Mom pretends she doesn't have cancer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

As a "health professional" you should understand that changing her diet now will do little to help her survive the absolute killer that is lung cancer.

She's taken to drink to try and cope. You need to try to convince her to switch to antidepressants, because alcohol will interact with a lot of medications. Many patients with aggressive cancers need to go on antidepressants, because otherwise it's just too hard emotionally.

This is probably going to end rapidly, OP, unless she responds miraculously well to the new cytokine drugs. So bear in mind that depending on stage, age and health, you might be looking at maximizing her current contentment in life instead of pushing her to make lifestyle changes to prolong her life.

My father with bone cancer was drinking like a fish. We didn't do anything because he was dying anyway. Maybe he would have lived a few more weeks without it.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to watch a parent care so little for their health. But, no, there is nothing you can do to make her change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. I understand your concern but read back through your original post and see if you can’t understand why she leaves you out of the loop. You are super judgmental. It’s her life. And eating more leafy greens isn’t going to cure her cancer. Please for the love of God do not suggest she does yoga to get better either. Just love her.

+1

I find it hard to believe a “health professional” is so obsessed with diet and food in the face of lung cancer. That suggests significantly disordered thought and behavior patterns from OP. There is more going on than what OP says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. I understand your concern but read back through your original post and see if you can’t understand why she leaves you out of the loop. You are super judgmental. It’s her life. And eating more leafy greens isn’t going to cure her cancer. Please for the love of God do not suggest she does yoga to get better either. Just love her.

+1

I find it hard to believe a “health professional” is so obsessed with diet and food in the face of lung cancer. That suggests significantly disordered thought and behavior patterns from OP. There is more going on than what OP says.

I take it she's not a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Goodness. I understand your concern but read back through your original post and see if you can’t understand why she leaves you out of the loop. You are super judgmental. It’s her life. And eating more leafy greens isn’t going to cure her cancer. Please for the love of God do not suggest she does yoga to get better either. Just love her.

+1

I find it hard to believe a “health professional” is so obsessed with diet and food in the face of lung cancer. That suggests significantly disordered thought and behavior patterns from OP. There is more going on than what OP says.

Sounds like alternative MAHA…

[Anonymous]

I just lost my mom to cancer that she could not get ahead of in spite of a year of chemo and radiation treatments that greatly diminished her quality of life. While it's really hard to sit back and not second guess your loved-one's choices in the face of this sort of thing, I would suggest that you do your best to try.

[Anonymous]

OP I get it and I am sorry people are being so hard on you. Contrary to what others said, there is growing evidence that diet and lifestyle can significantly help many people, but your mom gets to make her own choices. You can't change them, but I would at least target the worst one-alcohol. Does she drive intoxicated too? I would express concern about the alcohol and have major boundaries around it for you (you can't change her). You don't want to model alcohol abuse acceptance for your kids. beyond that, if she wants to eat poorly and be sedentary, it's her choice.

[Anonymous]

Please read Mel Robbins’s book Let Them. You’re not going to change your mother. Your mother is likely in denial about her condition. You’re not going to make her face reality. The best thing you can do for both of you is to accept her approach to her journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you can you aren’t her mother. You should visit her more than once a year though, that’s disturbing.

This. She’s had a good life and she doesn’t leave little kids behind or anything.

+1, My grandmother died of cancer at 62 years old, she ate 100% organic and mostly vegetables.
She din not drink or smoke and thin all her life.

[Anonymous]

I am 60 and just been diagnosed with cancer. It is hard to accept this diagnosis and also if there is a chance that it will come back or that you have a slim chance to survive more than 3 years etc - people may be tempted to deal with it the way they think is best.

I am going to fight it but frankly, making all the changes that one needs to remain healthy is tiring and hard even in cases like mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very sorry that's her diagnosis.
Honestly trying to get her to "improve her health" or "take better care" isn't going to be fruitful and will just drive you apart and squander the fixed time you have left.
She may have been told she is terminal. In any case she hadn't wanted to announce the diagnosis.
What she ate did not give her cancer. Even nonsmokers get very aggressive lung cancers.
You can be there emotionally for her, stop hoping you can fix her with healthy foods, and make the most of the time left. Drinking to cope...she must be sad and nxious terrified and worried about leaving you. You might help her cope with medication not booze.
I am sorry but maybe summer better come early. Or go weekend. Or go see her yourself for a long weekend..

