Is it wrong to feel badly when your twenty something breaks up with a long term partner?

[Anonymous]

It's not wrong to feel bad when your child, no matter the age, is going through something hard that you can't really help with. It sounds like it is a good thing that they recognized fundamental incompatibility before getting married, and that she is handling it as well as can be expected.

Just handle your feelings without involving her. And don't communicate any second-guessing that you may be doing in your own head. I broke up with a long-term, very serious boyfriend in my early 20s because as conversations and decisions got closer to life choices that couldn't be easily revoked (marriage, kids) I realized that we had some fundamental differences that hadn't been obvious before. He was a great guy and we had a solid dating relationship by any measure, but his reactions to certain conversations sent up some red flags for me that there were some very real underlying incompatibilities that would have undermined me personally, and undermined a marriage in the long-term.

After the break-up, my dad talked to me during a visit home and basically made it clear that he thought I was making a mistake in breaking up with the guy, was I SURE that this was the right decision, and this guy was so great that he doubted I would find anyone better. I wonder if maybe he thought I was scared of commitment or thinking the grass is always greener? I handled the conversation fine and confidently in the moment, but I was internally really offended that my dad didn't just stay quiet and trust me about my OWN relationship, especially considering that I have generally made very good and mature decisions about my life and my relationships, who to date and who not to, etc. It felt like my own dad didn't know me at all, and/or that HE thought the relationship was so good that he would question MY decision about whether it actually was and would continue to be. I politely told him that I was absolutely sure that I was right about the break-up. And I was. But really, he should have never butted in about it.

I met my DH a couple of years later, none of those red flags came up, and we've been married 20 years so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not wrong to feel bad when your child, no matter the age, is going through something hard that you can't really help with. It sounds like it is a good thing that they recognized fundamental incompatibility before getting married, and that she is handling it as well as can be expected.

Just handle your feelings without involving her. And don't communicate any second-guessing that you may be doing in your own head. I broke up with a long-term, very serious boyfriend in my early 20s because as conversations and decisions got closer to life choices that couldn't be easily revoked (marriage, kids) I realized that we had some fundamental differences that hadn't been obvious before. He was a great guy and we had a solid dating relationship by any measure, but his reactions to certain conversations sent up some red flags for me that there were some very real underlying incompatibilities that would have undermined me personally, and undermined a marriage in the long-term.

After the break-up, my dad talked to me during a visit home and basically made it clear that he thought I was making a mistake in breaking up with the guy, was I SURE that this was the right decision, and this guy was so great that he doubted I would find anyone better. I wonder if maybe he thought I was scared of commitment or thinking the grass is always greener? I handled the conversation fine and confidently in the moment, but I was internally really offended that my dad didn't just stay quiet and trust me about my OWN relationship, especially considering that I have generally made very good and mature decisions about my life and my relationships, who to date and who not to, etc. It felt like my own dad didn't know me at all, and/or that HE thought the relationship was so good that he would question MY decision about whether it actually was and would continue to be. I politely told him that I was absolutely sure that I was right about the break-up. And I was. But really, he should have never butted in about it.

I met my DH a couple of years later, none of those red flags came up, and we've been married 20 years so far.

If friends can give each other advice, why can't parents? As long as no one is trying to push you, what's the harm in shared analysis, no matter what's the matter at hand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird that you, the parent, are sad. I think you're too emotionally invested. She is doing what's right for her. You should be happy.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not wrong to feel bad when your child, no matter the age, is going through something hard that you can't really help with. It sounds like it is a good thing that they recognized fundamental incompatibility before getting married, and that she is handling it as well as can be expected.

Just handle your feelings without involving her. And don't communicate any second-guessing that you may be doing in your own head. I broke up with a long-term, very serious boyfriend in my early 20s because as conversations and decisions got closer to life choices that couldn't be easily revoked (marriage, kids) I realized that we had some fundamental differences that hadn't been obvious before. He was a great guy and we had a solid dating relationship by any measure, but his reactions to certain conversations sent up some red flags for me that there were some very real underlying incompatibilities that would have undermined me personally, and undermined a marriage in the long-term.

After the break-up, my dad talked to me during a visit home and basically made it clear that he thought I was making a mistake in breaking up with the guy, was I SURE that this was the right decision, and this guy was so great that he doubted I would find anyone better. I wonder if maybe he thought I was scared of commitment or thinking the grass is always greener? I handled the conversation fine and confidently in the moment, but I was internally really offended that my dad didn't just stay quiet and trust me about my OWN relationship, especially considering that I have generally made very good and mature decisions about my life and my relationships, who to date and who not to, etc. It felt like my own dad didn't know me at all, and/or that HE thought the relationship was so good that he would question MY decision about whether it actually was and would continue to be. I politely told him that I was absolutely sure that I was right about the break-up. And I was. But really, he should have never butted in about it.

