Mom pretends she doesn't have cancer

[Anonymous]

My mom is in her late 60s and is recently diagnosed with lung cancer. She has an atrocious diet but takes blood pressure script and I'm not sure what else.

She didn't want me (f) and my 2 brothers to know, but the surgeon made an error and injured her, so my dad told us the situation.

She 'wears the pants' in their marriage.

Anyway, she just says that 'she's gonna be fine' but now every time I talk to her, she's been drinking!! She's not doing anything to improve her health.

My dad and 1 brother who lives near her, say that they told her she should focus on her health, but they are both very submissive to her.

I'm so worried and upset about this! Any ideas on how I can motivate her to take care of her health?

She lives in the Midwest and I'm in DC but we will visit in the summer. My kid is her only grandchild. I'm also a health professional and have always encouraged her to eat better, which she kind of does when we're together.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My 70yo mom got diagnosed with breast cancer last year (beat it), but it scared the shit out of her. I think at one point she was convinced she was going to die. Her diet is fine but I’m sure she was drinking wine most days.

I don’t think there is much you will be able to do to motivate them to change their ways. Maybe you can regularly deliver them healthy food, but that puts the burden on you

[Anonymous]

My father is like this with insulin dependent diabetes. No diet control whatsoever. I've talked to him about it and he said he would not even joy life as much without these items being present. I sort of get it. Some people would rather enjoy life even if shorter than having a longer life that's not as enjoyable. And that's his choice ultimately.

[Anonymous]

Nothing you can you aren’t her mother. You should visit her more than once a year though, that’s disturbing.

[Anonymous]

OP,

As a "health professional" you should understand that changing her diet now will do little to help her survive the absolute killer that is lung cancer.

She's taken to drink to try and cope. You need to try to convince her to switch to antidepressants, because alcohol will interact with a lot of medications. Many patients with aggressive cancers need to go on antidepressants, because otherwise it's just too hard emotionally.

This is probably going to end rapidly, OP, unless she responds miraculously well to the new cytokine drugs. So bear in mind that depending on stage, age and health, you might be looking at maximizing her current contentment in life instead of pushing her to make lifestyle changes to prolong her life.

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry that's her diagnosis.
Honestly trying to get her to "improve her health" or "take better care" isn't going to be fruitful and will just drive you apart and squander the fixed time you have left.
She may have been told she is terminal. In any case she hadn't wanted to announce the diagnosis.
What she ate did not give her cancer. Even nonsmokers get very aggressive lung cancers.
You can be there emotionally for her, stop hoping you can fix her with healthy foods, and make the most of the time left. Drinking to cope...she must be sad and nxious terrified and worried about leaving you. You might help her cope with medication not booze.
I am sorry but maybe summer better come early. Or go weekend. Or go see her yourself for a long weekend..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you can you aren’t her mother. You should visit her more than once a year though, that’s disturbing.

This. She’s had a good life and she doesn’t leave little kids behind or anything.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're not really in the loop. You went out of your way to mention twice that she's dominant in relationships, and it sounded pretty critical. Maybe she tunes you out because she senses that you have a lot of negativity towards her. Many of us have dealt with imperfect elders who are very independent and don't make the decisions we wish they did. Competent adults are allowed to make choices we don't like.

Maybe she's terminal and is just out of effs to give. Instead of trying to change her, I would focus on trying to spend more time with her, listening to her, thinking about questions I would want to ask.

[Anonymous]

You might not be able to change her and need to focus instead on just letting go and enjoying the time you have together.

My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at 74. They gave him 6 months and recommended hospice but he wasn’t ready to die and fought it hard. When he got to the other side of the fight he pretty much said f it - if I’m dying soon, I want to live life on my terms. He started smoking cigars again (had mostly given those up decades before) and drank way too much. Was it hard to watch? Yeah. Was it worth wasting the time on arguing with him? No.

He ended up dying at 80 of a heart attack. The drinking and smoking I’m sure contributed to it - but he had been clear for years that he had little interest in growing very old and infirm and my family was all pretty at peace with how he went since we knew its what he chose and how he wanted to live out his last years. Nothing made the man happier than drinking a scotch on his porch smoking a cigar and grilling up a big steak. I would have loved more time with him but that’s the path he chose and I think we were all able to enjoy his last years more because we accepted that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might not be able to change her and need to focus instead on just letting go and enjoying the time you have together.

My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at 74. They gave him 6 months and recommended hospice but he wasn’t ready to die and fought it hard. When he got to the other side of the fight he pretty much said f it - if I’m dying soon, I want to live life on my terms. He started smoking cigars again (had mostly given those up decades before) and drank way too much. Was it hard to watch? Yeah. Was it worth wasting the time on arguing with him? No.

He ended up dying at 80 of a heart attack. The drinking and smoking I’m sure contributed to it - but he had been clear for years that he had little interest in growing very old and infirm and my family was all pretty at peace with how he went since we knew its what he chose and how he wanted to live out his last years. Nothing made the man happier than drinking a scotch on his porch smoking a cigar and grilling up a big steak. I would have loved more time with him but that’s the path he chose and I think we were all able to enjoy his last years more because we accepted that.

I 100% get this about your dad.

[Anonymous]

OP you can't change her or the submissive people around her. So just enjoy any time with her (if that is your inclination) or distance yourself if she already makes you nuts, as this will make her behaviour even more difficult. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to bully and dominate your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop trying to bully and dominate your mother.

+1
Also quit shit talking your dad and brother. They are letting your mom live her life. You should too.

[Anonymous]

Eating better is not going to cure her cancer. Let her live her life the way she wants to.

[Anonymous]

Goodness. I understand your concern but read back through your original post and see if you can’t understand why she leaves you out of the loop. You are super judgmental. It’s her life. And eating more leafy greens isn’t going to cure her cancer. Please for the love of God do not suggest she does yoga to get better either. Just love her.