Child Struggling in College

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS had difficulty in HS and is now struggling academically in college. Mentally he’s doing pretty well. In your shoes, I would focus on what he needs to be mentally stable and not worry about academics as much. If that means community college, that is fine, or getting a 2.8 in college. The most important thing is that he not have another breakdown. Post college life will work itself out eventually.

This is wise.

One challenge at a time.

It is great that your son is in therapy.

There are many jobs that use different skills than college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you providing any financial support at all? If so, I would have conditions on it. You seem to think you have zero power once he turned 18.

Stop.

The kid is trying, and perhaps doing the best he can.

Another option might be an executive function coach at college (or transferring to a college that offers that). But he might not be up to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is a business major. It is the closest fit to things he might be interested in. But so far nothing really interests him so I think he needs his head in a place to find his interests before he moves majors.

I can’t be his EF coach because he is in college. I got him a tutor and he is using his therapist to help him find apps, etc. But getting him to sign on to things is difficult because pushing too much hurts his self esteem. And why did it take this long? He hides things well and if you press him, he would clam up. He had straight As, a job, friends. When I saw it going off the rails, I forced a therapist on him and he just BSed the guy into thinking everything was fine and he didn’t need anyone.

I am going to try to get his dx and work to get him tested. I am not worried about internships now. I would like him to have a job this summer to have structure, because without it, he wants to escape and ends up on video games all day.

You are on the right track.

You sound like a good parent. Stixrud Group (in Silver Spring ) does a good job either with testing. But you have to sign up way in advance. And it is not cheap.

[Anonymous]

God, people, the kid is depressed. His parents are going thru a divorce and his dad is a dick. The last thing he needs is to drop out of college and move home and go to community college!

If he got into UMD CP, he is smart. This is psychological.

[Anonymous]

Take care of yourself too.

Your son needs you, and you have been through a lot this year.

🤗

[Anonymous]

Ask him if he will sign a release of information so you can speak to his therapist. Reassure him that you won’t discuss the content of his sessions but simply want to consult to provide better support to him.

I agree to minimize the focus on grades and internships. Mental health trumps all.

[Anonymous]

Just keep being there for him.
It is a huge success that he is passing his classes and has Bs and Cs. That’s great.
My dd was the same in HS with high ACT scores. But she couldn’t handle college. Failed most classes 1st semester, then on probation and then kicked out after 2nd semester. She’s regrouping at home now and taking a couple CC classes. Hopefully she’ll find her way, but I can’t make her.

So again, celebrate your sons success and keep encouraging him and affirming him

[Anonymous]

Agree with medication for adhd and possibly depression being important.

But the other thing that was a game changer for my DC was a job. Not an internship but just a regular job. Turns out when it is a job versus school, dc was so much better at everything. For his job, he got himself up early, he was hardworking and liked all
The stimulation of the workplace, and felt a real self esteem boost that he was successful in it. I think earning his own money was also really good for his self image.

Of course, when he’d come home he would be exhausted and often ready to fall apart, so it was t perfect. But he was significantly happier and I wish we had tried it earlier. I thought it would be a mistake to add a job when grades were shaky, but it actually worked out better for him that way for all of the above reasons.

Good luck to him!

[Anonymous]

OP, my son sounds exactly, exactly the same. Finished freshman year with 2.9 gpa.

He was evaluated by Stixrud in early HS. Has a diagnosis of adhd and executive dysfunction. But, like your son, mine is resistant to medication so to me it feels meaningless to have the diagnoses.

Also like your son, mine became very depressed and anxious freshman year as a result of trying and not doing well (also I think he found the demands of college generally overwhelming - too much unstructured time, needing to manage his own errands, etc). He finally agreed to meet with a therapist in middle of feshman year after almost having a breakdown, and it has been a lifesaver for him emotionally (I thank the stars every day for his therapist). And then after a few months of working together, the therapist recommended he meet with a psychiatrist to try anti anxiety meds, and that also has been helpful for my son emotionally.

None of these changes helped him perform better in school, though. We did hire an executive function coach for him this year, and it has helped somewhat but is a lot of money and is no magic bullet (I frequently
question whether it helps enough to justify the cost).

I’m focusing on my son getting through college emotionally stable. I hope he will find an interest (he hasn’t yet) but one way or another a job will come. I do often feel discouraged, though, as it seems my son is already on a path to dead end jobs after having been a high achiever academically in K-12.

[Anonymous]

Encourage a regular job this summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God, people, the kid is depressed. His parents are going thru a divorce and his dad is a dick. The last thing he needs is to drop out of college and move home and go to community college!

If he got into UMD CP, he is smart. This is psychological.

