Does this happen in your family?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're only respecting him as a parent and not interfering when you agree with his decisions. And that's not really respecting him. You have to meet in the middle and work through things, not just do whatever you want and override him.

[Anonymous]

Oh, lady, you are in the wrong. Dad was handling it. You intervened, which means you really don't want him to make decisions. When he does, you go ahead and outrank him in thought and deed.
I'm going to lay this straight for you: Your combined inability to work together will produce all types of bad behavior from the kids- they really will work this dynamic, and apparently already are.

Apologize. Start over. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH was doing bedtime with overtired 6 year old who ended up in a total meltdown, as it happens with overtired children. DH attempted to comfort DS for a little while, then went to our older child (they share a room) for their end of night conversation/cuddle, leaving DS sobbing. I texted to see if I could come in, and said it was really hard to keep listening to DS cry. DH responded no, but I went in anyway, and rubbed DS’s back until he eventually calmed down.

DH is furious because he said no and I did it anyway, and because I didn’t leave him alone during bedtime.

I fully admit I did both of these things. However, I think it’s weird and controlling for one parent to tell the other to stay away from an upset child.

We’ve been to therapy. He changed a lot of his parenting approaches that I found really troubling, and I’ve really stepped back and let him handle things without interfering. Clearly we both still have work to do.

What I want to know is, in partnerships where you feel like things are good and you trust your partner to handle the kids, does your partner ever say no, you can’t come comfort a crying kid? And beyond that, would you ask, or just enter the room?

Your DH is abusive. You need to divorce him asap. No excuses.

Not seeing one iota of abuse here by Dad. If anything Mom here is pretty off the chain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you need to control everything, do it yourself.

This

[Anonymous]

At least Mom was honest here. She knows she was in the wrong but wanted a check in here first. Probably just writing this helped her sort it out in her head.

Stick with it, OP, things will improve!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been working through similar issues and you are wrong. It undermines him as a parent.

I know that’s how DH feels but I’m having a hard time understanding why this undermines him as a parent.

I did not ask in front of the kid. Kid was not upset in response to a consequence. He was just super tired at the end of a long day and lost it (which is not developmentally inappropriate for a kindergartener). Nothing I did contradicted anything DH said or did with the kids. He said good night to the crying child, and I went in, spent a little more time with him so he calmed down, and he went to sleep.

DH basically told me, I want you to let our kid cry by himself in bed, which seems unfair.

and why did you bother asking us, toots? if you were already so convinced that your behavior was justified that you would just keep doubling down on how what you did was ok. You act like you're taking responsibility, but you're not. Of course he's pissed.

[Anonymous]

I mean, let's say he said "Is it ok if I take the kids outside to play?" And you said "Actually it's not a good time." And then he went straight ahead and did it, wouldn't you think that's weird and rude? Like he just ignored you completely, basically flipped you off. That's what you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because he decided that not giving the kid attention was the strategy he wanted to use. It is a legitimate approach. It is not unfair to the kid. Your child needs to learn to calm down and sometimes withdrawing attention, rather than rewarding the behavior with attention, is the way to accomplish that. That was his strategy and you ruined it. That is undermining. You're not allowing him to make and implement parenting choices.

It was really rude of you to ask your DH and then ignore his response. What you did expressed disdain for him. I do not understand why you asked the question if you were going to go in anyway.

You seem like a pushover parent.

I can see that perspective. I’m not sure I agree with it, but thanks for explaining it that way. It gives me something to think about.

I agree that I shouldn’t have asked and then ignored his answer. I’m not quite convinced that I shouldn’t have just gone in instead of asking.

To my credit, I didn’t go in when DS was crying that he wanted me and DH responded that I couldn’t come then, which was a parenting choice that I disagreed with in that moment. I went in when DH was fed up and walked away.

FWIW, DS usually prefers to be left alone when he’s upset, he calms down on his own and then may ask for a hug or may just go about his day. This bedtime meltdown was unusual in itself, and it was also unusual that DS was looking for comfort instead of pushing DH away. Now that I typed that, I see these are all reasons that I’m justifying interfering. Okay, I agree that I interfered.

So the next question is - how do you not interfere when you really disagree with what your partner is doing???

[Anonymous]

You say it seems unfair-- but unfair to whom? The kid, who probably needs to learn some boundaries and would be better off? Or unfair to you in some way, because you didn't get a cuddle or you didn't get to make all the parenting choices singlehandedly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you did undermine the boundary he set. For a younger child I would feel differently but age 6 is old enough to experience some discomfort. I would have asked, or asked how long he thought it was reasonable to let the kid cry. Since they share a room, your other child is being prevented from sleeping, and that's a factor too.

I think maybe your child's emotional regulation is not age appropriate and that's why your DH gets fed up with dealing with it. And maybe you're not seeing that there's a developmental problem here and that's underlying your DH disagreements.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he decided that not giving the kid attention was the strategy he wanted to use. It is a legitimate approach. It is not unfair to the kid. Your child needs to learn to calm down and sometimes withdrawing attention, rather than rewarding the behavior with attention, is the way to accomplish that. That was his strategy and you ruined it. That is undermining. You're not allowing him to make and implement parenting choices.

