Mom pretends she doesn't have cancer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP! I’m really sorry about your mom. I also have cancer and have been dealing with it for a while. A few comments -

1. I think some of the PPs have been a little harsh and blunt. I don’t know what your mental space is, and it can be really hard to hear how devastating this disease is. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

2. None of us know anything about your mom’s specific diagnosis (tumor subtype, spread, stage, etc), nor her personality. Is this how she copes? That’s ok! I used to disassociate for days on end.

3. Drinking obviously doesn’t help her health but if it’s a coping mechanism, I wouldn’t try to take it away until you can find a good coping alternative for her.

4. Lifestyle and diet can have varying effects. Is she undergoing surgery? Chemo? Radiation? Maybe you can try to research specific guidelines for her as she goes through treatment. Just one example, a high protein diet can be really useful after a lobectomy. Maybe couching it in terms like that will help motivate her.

5. One of the harshest realities I had to face with my own diagnosis was that, while diet and exercise are great for many reasons, they can’t stop the cancer from progressing. It might slow progression, it might help me feel better while going through treatment. But it can’t take away this God awful disease.

My best to your mom. You sound like a caring daughter and I’m sure you are a great comfort to her.

I’m sorry about your diagnosis. I think you’re missing something important though, OP’s mom is very actively not seeking OP’s involvement. She’s a competent adult and has the right to say no to her daughter.

Pp here. Fair point. OP, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Many many adult children have been where you are - frustrated that their parent is not doing what the adult child thinks is best. You will need to come to peace with that. Lots of people can relate.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the doctors don’t have much to offer so are giving her the take care of her health advice. It won’t actually change her outcome. Your mom is probably coping the best she can. It’s not easy to make these changes and it’s even harder when you are feeling depressed or anxious which she likely may be. The fact is what she needs is your unconditional love and support. The rest just sounds like victim blaming to be honest.

I would probably say something different if she was smoking or had T2 diabetes and was ignoring diet but this is lung cancer. It’s awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is in her late 60s and is recently diagnosed with lung cancer. She has an atrocious diet but takes blood pressure script and I'm not sure what else.

She didn't want me (f) and my 2 brothers to know, but the surgeon made an error and injured her, so my dad told us the situation.

She 'wears the pants' in their marriage.

Anyway, she just says that 'she's gonna be fine' but now every time I talk to her, she's been drinking!! She's not doing anything to improve her health.

My dad and 1 brother who lives near her, say that they told her she should focus on her health, but they are both very submissive to her.

I'm so worried and upset about this! Any ideas on how I can motivate her to take care of her health?

She lives in the Midwest and I'm in DC but we will visit in the summer. My kid is her only grandchild. I'm also a health professional and have always encouraged her to eat better, which she kind of does when we're together.

She is coping in her own way and you need to shut up and butt out! She gets to eat what she chooses without you nagging her which only makes her feel worse. The ONLY thing she needs is love from you.

[Anonymous]

My mom was diagnosed with a very rare cancer that is usually terminal in 5 years. She did not tell us the extent of the diagnosis but a family member who is a physician told me when she was diagnosed that we would be lucky if she was here in five years.

My mom pretty much continued to live her life as normally as possible - visiting people, going out to eat and traveling, etc. Sometimes she was very tired from chemotherapy but she tried to have a normal life except for a few times when she was in the hospital due to chemo complications. She lived four and a half years from diagnosis so the original estimates were correct.. Being a cop about things she did would not have changed the course of aggressive cancer. I think you have to let the patient decide how they are going to live.

[Anonymous]

There is absolutely nothing you can do.