Child Struggling in College
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Anonymous
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My DS did well in HS but had trouble with executive function. Needed lots of reminders and really struggled with large exams. Seemed the format for HS was primarily quizzes and projects so he got straight As (with me serving has his executive function), but often did poorly on unit tests and then would get his grades up and never got higher than a 2 on an AP exam.
Low self esteem, depression and anxiety. We got him into therapy in January (it took months to convince him, he had a therapist junior year and he was able to BS the person into thinking he was fine and discontinuing) but after a scare in the fall, we pressed and it is going to be a long road. DS said therapist said he doesn't need meds, but he is an adult so that type of info is not open to us. Looking for internships and it is really hard with a 2.8 GPA. We talked about applying as practice but this year just to get a regular old job or perhaps retake a class (it is still on the transcript but improves the GPA). But looking forward, assuming he graduates with a 3.0, how hard is that going to be to get an internship closer to graduation or a job afterwards. Stressing here so I don't stress him. |
Anonymous
| My DS had difficulty in HS and is now struggling academically in college. Mentally he’s doing pretty well. In your shoes, I would focus on what he needs to be mentally stable and not worry about academics as much. If that means community college, that is fine, or getting a 2.8 in college. The most important thing is that he not have another breakdown. Post college life will work itself out eventually. |
Anonymous
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Can you try trade school? Doesn’t seem college is the best. |
Anonymous
| I would focus on his mental health and honestly just finishing college. Doesn’t matter what the GPA is. He will not be competitive for prized internships but that doesn’t matter. If he works a steady summer job each year he will be seen as responsible enough when he graduates to be employable. Use the time in college to figure out his skills - sales, coding, customer service, analytics, landscaping, agriculture, anything - he needs to see a future for himself beyond classes |
Anonymous
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OP here - my DS does not really do physical. He likes to bake so we have talked about maybe working at or owning a bakery, but that feels very intimidating to him. But fixing things with his hands, not his thing.
He says he likes his school so he is not looking to pull out and go to community college. I could ask him although I think he would see it as just trading schools. He is quite bright so it is not the mastery of the topic (meaning the problem will be the same at all schools). He will just forget something, or write something wrong in his notes or get confused and then completely second guess himself on the test. When he was studying for the SAT, he could consistently score a 1560 with the tutor, but would freeze during the test, then get a series of questions wrong in one math section (and get 100% on the other). Then he would take it again, and do the same thing, but swapping sections. The tutor said it was an anxiety issue so best to find a score to be happy with rather than stress him and take it again. I am thinking one of the PPs is right - focus on the mental and everything else will follow. But it is a hard loop to not be depressed when you are studying hard and then keep tanking tests (so his grade starts off good then crashes at the midterm then he spends the rest of the time getting it back up and then see how far down it goes again on the final). He doesn't want to take a break and the therapist has said that it is best for his mental health to stay on campus. Me and his father just divorced and his father can be toxic. They are working on setting boundaries so the therapist thinks that staying on campus and away from pressure to stay with his dad or fall into old video game habits is best. Just hoping it works out post college because I am just worried about the dip. He goes to UMD - I have to imagine there are plenty of kids without As who do fine. |
Anonymous
thanks |
Anonymous
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Oh Dear Lord.
