Grocery Store Discipline

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We leave the store with a kid throwing a fit- nobody else wants to be around that. And if you whine or ask three times the answer is always no.

The problem is that the kids hate hate hate grocery shopping. They never went during Covid and it took us ages to habituate them to the idea of running errands. So I feel that while this would work for most kids, leaving and driving away would function as a reward for my particular kids. That’s why I want to do a timeout in the car and then walk back in and finish shopping.

That’s fine. The point is you don’t cause a ruckus in a store. We will leave for car timeout and come back as many times as needed.

Thank you. I’m not crazy. This is what I want to do and DH is obstructing me. Thank you.

Obstructing you? Take some parenting classes together. You both need work.

I’ve taken parenting classes through PEP. I’ve read multiple parenting books recommended on this site. I’ve had years of parent coaching. I am now crowdsourcing an answer to a contentious issue in our marriage so I can show DH that most parents would not make the choices he is making.

Yes, he is obstructing me. If I say, “ No, you can’t have something,” DH tells the kid “Mom says you can’t have something.” Then kid thinks that DH would have let me have it ( probably true) and kid retaliates. DH observes that the kid is worse behaved for me and thinks he’s the better parent. It’s hellish. I love DH and DH is my forever person, and he’s so kind in so many ways, but he’s too nice as a parent and everyone judges *me* for it, including the pp. In this instance, I told the kid no. DH walked off and told the kid yes without consulting me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pitching a fit means you don’t get it at all. Can’t teach them that behavior works.

PP here. This is my take at that age too. I'm a big believer of providing an opportunity to correct behavior and redemption but not for a public fit.

Thank you. Agreed.

[Anonymous]

What one parent says goes. If you really think your spouse made a mistake, you discuss it with them privately and then you present a united front to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We leave the store with a kid throwing a fit- nobody else wants to be around that. And if you whine or ask three times the answer is always no.

The problem is that the kids hate hate hate grocery shopping. They never went during Covid and it took us ages to habituate them to the idea of running errands. So I feel that while this would work for most kids, leaving and driving away would function as a reward for my particular kids. That’s why I want to do a timeout in the car and then walk back in and finish shopping.

That’s fine. The point is you don’t cause a ruckus in a store. We will leave for car timeout and come back as many times as needed.

Thank you. I’m not crazy. This is what I want to do and DH is obstructing me. Thank you.

Obstructing you? Take some parenting classes together. You both need work.

I’ve taken parenting classes through PEP. I’ve read multiple parenting books recommended on this site. I’ve had years of parent coaching. I am now crowdsourcing an answer to a contentious issue in our marriage so I can show DH that most parents would not make the choices he is making.

Yes, he is obstructing me. If I say, “ No, you can’t have something,” DH tells the kid “Mom says you can’t have something.” Then kid thinks that DH would have let me have it ( probably true) and kid retaliates. DH observes that the kid is worse behaved for me and thinks he’s the better parent. It’s hellish. I love DH and DH is my forever person, and he’s so kind in so many ways, but he’s too nice as a parent and everyone judges *me* for it, including the pp. In this instance, I told the kid no. DH walked off and told the kid yes without consulting me.

I’m sorry, OP, that is tough. But showing him this thread as an “I told you so” will not do your marriage or his parenting any favors.

[Anonymous]

It seems like he just doesn't agree with the way you want to parent, and you don't want to hear that message so you're ignoring it. You need to face up to it. He just doesn't agree with your methods and that is that, stop fighting him because it won't work.

There are many good ways to parent, and taking classes or reading books doesn't make your way the right way. And it isn't a popular vote so stop trying to tell your DH most internet strangers think he is wrong. Personally, I would have still bought the X because I think it's petty and reactive to retaliate against a child for their emotions even if poorly controlled. Not buying X is still letting the child control the outcome even inadvertently. Not buying Y is enough of a consequence, plus a talking-to afterwards and some calm down time in their room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does the entire family need to grocery shop?
I don’t want to hear your kid having a tantrum, take them outside.

I disagree and think it’s fine to ignore the tantrum and carry on shopping. Taking them out of the store isn’t really a punishment- they probably don’t want to be there anyway. Strangers can ignore. I know when someone’s kid is throwing a fit in a store- I don’t care at all. It’s irrelevant to me and carry on with my own business.

So one kid’s tantrum can disrupt others? Taking them out isn’t about punishment, it’s about changing their scenery to stop the tantrum AND to be kind to fellow shoppers. Your kid’s fit shouldn’t be my problem.

[Anonymous]

This is a DH problem.

I seriously think your kid will have major problems in life if you continue to parent like this.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your DH think you are arbitrairily denying your dc things?

Like at the grocery store-you said no to dc because he was arguing and dh said yes when dc asked politely and calmly. Was there a really compelling reason dc could not have the item? Was the goal that dc could not have the items because you said so, or because he didn't ask correctly the first time?

I'm asking because, it seems clear that the dc, and dh, don't seem to understand your reasoning behind things. You said you've had a lot of parent coaching and classes and you're still having issues-it seems like maybe there is an issue with your mindset. I don't think it is all dh, and dh gets to make decisions too. Not just only the way you want.

[Anonymous]

1. Both are valid. What I would do depends on the circumstances, like how inconvenient would it be to leave and re-enter, do I have time for that, if I abandon my cart will I have to start a new cart, etc.