This is good advice, OP. I know you must be hurting, but you do need to realize that the reason she didn't want you to know is because she knew you would react this way, and that's not what she wants. It's her life, it's her death, it's her health. Love her, spend time with her, help her if she asks for it, and let go of your urge to tell her how to live what's left of her life.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP! I’m really sorry about your mom. I also have cancer and have been dealing with it for a while. A few comments -

1. I think some of the PPs have been a little harsh and blunt. I don’t know what your mental space is, and it can be really hard to hear how devastating this disease is. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

2. None of us know anything about your mom’s specific diagnosis (tumor subtype, spread, stage, etc), nor her personality. Is this how she copes? That’s ok! I used to disassociate for days on end.

3. Drinking obviously doesn’t help her health but if it’s a coping mechanism, I wouldn’t try to take it away until you can find a good coping alternative for her.

4. Lifestyle and diet can have varying effects. Is she undergoing surgery? Chemo? Radiation? Maybe you can try to research specific guidelines for her as she goes through treatment. Just one example, a high protein diet can be really useful after a lobectomy. Maybe couching it in terms like that will help motivate her.

5. One of the harshest realities I had to face with my own diagnosis was that, while diet and exercise are great for many reasons, they can’t stop the cancer from progressing. It might slow progression, it might help me feel better while going through treatment. But it can’t take away this God awful disease.

My best to your mom. You sound like a caring daughter and I’m sure you are a great comfort to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it and I am sorry people are being so hard on you. Contrary to what others said, there is growing evidence that diet and lifestyle can significantly help many people, but your mom gets to make her own choices. You can't change them, but I would at least target the worst one-alcohol. Does she drive intoxicated too? I would express concern about the alcohol and have major boundaries around it for you (you can't change her). You don't want to model alcohol abuse acceptance for your kids. beyond that, if she wants to eat poorly and be sedentary, it's her choice.

You're not a doctor, and I'm sorry to tell you, but lung cancer isn't going to be alleviated in any way by eating healthier. If you have a cancer that can easily be put into remission, like some forms of breast cancer, for example, then yes, living a healthy lifestyle after that may prolong your life. But lung cancer? No.

Please don't spread misinformation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP! I’m really sorry about your mom. I also have cancer and have been dealing with it for a while. A few comments -

1. I think some of the PPs have been a little harsh and blunt. I don’t know what your mental space is, and it can be really hard to hear how devastating this disease is. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

2. None of us know anything about your mom’s specific diagnosis (tumor subtype, spread, stage, etc), nor her personality. Is this how she copes? That’s ok! I used to disassociate for days on end.

3. Drinking obviously doesn’t help her health but if it’s a coping mechanism, I wouldn’t try to take it away until you can find a good coping alternative for her.

4. Lifestyle and diet can have varying effects. Is she undergoing surgery? Chemo? Radiation? Maybe you can try to research specific guidelines for her as she goes through treatment. Just one example, a high protein diet can be really useful after a lobectomy. Maybe couching it in terms like that will help motivate her.

5. One of the harshest realities I had to face with my own diagnosis was that, while diet and exercise are great for many reasons, they can’t stop the cancer from progressing. It might slow progression, it might help me feel better while going through treatment. But it can’t take away this God awful disease.

My best to your mom. You sound like a caring daughter and I’m sure you are a great comfort to her.

I’m sorry about your diagnosis. I think you’re missing something important though, OP’s mom is very actively not seeking OP’s involvement. She’s a competent adult and has the right to say no to her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it and I am sorry people are being so hard on you. Contrary to what others said, there is growing evidence that diet and lifestyle can significantly help many people, but your mom gets to make her own choices. You can't change them, but I would at least target the worst one-alcohol. Does she drive intoxicated too? I would express concern about the alcohol and have major boundaries around it for you (you can't change her). You don't want to model alcohol abuse acceptance for your kids. beyond that, if she wants to eat poorly and be sedentary, it's her choice.

Diet and lifestyle are great but you (and OP) have no idea what her actual state is like. Telling someone with a terminal disease to eat better is a whole lot to late and really, really inappropriate.