+1 and a 2.8 starting college, especially for male is not unusual. OP is great to get help to address depression but I think the last thing the smart kid needs is to drop out of UMCP if he doesn’t want to. This is not time for tough love, the kid is trying. There is no need to worry about future jobs yet. If he cannot get good internship jobs with lower grades now, just work. Also, consider other less desirable cities for internships (in future years). Give it some time. I know it is hard. Watch the depression but the grades are not that bad.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all of the advice.

I did get him to release the therapist to talk to me but it has limitations. Basically to “what is the plan” and “what can I do to support.” As for the plan, the therapist says he has a lot to unpack. A lot. So the progress will be slow. He attended a club event a couple of weeks ago and that was a big win. The affirmations are helping and “outings” where I offer an activity, we do it and have fun, and then I take him back to school. I actually really enjoy this because I think it also sets us up for an adult relationship. She said I don’t come up much in the sessions (and she said that is a good thing) other than he enjoyed the outing so keep that up. The last is to still guide him on what to do because he is not there from an executive function standpoint, and fear and anxiety causes him to freeze. But not push because he needs to learn autonomy. So over the last couple of weeks, he made a resume, we practiced cover letters, we prepped interviewing, and I set up an informational interview. Next week we are going to list the local shops for a summer job and he will be ready to ask if they have openings, provide a resume and interview. Essentially, I guide him with choices and help him, but he makes the choice and work on the goal. Ironically, someone I knew passed along an internship that he was interested in and he applied and got an interview but I am trying to keep him from getting his hopes up and telling him that just getting the interview is a win. It is funny that I almost wish he didn’t get the interview because I am so nervous about him getting discouraged, but it will be a learning experience.

To the PPs with kids in the same situation - I understand how hard it is to see your kid struggle. And it is so confusing when your child was a high achiever in K-12. My DS is really caring and I just want to see him happy. I asked him how he was doing today and he proceeded to tell me how he is fine. And was always fine. And there was “other stuff” but doesn’t really want to talk about it. I think his big step is learning how to talk about his feelings and all of the self-doubt that comes with it.

[Anonymous]

My DD did amazing in high school, she was in all honors and APs, all As, captain of her sport for three years, National honor society etc. went to a top college and nearly crashed and burned first year. A previous therapist had suggested that she had ADHD and honestly I nearly laughed in her face, this is a kid who never put a foot wrong and always did her work and aced her tests. Well guess what, she does have ADHD and we found out officially after that first year in college.

Similar to OPs kid, she had too much free time, too little structure, too much friend time, too much skipping class. It came back to bite her and I realized then how much HS forced her by its very structure to do well but college, without that structure, showed her challenges. She got medicated with adderall and now Vyvanse after that first year and she has worked to climb back to about a 3.4 gpa, graduating next month provided she doesn’t fail one class that is NOT what she should taken second semester senior year (ugh).

She is applying for jobs that never ask her Gpa and she has had great internships, which again never asked for her gpa. She is not going to necessarily be climbing the corporate ladder in her chosen career path but one thing that she always said is that she didn’t see herself in a corporate 9-5 setting. It’s not a dead end career at all and I know she’s very excited about it but a long way from the pre med she was when she started college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh Dear Lord.

A. A therapist is NOT QUALIFIED to say whether he needs medication or not! They are not psychiatrists, who are the medical experts.

B. Also, you are describing executive dysfunction, meaning ADHD. The poor young man needs stimulants like Ritalin or Adderall, which are the first line of defense for ADHD and have been safely used for decades to treat that disorder.

C. Of course he's depressed and anxious if no one has thought of getting his ADHD treated! Once he can focus better and have better grades (and all the other life improvements that better focus brings), he won't feel so badly about himself. Or perhaps the depression and anxiety are so severe that he also needs meds for those too, but usually it's best practice to first treat the ADHD, which is often the root cause of the issues.

D. In that knowledge, please help him find a psychiatrist to consult. You cannot neglect your duty as a parent and allow him to graduate like this.

- parent, spouse and relative of people with ADHD.

Yes yes! Came here to right all of this but I didn’t have to bc this post nails it on the head!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh Dear Lord.

A. A therapist is NOT QUALIFIED to say whether he needs medication or not! They are not psychiatrists, who are the medical experts.

B. Also, you are describing executive dysfunction, meaning ADHD. The poor young man needs stimulants like Ritalin or Adderall, which are the first line of defense for ADHD and have been safely used for decades to treat that disorder.

C. Of course he's depressed and anxious if no one has thought of getting his ADHD treated! Once he can focus better and have better grades (and all the other life improvements that better focus brings), he won't feel so badly about himself. Or perhaps the depression and anxiety are so severe that he also needs meds for those too, but usually it's best practice to first treat the ADHD, which is often the root cause of the issues.

D. In that knowledge, please help him find a psychiatrist to consult. You cannot neglect your duty as a parent and allow him to graduate like this.

- parent, spouse and relative of people with ADHD.

Yes yes! Came here to right all of this but I didn’t have to bc this post nails it on the head!!!

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