Is it wrong to feel badly when your twenty something breaks up with a long term partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Understand we were all in our 20s and people break up for a zillion reasons, but they have dated for six years, live together, and she is a wreck over it. Add to that her looking for work and it is getting me down in the dumps. She is spending a lot of time with her girlfriends so not moping, but I feel terrible. Partner was a nice kid, responsible, good career. When they started talking about marriage, it was the beginning of the end. Realized they are not aligned on several important issues.

That's just a convenient excuse, how come several unaligned important issues suddenly popped up as soon as the word marriage was mentioned when they were together for six years and probably discussed everything over the years?

[Anonymous]

So she chose well. Pretty well. She will choose well again. Better.

[Anonymous]

OP, our adult children bring people into our lives who become part of the fabric of our lives. WE care about them. It's a loss when it's gone. It is ordinary for to feel sad emotions at this loss.

[Anonymous]

In most cases its just fear of commitment due society's cues to break several relationships before hastily settling for one in mid to late 30's due to fear of missing out.

[Anonymous]

Several breakups train them to handle divorces easily.

[Anonymous]

Move on and hope for someone better who is done experimenting and feels ready for serious commitment.

[Anonymous]

It’s normal to feel sad if you liked her. She was essentially an extended family member for six years! My 18 yo has dated his GF for slightly over a year. I adore her and will be sad when they break up (I’ll, of course, keep my sadness to myself bc it’s not about me).

[Anonymous]

If your kid's partner is a good person and they love each other and make a good team, it would be abnormal to not feel sad. Its hard to find good people in life and even harder to find trustworthy partners.

[Anonymous]

It’s perfectly normal.
Grandkids are further away now.
And who knows if the next guy will be as good?
It’s hard for mothers of young women unless their head is in the clouds

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be glad it happened in their 20s and not 30s. Your DD gets more time to find the right partner sooner. I would advise her to start dating for marriage asap (aka if she sees quality that definitely won’t work in a marriage, eg for me that would’ve included no interest in kids , move on immediately), the pool only gets smaller.

This. How could they not have covered this stuff in 6 years! Time to accelerate these conversations and never waste time like this again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s got plenty of time to meet someone else, and she’ll be smarter next time.

That's possible but on other side, OP 's sadness is understandable as she may never find such solid relationship again. If everyone was coming out smarter for next time, second and third marriages would've a higher rate of success but its the opposite.

That being said, it is what it is. All you can do is support her.

Yes, but this seems like an easy lesson to learn. Have difficult conversations sooner. It’s not as complicated as a person who’s attracted to the same toxic type over and over. If OP is concerned that DD didn’t learn anything, she can mention it in passing to drive home the point. I’m talking one sentence, one time, sandwiched between supportive statements. “ I’m sorry this happened to you, DD. I know next time you’ll push to get all of the big conversations out of the way before moving in together. Let me know if you need my support in any way.”

[Anonymous]

It wasn't a relationship of few months or a couple of years, six years give you a lot of prompts to know what each of you think about any given topic. "Irreconcilable differences" here is just an excuse to avoid commitment and graze in newer pastures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be glad it happened in their 20s and not 30s. Your DD gets more time to find the right partner sooner. I would advise her to start dating for marriage asap (aka if she sees quality that definitely won’t work in a marriage, eg for me that would’ve included no interest in kids , move on immediately), the pool only gets smaller.

This. How could they not have covered this stuff in 6 years! Time to accelerate these conversations and never waste time like this again

Eh, I dated someone from age 19-25 and we never really talked about things like marriage and kids. If we had done so at age 19 it would not hav reflected what I wanted at 25 or 30 anyway.

Noe, you date someone from age 33-39 and don't talk about marriage, that is different as 33 year olds usually know themselves and what they want more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s got plenty of time to meet someone else, and she’ll be smarter next time.

That's possible but on other side, OP 's sadness is understandable as she may never find such solid relationship again. If everyone was coming out smarter for next time, second and third marriages would've a higher rate of success but its the opposite.

That being said, it is what it is. All you can do is support her.

There is a difference between getting married and then divorced and dating someone long-term and not getting married. People who have multiple marriages fail are not learning from each one and at some point are more likely to jump into marriage (obviously this doesn't apply to everyone but someone on a third marriage is statistically more likely to get divorced than someone on a first marriage).

The daughter dated and didn't marry someone that she was incompatible with. She can certainly learn from that without being more likely to get divorced.

[Anonymous]

One or two years are understandable but wasting six year of your 20's on a dead end relationship is anything but a sign of intelligence or maturity.