It was really rude of you to ask your DH and then ignore his response. What you did expressed disdain for him. I do not understand why you asked the question if you were going to go in anyway.

You seem like a pushover parent.

I can see that perspective. I’m not sure I agree with it, but thanks for explaining it that way. It gives me something to think about.

I agree that I shouldn’t have asked and then ignored his answer. I’m not quite convinced that I shouldn’t have just gone in instead of asking.

To my credit, I didn’t go in when DS was crying that he wanted me and DH responded that I couldn’t come then, which was a parenting choice that I disagreed with in that moment. I went in when DH was fed up and walked away.

FWIW, DS usually prefers to be left alone when he’s upset, he calms down on his own and then may ask for a hug or may just go about his day. This bedtime meltdown was unusual in itself, and it was also unusual that DS was looking for comfort instead of pushing DH away. Now that I typed that, I see these are all reasons that I’m justifying interfering. Okay, I agree that I interfered.

So the next question is - how do you not interfere when you really disagree with what your partner is doing???

You have to sometimes accept it. Not all the time. But sometimes, because he's a parent too. And he should do the same for you. If you can't reach a compromise, you have to accept each other's way of doing things sometimes. Both of you have to.

If you had just gone in after some time, that would not be a problem in my opinion.

But I do think it's not age appropriate and perhaps the parenting power struggle is affecting your kid's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he decided that not giving the kid attention was the strategy he wanted to use. It is a legitimate approach. It is not unfair to the kid. Your child needs to learn to calm down and sometimes withdrawing attention, rather than rewarding the behavior with attention, is the way to accomplish that. That was his strategy and you ruined it. That is undermining. You're not allowing him to make and implement parenting choices.

It was really rude of you to ask your DH and then ignore his response. What you did expressed disdain for him. I do not understand why you asked the question if you were going to go in anyway.

You seem like a pushover parent.

I can see that perspective. I’m not sure I agree with it, but thanks for explaining it that way. It gives me something to think about.

I agree that I shouldn’t have asked and then ignored his answer. I’m not quite convinced that I shouldn’t have just gone in instead of asking.

To my credit, I didn’t go in when DS was crying that he wanted me and DH responded that I couldn’t come then, which was a parenting choice that I disagreed with in that moment. I went in when DH was fed up and walked away.

FWIW, DS usually prefers to be left alone when he’s upset, he calms down on his own and then may ask for a hug or may just go about his day. This bedtime meltdown was unusual in itself, and it was also unusual that DS was looking for comfort instead of pushing DH away. Now that I typed that, I see these are all reasons that I’m justifying interfering. Okay, I agree that I interfered.

So the next question is - how do you not interfere when you really disagree with what your partner is doing???

Good lord, you're annoying.

[Anonymous]

Do the posters who keep saying it’s not age appropriate really have kindergartners who don’t have ever have meltdowns?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he decided that not giving the kid attention was the strategy he wanted to use. It is a legitimate approach. It is not unfair to the kid. Your child needs to learn to calm down and sometimes withdrawing attention, rather than rewarding the behavior with attention, is the way to accomplish that. That was his strategy and you ruined it. That is undermining. You're not allowing him to make and implement parenting choices.

It was really rude of you to ask your DH and then ignore his response. What you did expressed disdain for him. I do not understand why you asked the question if you were going to go in anyway.

You seem like a pushover parent.

I can see that perspective. I’m not sure I agree with it, but thanks for explaining it that way. It gives me something to think about.

I agree that I shouldn’t have asked and then ignored his answer. I’m not quite convinced that I shouldn’t have just gone in instead of asking.

To my credit, I didn’t go in when DS was crying that he wanted me and DH responded that I couldn’t come then, which was a parenting choice that I disagreed with in that moment. I went in when DH was fed up and walked away.

FWIW, DS usually prefers to be left alone when he’s upset, he calms down on his own and then may ask for a hug or may just go about his day. This bedtime meltdown was unusual in itself, and it was also unusual that DS was looking for comfort instead of pushing DH away. Now that I typed that, I see these are all reasons that I’m justifying interfering. Okay, I agree that I interfered.

So the next question is - how do you not interfere when you really disagree with what your partner is doing???

You have to sometimes accept it. Not all the time. But sometimes, because he's a parent too. And he should do the same for you. If you can't reach a compromise, you have to accept each other's way of doing things sometimes. Both of you have to.

If you had just gone in after some time, that would not be a problem in my opinion.

But I do think it's not age appropriate and perhaps the parenting power struggle is affecting your kid's behavior.

Yup. The 6 year old kept crying loudly because he wanted to get what he wanted, which was mom to swoop in. And he engineered that exact thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the posters who keep saying it’s not age appropriate really have kindergartners who don’t have ever have meltdowns?

Well, some kindergarteners are 5.

Lots of kids have behavior that is below age appropriate. It's not really unusual, but that doesn't make it age appropriate.