response. What you did expressed disdain for him. I do not understand why you asked the question if you were going to go in anyway.

You seem like a pushover parent.

I can see that perspective. I’m not sure I agree with it, but thanks for explaining it that way. It gives me something to think about.

I agree that I shouldn’t have asked and then ignored his answer. I’m not quite convinced that I shouldn’t have just gone in instead of asking.

To my credit, I didn’t go in when DS was crying that he wanted me and DH responded that I couldn’t come then, which was a parenting choice that I disagreed with in that moment. I went in when DH was fed up and walked away.

FWIW, DS usually prefers to be left alone when he’s upset, he calms down on his own and then may ask for a hug or may just go about his day. This bedtime meltdown was unusual in itself, and it was also unusual that DS was looking for comfort instead of pushing DH away. Now that I typed that, I see these are all reasons that I’m justifying interfering. Okay, I agree that I interfered.

So the next question is - how do you not interfere when you really disagree with what your partner is doing???

Well, if he asked you that same question, what would you tell him?

[Anonymous]

My ex used to say "yes" after I sad "no" very frequently. It felt like an attempt to win a popularity contest and turn me into the mean parent and contributed to the failure of our marriage. I think that kind of behavior permanently affected family relationships. Fortunately, when the kids reached their 20s, they began to appreciate having a parent who tried to set limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least Mom was honest here. She knows she was in the wrong but wanted a check in here first. Probably just writing this helped her sort it out in her head.

Stick with it, OP, things will improve!

Thanks! Writing it out did help, and so did a lot of the responses. I’m off to apologize now.

[Anonymous]

Think about how the other kid felt.

[Anonymous]

Ok, OP, this is hard. My very challenging 6 year old was about to be diagnosed with SN and was struggling a lot and my husband and I had two diametrically opposite approaches to addressing her challenges, mostly due to being raised by very different families. My husband was too reactive and I was too soft. I was always convinced I was in the right because I read parenting books and had been doing a lot of work with DD therapist. But it DOES undermine your spouse. I think there are times you do it anyway but you can’t do it often so you have to be really really convinced that if you don’t interfere it’s going to be really problematic. I honestly don’t know if this was one for your kid or not. If my younger kid was crying that would be super unusual and a sign something was wrong. Not necessarily my older one.

We ended up taking a parenting class together to try and be more on the same page. For my kids aligning our approaches was really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least Mom was honest here. She knows she was in the wrong but wanted a check in here first. Probably just writing this helped her sort it out in her head.

Stick with it, OP, things will improve!

Thanks! Writing it out did help, and so did a lot of the responses. I’m off to apologize now.

We've all been there. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he decided that not giving the kid attention was the strategy he wanted to use. It is a legitimate approach. It is not unfair to the kid. Your child needs to learn to calm down and sometimes withdrawing attention, rather than rewarding the behavior with attention, is the way to accomplish that. That was his strategy and you ruined it. That is undermining. You're not allowing him to make and implement parenting choices.

It was really rude of you to ask your DH and then ignore his response. What you did expressed disdain for him. I do not understand why you asked the question if you were going to go in anyway.

You seem like a pushover parent.

I can see that perspective. I’m not sure I agree with it, but thanks for explaining it that way. It gives me something to think about.

I agree that I shouldn’t have asked and then ignored his answer. I’m not quite convinced that I shouldn’t have just gone in instead of asking.

To my credit, I didn’t go in when DS was crying that he wanted me and DH responded that I couldn’t come then, which was a parenting choice that I disagreed with in that moment. I went in when DH was fed up and walked away.

FWIW, DS usually prefers to be left alone when he’s upset, he calms down on his own and then may ask for a hug or may just go about his day. This bedtime meltdown was unusual in itself, and it was also unusual that DS was looking for comfort instead of pushing DH away. Now that I typed that, I see these are all reasons that I’m justifying interfering. Okay, I agree that I interfered.