I met my DH a couple of years later, none of those red flags came up, and we've been married 20 years so far.

If friends can give each other advice, why can't parents? As long as no one is trying to push you, what's the harm in shared analysis, no matter what's the matter at hand?

PP. If my dad and I had been regularly discussing my relationships and had that level of communication and context, sure, it would have been fine. He had never stuck his oar in on my relationships before in my life, though. The extent of his input was the occasional "make sure he's treating you well" as a teenager or a hug to console me over a breakup.

It would have had an entirely different feel, and more friend-advice-like, if the discussion had been with my mother, whom I actually DID discuss my relationships with on a pretty regular basis, especially as a teen.

But what actually happened was that when I broke up with someone that my dad thought I would marry and that he approved of, he felt the need to question whether I really knew what I was doing, even though he had never done that with anyone else I dated. My mother--who had a much better sense of how I approached relationships and the lessons I had learned throughout my teens and early 20s--did not. And even if she personally thought I was making a mistake, she kept it to herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She still has time to have a family but needs to act quickly so she isn't in her 30s when trying to conceive

Or wait, so she's in her 30s. It will be fine either way. And it's none of OP's business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's weird that you, the parent, are sad. I think you're too emotionally invested. She is doing what's right for her. You should be happy.

This.

As a parent you can certainly be sad about something and also feel that your child is doing the right thing. Our DD and her longtime boyfriend broke up. We were sad because we really liked him and his family as people and were going to miss them. However, it was absolutely the right decision for our DD in the long run and we were happy she realized that before they got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She still has time to have a family but needs to act quickly so she isn't in her 30s when trying to conceive

Or wait, so she's in her 30s. It will be fine either way. And it's none of OP's business.

Nobody knows if it will be fine or not and OP's child's anguish is of concern to her . She isn't meddling, feeling sad and worried. What's abnormal here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they made a smart and mature decision. It’s ok to feel sad for her, but you should be proud of her for doing the right thing—and difficult—thing. It’s painful now, but life will go on and she may find someone who is a better match for her down the road.

This says it all. The 2 of them weren't right long term. This is way better to figure out NOW than after a wedding and/or kids have happened.

[Anonymous]

May be they were just afraid of commitment as society continuously pushes the idea of having multiple relationships, delaying marriage and getting divorced to explore more relationships.

[Anonymous]

and that's what's creating marriage crisis. There is no emphasis on educating young people to become good partners and becoming able to pick good partners and how to build good lives together. People in 30's and 40's are just bumping around and saying they don't care when they just aren't equipped to do all of this. Whole emphasis is on how to better serve corporations and avoid personal responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She still has time to have a family but needs to act quickly so she isn't in her 30s when trying to conceive

Or wait, so she's in her 30s. It will be fine either way. And it's none of OP's business.

Nobody knows if it will be fine or not and OP's child's anguish is of concern to her . She isn't meddling, feeling sad and worried. What's abnormal here?

Nobody knows whether it will be fine either way. OP is not concerned about her child’s anguish; she is upset about her child’s breakup. That is abnormal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be glad it happened in their 20s and not 30s. Your DD gets more time to find the right partner sooner. I would advise her to start dating for marriage asap (aka if she sees quality that definitely won’t work in a marriage, eg for me that would’ve included no interest in kids , move on immediately), the pool only gets smaller.

This. How could they not have covered this stuff in 6 years! Time to accelerate these conversations and never waste time like this again

Eh, I dated someone from age 19-25 and we never really talked about things like marriage and kids. If we had done so at age 19 it would not hav reflected what I wanted at 25 or 30 anyway.

Noe, you date someone from age 33-39 and don't talk about marriage, that is different as 33 year olds usually know themselves and what they want more.

This! I dated my ex from age 18 and when we got married at 25 I thought I had fully vetted him because we had 7 years of dating under our belts. We had no idea how we would change or what would be important in our 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird that you, the parent, are sad. I think you're too emotionally invested. She is doing what's right for her. You should be happy.

Disagree. I think it's normal (and not "weird") for a parent to feel sad if their DD or DS has a break-up with a person that the parent might have thought was going to be their DIL or SIL one-day. This has happened to me, and to my friends. You can really like your DD or DS's significant other, assuming of course that the significant other is a good person (which has been my experience).

OP -- I would advise your DD not to live with a boyfriend in the future. That typically does not serve the woman in the relationship, for a variety of reasons.

[Anonymous]

Do you feel sad for DD or for yourself? My sister went through a really hard breakup in her early 20s, and it really affected her entire personality/behavior.

And of course there is that separate issue of you probably having gotten to know your DD's boyfriend and now don't really have any closure. But such is life...

[Anonymous]

Why people are so dismissive of feelings of parents and expect them to act like robots?