Does this happen in your family?

[Anonymous]

DH was doing bedtime with overtired 6 year old who ended up in a total meltdown, as it happens with overtired children. DH attempted to comfort DS for a little while, then went to our older child (they share a room) for their end of night conversation/cuddle, leaving DS sobbing. I texted to see if I could come in, and said it was really hard to keep listening to DS cry. DH responded no, but I went in anyway, and rubbed DS’s back until he eventually calmed down.

DH is furious because he said no and I did it anyway, and because I didn’t leave him alone during bedtime.

I fully admit I did both of these things. However, I think it’s weird and controlling for one parent to tell the other to stay away from an upset child.

We’ve been to therapy. He changed a lot of his parenting approaches that I found really troubling, and I’ve really stepped back and let him handle things without interfering. Clearly we both still have work to do.

What I want to know is, in partnerships where you feel like things are good and you trust your partner to handle the kids, does your partner ever say no, you can’t come comfort a crying kid? And beyond that, would you ask, or just enter the room?

[Anonymous]

Why did you bother asking? Ignore his response and then not understand his frustration? Sounds controlling to me.

[Anonymous]

I think you did undermine the boundary he set. For a younger child I would feel differently but age 6 is old enough to experience some discomfort. I would have asked, or asked how long he thought it was reasonable to let the kid cry. Since they share a room, your other child is being prevented from sleeping, and that's a factor too.

I think maybe your child's emotional regulation is not age appropriate and that's why your DH gets fed up with dealing with it. And maybe you're not seeing that there's a developmental problem here and that's underlying your DH disagreements.

[Anonymous]

There were definitely times I asked my spouse to stay away because I thought having both of us there would make it worse. I also would always ask before entering, but I would probably just ignore it. Kids cry. They'll get better. I wouldn't go rub a six year old until they stopped crying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you bother asking? Ignore his response and then not understand his frustration? Sounds controlling to me.

This. Why did you even ask? Of course he is annoyed. You should have just gone in, rather than this fake ask.

[Anonymous]

We have been working through similar issues and you are wrong. It undermines him as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH was doing bedtime with overtired 6 year old who ended up in a total meltdown, as it happens with overtired children. DH attempted to comfort DS for a little while, then went to our older child (they share a room) for their end of night conversation/cuddle, leaving DS sobbing. I texted to see if I could come in, and said it was really hard to keep listening to DS cry. DH responded no, but I went in anyway, and rubbed DS’s back until he eventually calmed down.

DH is furious because he said no and I did it anyway, and because I didn’t leave him alone during bedtime.

I fully admit I did both of these things. However, I think it’s weird and controlling for one parent to tell the other to stay away from an upset child.

We’ve been to therapy. He changed a lot of his parenting approaches that I found really troubling, and I’ve really stepped back and let him handle things without interfering. Clearly we both still have work to do.

What I want to know is, in partnerships where you feel like things are good and you trust your partner to handle the kids, does your partner ever say no, you can’t come comfort a crying kid? And beyond that, would you ask, or just enter the room?

Your DH is abusive. You need to divorce him asap. No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been working through similar issues and you are wrong. It undermines him as a parent.

I know that’s how DH feels but I’m having a hard time understanding why this undermines him as a parent.

I did not ask in front of the kid. Kid was not upset in response to a consequence. He was just super tired at the end of a long day and lost it (which is not developmentally inappropriate for a kindergartener). Nothing I did contradicted anything DH said or did with the kids. He said good night to the crying child, and I went in, spent a little more time with him so he calmed down, and he went to sleep.

DH basically told me, I want you to let our kid cry by himself in bed, which seems unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you bother asking? Ignore his response and then not understand his frustration? Sounds controlling to me.

+100
You undermined him. Apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been working through similar issues and you are wrong. It undermines him as a parent.

I know that’s how DH feels but I’m having a hard time understanding why this undermines him as a parent.

I did not ask in front of the kid. Kid was not upset in response to a consequence. He was just super tired at the end of a long day and lost it (which is not developmentally inappropriate for a kindergartener). Nothing I did contradicted anything DH said or did with the kids. He said good night to the crying child, and I went in, spent a little more time with him so he calmed down, and he went to sleep.

DH basically told me, I want you to let our kid cry by himself in bed, which seems unfair.

Because crying child had been given their goodnight and you had to come in like you loved him more. You’re the one in the wrong here.

[Anonymous]

Because he decided that not giving the kid attention was the strategy he wanted to use. It is a legitimate approach. It is not unfair to the kid. Your child needs to learn to calm down and sometimes withdrawing attention, rather than rewarding the behavior with attention, is the way to accomplish that. That was his strategy and you ruined it. That is undermining. You're not allowing him to make and implement parenting choices.

It was really rude of you to ask your DH and then ignore his response. What you did expressed disdain for him. I do not understand why you asked the question if you were going to go in anyway.

You seem like a pushover parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been working through similar issues and you are wrong. It undermines him as a parent.

I know that’s how DH feels but I’m having a hard time understanding why this undermines him as a parent.

I did not ask in front of the kid. Kid was not upset in response to a consequence. He was just super tired at the end of a long day and lost it (which is not developmentally inappropriate for a kindergartener). Nothing I did contradicted anything DH said or did with the kids. He said good night to the crying child, and I went in, spent a little more time with him so he calmed down, and he went to sleep.

DH basically told me, I want you to let our kid cry by himself in bed, which seems unfair.

It undermines him as a parent because you're clearly showing him that you are going to override his parenting decisions whenever you feel like it. He feels undermined in his relationship with you. It doesn't matter if the kid heard or knows. It's undermining between him and you.

You didn't even discuss it with him, you just ignored what he said and overrode him.

[Anonymous]

If you need to control everything, do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your your kid has some issue causing them to have meltdowns despite being 6. And your DH sees this as a problem but you see it as normal. I think it is not age appropriate and you need to open your eyes to that, and agree on an approach with your DH that is not just constant attention and indulgence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been working through similar issues and you are wrong. It undermines him as a parent.

I know that’s how DH feels but I’m having a hard time understanding why this undermines him as a parent.

I did not ask in front of the kid. Kid was not upset in response to a consequence. He was just super tired at the end of a long day and lost it (which is not developmentally inappropriate for a kindergartener). Nothing I did contradicted anything DH said or did with the kids. He said good night to the crying child, and I went in, spent a little more time with him so he calmed down, and he went to sleep.

DH basically told me, I want you to let our kid cry by himself in bed, which seems unfair.

It undermines him as a parent because you're clearly showing him that you are going to override his parenting decisions whenever you feel like it. He feels undermined in his relationship with you. It doesn't matter if the kid heard or knows. It's undermining between him and you.

You didn't even discuss it with him, you just ignored what he said and overrode him.

+1. It's not about undermining him to the kid, it's about undermining him as a parent in relation to you. You're showing that you're not willing to let him make the decisions.