So the next question is - how do you not interfere when you really disagree with what your partner is doing???

Your son didn't want to go to bed like nearly all kids and was using an age old tactic. I promise you had you been the one enforcing bedtime he would have been pushing you away and howling for your husband.
You have now created multiple issues first with your husband and undermining him. Then with your son who is now going to throw a fit and expect the same outcome next time.
It's June the overtired kindergartner thing doesn't work anymore. It leads me to believe you are babying your son or refusing to acknowledge s behavior issue. You need to get on the same page about managing it .
As for responding to when you don't agree unless your kid is being actively harmed which they weren't here you stay out of it and talk about it later.
If you wanted to be 💯 in charge you should have been a SMBC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he decided that not giving the kid attention was the strategy he wanted to use. It is a legitimate approach. It is not unfair to the kid. Your child needs to learn to calm down and sometimes withdrawing attention, rather than rewarding the behavior with attention, is the way to accomplish that. That was his strategy and you ruined it. That is undermining. You're not allowing him to make and implement parenting choices.

It was really rude of you to ask your DH and then ignore his response. What you did expressed disdain for him. I do not understand why you asked the question if you were going to go in anyway.

You seem like a pushover parent.

I can see that perspective. I’m not sure I agree with it, but thanks for explaining it that way. It gives me something to think about.

I agree that I shouldn’t have asked and then ignored his answer. I’m not quite convinced that I shouldn’t have just gone in instead of asking.

To my credit, I didn’t go in when DS was crying that he wanted me and DH responded that I couldn’t come then, which was a parenting choice that I disagreed with in that moment. I went in when DH was fed up and walked away.

FWIW, DS usually prefers to be left alone when he’s upset, he calms down on his own and then may ask for a hug or may just go about his day. This bedtime meltdown was unusual in itself, and it was also unusual that DS was looking for comfort instead of pushing DH away. Now that I typed that, I see these are all reasons that I’m justifying interfering. Okay, I agree that I interfered.

So the next question is - how do you not interfere when you really disagree with what your partner is doing???

This makes your going in worse, OP! DS needs to learn he won't always get what he wants.

Uff da, your poor DH.

[Anonymous]

Why did you ask? Asking implies he has the right to say no. It's your kid. You don't have to ask for permission to go into his bedroom.

THis dyanmic sounds messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been working through similar issues and you are wrong. It undermines him as a parent.

I know that’s how DH feels but I’m having a hard time understanding why this undermines him as a parent.

I did not ask in front of the kid. Kid was not upset in response to a consequence. He was just super tired at the end of a long day and lost it (which is not developmentally inappropriate for a kindergartener). Nothing I did contradicted anything DH said or did with the kids. He said good night to the crying child, and I went in, spent a little more time with him so he calmed down, and he went to sleep.

DH basically told me, I want you to let our kid cry by himself in bed, which seems unfair.

NP. You did not undermine him. To me it's strange that you would even ask him whether you should come in. You are the mother, trust your instincts. You know best. Of course you go in to comfort ab upset child. Your H should be grateful for you stepping up and help get the children ready for bed. His reaction is weird and shows that he is insecure.

[Anonymous]

I only read the OP but my take is that you shouldn’t have bothered asking if you could go in when you were just going to do it anyway, and that you seem to think that is normal for a 6 year old to have a meltdown at bedtime just because they’re overtired when it really isn’t.

[Anonymous]

If child was in a daytime time out and you did this, that would be undermining his s parental discipline but at night with a tired and crying kindergartener, it was perfectly fine.

That being said, parenting is tough, more so at night when everyone is tired, cranky and sleepy, give each other grace, encouragement and appreciation. You two fighting over or because of kids isn't good for your marriage or your kids.

[Anonymous]

Guarantee this marriage ends in divorce.

[Anonymous]

You should go help a child who needs co-regulation - period. No need to ask for permission to do so. It's the right thing to do, so you do it.