A. A therapist is NOT QUALIFIED to say whether he needs medication or not! They are not psychiatrists, who are the medical experts. B. Also, you are describing executive dysfunction, meaning ADHD. The poor young man needs stimulants like Ritalin or Adderall, which are the first line of defense for ADHD and have been safely used for decades to treat that disorder. C. Of course he's depressed and anxious if no one has thought of getting his ADHD treated! Once he can focus better and have better grades (and all the other life improvements that better focus brings), he won't feel so badly about himself. Or perhaps the depression and anxiety are so severe that he also needs meds for those too, but usually it's best practice to first treat the ADHD, which is often the root cause of the issues. D. In that knowledge, please help him find a psychiatrist to consult. You cannot neglect your duty as a parent and allow him to graduate like this. - parent, spouse and relative of people with ADHD. |
Anonymous
Wow you really buried the lede! He's grieving the loss of his intact family, he's coping with the changes of divorce on top of everything else and it's stressful and sad for him. Do NOT underestimate the impact of divorce at this sensitive age. I'm sure you'll be defensive and say you have good reasons, but that's not the point. The point is, your son is grieving the divorce. And if he doesn't feel able to talk with you honestly about it, then this won't improve. |
Anonymous
I talked to him about ADHD and I actually emailed his therapist about it earlier. I didn’t think of it earlier because his grades were good so I thought it was just him developing slowly. I actually hope that he has something that could be treated, because I agree that it could help immensely with the self-flogging for inability to focus. As for a psychiatrist, easier said than done when they are adults. He is anti-medication so even if it wasn’t true that the therapist said he doesn’t need any, he shot that discussion down pretty fast. And to respond to a different PP, there was never a good time for the divorce and I don’t underestimate the impact. My ex was controlling and verbally abusive. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what would be the best timing. I was hoping having some distance would be better because my DS cannot handle conflict. There is so much back story between my ex’s depression and my son’s desire to take care of him while also being subject to constant criticism. If I intervened, it would get worse. I could go on about regret and choices. But right now, I have two wonderful kids. One is easy to help because DD is open, verbal, etc. But my DS has always been harder so I am doing my best to give him regular affirmations, check in with him, support whenever he needs it (connected him to a tutor) and try to be the voice I want him to hear until his own internal voice stops undermining him. I don’t want him to hear my worry. So when he told me he bombed a mid-term I told him it was going to be okay and I love and support him. And after getting off that call I needed to voice my concerns and hoped to hear that it was going to be okay. |
Anonymous
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Here’s an exhaustive list of trades commonly taught in trade schools:
Automotive Technology Auto Body Repair Electrical Trades Plumbing HVAC Welding Carpentry Construction Management Masonry Roofing Heavy Equipment Operation Culinary Arts Baking and Pastry Cosmetology Barbering Nail Technology Esthetics (Skincare) Medical Assisting Dental Assisting Pharmacy Technician Medical Coding and Billing Phlebotomy Surgical Technology Veterinary Assisting Information Technology (IT) Computer Networking Cybersecurity Machining CNC Programming Tool and Die Making Manufacturing Technology Commercial Truck Driving (CDL) Logistics and Supply Chain Graphic Design Web Design Video Production Animation Aviation Maintenance Aircraft Dispatch Diesel Mechanics Motorcycle Repair Marine Mechanics Refrigeration Technology Locksmithing Gunsmithing Jewelry Making Upholstery Landscaping Horticulture Forestry Technician Wind Turbine Technology Solar Energy Technology Pipefitting Boilermaking Ironworking Sheet Metal Work Elevator Installation and Repair Firefighting Technology Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) Paralegal Studies Court Reporting Interior Design Fashion Design Tailoring Photography Sound Engineering Broadcasting Robotics Technology Industrial Maintenance Biomedical Equipment Repair |
Anonymous
| Does he have a dx? Does his school have a disability services office? Help him find out what supports are available. And plus 1000 to the PP calling out the therapist- no business making recs for medication, he needs to see a doctor for that |
Anonymous
| Does he have a dx? Does his school have a disability services office? Help him find out what supports are available. And plus 1000 to the PP calling out the therapist- no business making recs for medication, he needs to see a doctor for that |
Anonymous
| What year is your child? Internships are the least of his issues right now. |
Anonymous
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I don't know his dx (if he has one) and his therapist cannot release anything without his approval. And the therapist was not making recs for medication, it was a recommendation of whether he needed a referral to a psychiatrist. Again, 18+ years old = black box, or at least, whatever he tells me.
I talk to him about medication, ADHD, etc. but since one of his issues is setting boundaries, forcing the issue causes other problems. He is a freshman so he has time. |
Anonymous
| I agree with those above who said that academics are the least of the worries right now. He can stay at his school and do well enough. Doesn’t need an internship freshman year. It sounds like what he needs is time and space to process the changes in the family, gain some independence, and find his own way. No pressure to get an internship or worry about getting a job years down the road. |