Child Struggling in College

[Anonymous]

College is tough and I certainly can relate to the OP and I find myself in a similar situation with my college freshman son.

Long story short, he just told us that he withdrew from 3 of 5 classes...feel angry and sad at the same time since this whole experience for him has been tough. Down on himself and not really engaging with us either.

Trying to now piece together the last few weeks of the semester and what we do next year, which most likely will be Community College and staying back at home. Working as well.

That's ok. But, have a whole lot to unpack. Good Luck to all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Can you try trade school? Doesn’t seem college is the best.

Do you consider the trades as a lower form of intellectual and academic pursuit? If the student struggles mentally and psychologically in college, most likely he will fail in the trades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Can you try trade school? Doesn’t seem college is the best.

Do you consider the trades as a lower form of intellectual and academic pursuit? If the student struggles mentally and psychologically in college, most likely he will fail in the trades.

No. College is where smart kids go. I have a neighbor whose son was addicted to cocaine who entered the trades. The two paths are not similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my DS does not really do physical. He likes to bake so we have talked about maybe working at or owning a bakery, but that feels very intimidating to him. But fixing things with his hands, not his thing.

He says he likes his school so he is not looking to pull out and go to community college. I could ask him although I think he would see it as just trading schools. He is quite bright so it is not the mastery of the topic (meaning the problem will be the same at all schools). He will just forget something, or write something wrong in his notes or get confused and then completely second guess himself on the test. When he was studying for the SAT, he could consistently score a 1560 with the tutor, but would freeze during the test, then get a series of questions wrong in one math section (and get 100% on the other). Then he would take it again, and do the same thing, but swapping sections. The tutor said it was an anxiety issue so best to find a score to be happy with rather than stress him and take it again.

I am thinking one of the PPs is right - focus on the mental and everything else will follow. But it is a hard loop to not be depressed when you are studying hard and then keep tanking tests (so his grade starts off good then crashes at the midterm then he spends the rest of the time getting it back up and then see how far down it goes again on the final).

He doesn't want to take a break and the therapist has said that it is best for his mental health to stay on campus. Me and his father just divorced and his father can be toxic. They are working on setting boundaries so the therapist thinks that staying on campus and away from pressure to stay with his dad or fall into old video game habits is best.

Just hoping it works out post college because I am just worried about the dip. He goes to UMD - I have to imagine there are plenty of kids without As who do fine.

Sounds like he should select classes with papers and projects rather than exams

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh Dear Lord.

A. A therapist is NOT QUALIFIED to say whether he needs medication or not! They are not psychiatrists, who are the medical experts.

B. Also, you are describing executive dysfunction, meaning ADHD. The poor young man needs stimulants like Ritalin or Adderall, which are the first line of defense for ADHD and have been safely used for decades to treat that disorder.

C. Of course he's depressed and anxious if no one has thought of getting his ADHD treated! Once he can focus better and have better grades (and all the other life improvements that better focus brings), he won't feel so badly about himself. Or perhaps the depression and anxiety are so severe that he also needs meds for those too, but usually it's best practice to first treat the ADHD, which is often the root cause of the issues.

D. In that knowledge, please help him find a psychiatrist to consult. You cannot neglect your duty as a parent and allow him to graduate like this.

- parent, spouse and relative of people with ADHD.

I agree mostly except that there are a ton of ADHD medications, some are non-stimulant.
You should see if his therapy practice has a medical manager with whom they can consult regarding medicine. Psychologist may also be able to prescribe.
Your kid would do well to have an executive functioning coach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he seems to do well with project, and even though he has social anxiety, teams. And ironically, presentations. Give him a problem set and he does fine - put him in a pressure cooker with a longer problem set and he second guesses himself and forgets.

For the trade school - I do think there needs to be interest and skill. My father is in a trade and he likes taking things apart and figuring out how things work. He will sometimes work on things with my DS, but my DS has a tendency to solve a flat tire with wanting to buy a new bike. He has zero interest. But then he took the time to write and open source a rock paper scissor game. He doesn’t want to do any programming but I was thinking cybersecurity might be an interest. Right now nothing is an interest. And the minute we talk about interest being a future, he gets nervous so he is going to have to find something without anyone pushing him in a direction.

I agree no need for an internship this year. We are just doing practice resumes and I set him up with an informational interview with someone who I knew would be kind. This is just to prep him for later rather than throw him into something new. Giving him practice with no stakes is helpful for future years. He actually got a real interview and I think it might be a fit, but there is no pressure. I told him to treat it like practice and then we can talk about what he want to do this summer (like work at the ice cream shop). This summer is just about structure, so he gets out of the house on a regular basis.

I am going to circle back with the therapist again about linking him with the psychiatrist in the practice, and talk to him about just exploring it.

If he won't do medicine, there are life hacks for dealing with ADHD and executive function issues. Apps for his phone. Calendar reminders. Rigid schedules with self-set "study halls" to force him to study daily and not procrastinate. Tutors.l to sit with him and help him focus.

Maybe Google for options or offer to pay for an executive function coach? You could also see about getting him extra time on tests.

Accommodations, medication for the ADHD and anxiety, executive functioning coach and a therapist who understands ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God, people, the kid is depressed. His parents are going thru a divorce and his dad is a dick. The last thing he needs is to drop out of college and move home and go to community college!

If he got into UMD CP, he is smart. This is psychological.

You have no clue about ADHD do you?

[Anonymous]

The world needs ditch diggers. Have fun when he moves back home and smokes pot all day playing video games.