2. Maybe, it depends what it is. If it were a treat probably not, if it were a normal thing like sliced turkey or something that I do want the kid to eat, I would. I try not to retaliate against my kid for tantrums, I find it needlessly escalates things and feels overly punitive. Especially if it means the whole family doesn't get something. Try to remember you are the adult making decisions for the whole family. Making decisions based on your desire to punish means that the child is still controlling the outcome and that's what you don't want. It makes you seem weak and reactive.

But you need to understand this isn't a popular vote. Your DH will not care what we think. And despite your disdain for his parenting, I don't think he is actually wrong. His way seems fine to me. The problem is a lack of agreement between the parents, and I think that's a lot due to your belief that your way is superior. You need to compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Both are valid. What I would do depends on the circumstances, like how inconvenient would it be to leave and re-enter, do I have time for that, if I abandon my cart will I have to start a new cart, etc.

2. Maybe, it depends what it is. If it were a treat probably not, if it were a normal thing like sliced turkey or something that I do want the kid to eat, I would. I try not to retaliate against my kid for tantrums, I find it needlessly escalates things and feels overly punitive. Especially if it means the whole family doesn't get something. Try to remember you are the adult making decisions for the whole family. Making decisions based on your desire to punish means that the child is still controlling the outcome and that's what you don't want. It makes you seem weak and reactive.

But you need to understand this isn't a popular vote. Your DH will not care what we think. And despite your disdain for his parenting, I don't think he is actually wrong. His way seems fine to me. The problem is a lack of agreement between the parents, and I think that's a lot due to your belief that your way is superior. You need to compromise.

This is really it ad it warrant counseling. My H and I are worlds apart on many things but we agreed before getting married that children absolutely need to know they can’t get a different answer from the other parent. If I said no, and they went to him and he said yes, they were in big trouble and we saved our parenting differences for private time. We were both believers in authoritative but empathetic and non-violent parenting. We had some major differences along the way, and we each had to yield to the other sometimes.

It’s hard to give a definitive answer about the store because there are a number of unknowns, but the idea of simply not taking kids shopping or on other errands is a nonstarter for me. They need to learn how to go on errands.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree that kids need to learn how to do boring things like going on errands. I think you and your DH need to do parent training together. Also, this book could help.

I Just Don't Like the Sound of NO: Story for kids ages 4-6 about Accepting NO for an Answer, by Julia Cook

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11141182-i-just-don-t-like-the-sound-of-no-my-story-about-accepting-no-for-an-an

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like he just doesn't agree with the way you want to parent, and you don't want to hear that message so you're ignoring it. You need to face up to it. He just doesn't agree with your methods and that is that, stop fighting him because it won't work.

There are many good ways to parent, and taking classes or reading books doesn't make your way the right way. And it isn't a popular vote so stop trying to tell your DH most internet strangers think he is wrong. Personally, I would have still bought the X because I think it's petty and reactive to retaliate against a child for their emotions even if poorly controlled. Not buying X is still letting the child control the outcome even inadvertently. Not buying Y is enough of a consequence, plus a talking-to afterwards and some calm down time in their room.

What I hear you saying is that he gets to win because he’s stubborn. Am I misunderstanding you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does the entire family need to grocery shop?
I don’t want to hear your kid having a tantrum, take them outside.

I disagree and think it’s fine to ignore the tantrum and carry on shopping. Taking them out of the store isn’t really a punishment- they probably don’t want to be there anyway. Strangers can ignore. I know when someone’s kid is throwing a fit in a store- I don’t care at all. It’s irrelevant to me and carry on with my own business.

So one kid’s tantrum can disrupt others? Taking them out isn’t about punishment, it’s about changing their scenery to stop the tantrum AND to be kind to fellow shoppers. Your kid’s fit shouldn’t be my problem.

You’re right, it isn’t your problem. Bag up your cucumbers and keep walking. This isn’t affecting you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Both are valid. What I would do depends on the circumstances, like how inconvenient would it be to leave and re-enter, do I have time for that, if I abandon my cart will I have to start a new cart, etc.

2. Maybe, it depends what it is. If it were a treat probably not, if it were a normal thing like sliced turkey or something that I do want the kid to eat, I would. I try not to retaliate against my kid for tantrums, I find it needlessly escalates things and feels overly punitive. Especially if it means the whole family doesn't get something. Try to remember you are the adult making decisions for the whole family. Making decisions based on your desire to punish means that the child is still controlling the outcome and that's what you don't want. It makes you seem weak and reactive.

But you need to understand this isn't a popular vote. Your DH will not care what we think. And despite your disdain for his parenting, I don't think he is actually wrong. His way seems fine to me. The problem is a lack of agreement between the parents, and I think that's a lot due to your belief that your way is superior. You need to compromise.

This is really it ad it warrant counseling. My H and I are worlds apart on many things but we agreed before getting married that children absolutely need to know they can’t get a different answer from the other parent. If I said no, and they went to him and he said yes, they were in big trouble and we saved our parenting differences for private time. We were both believers in authoritative but empathetic and non-violent parenting. We had some major differences along the way, and we each had to yield to the other sometimes.

It’s hard to give a definitive answer about the store because there are a number of unknowns, but the idea of simply not taking kids shopping or on other errands is a nonstarter for me. They need to learn how to go on errands.

I agree that it’s really bad. I’m livid because I’m the only parent trying to reach a consensus. He thinks his way is fine and I have a problem. Years of this attitude have driven me mad.

[Anonymous]

I we say that we’ve had a parent coach in the past and that really helped us get on the same page, but she now charges over $200/hour. We haven’t been in years and it’s like he’s forgotten everything we worked on. DH also had less responsibility at work back then and could get to the appointments.