How to help my sister with her house ?

[Anonymous]

I did this for my sibling. Came over and picked up trash, swept, did all the dishes and wiped down whatever I could, did whatever laundry was needed and threw out old food/restocked with new. They would start objecting and I said, "You deserve a clean house/fresh food/clean clothes and I know you would do it for me." I didn't throw anything but trash and spoiled food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and whoever is going to help go over (ideally including someone to watch the children. You tell her privately that the state of the house could lose her the children. You also tell her that she and the children deserve to live in a clean environment. You tell her that she can help, she can go somewhere else, or she can go into a room and close the door. You tell her you love her. You say it all without judgment. And then you just do it.

You also need to do everything in your power to get her into therapy. I can’t imagine the pain she’s feeling in that situation.

Do not threaten her with losing the kids. When you are over, help clean up.

It's not a threat, it's a wake up call that she needs to hear. Divorces with APs often turn nasty, and she cannot have the house like that. Sister has to accept help with the house and she has to get therapy. She has been dealt the worst of hands, but fortunately has a supportive family to help her. If she is resisting all entreaties she needs to hear how dire the situation is.

CPS will not care about a messy house. Grow up. You do not threaten someone. That's a horirble thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to call child protective services.

How about calling the police to throw husband in jail for abandoning his family and responsibilities?
that sounds more fair

Eh, I am joking but calling CPS would be worse for the husband than going to jail. If CPS determines the mom has a mental breakdown snd cannot care of the kids, kids would be given to the dad. With caring for a 7, 3 and 1 yr old you would see how lightning fast his affair would end. His AP would leave him in a nanosecond. OP’s sister should take time off to get bettet snd leave the kids to the soon to be ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to call child protective services.

How about calling the police to throw husband in jail for abandoning his family and responsibilities?
that sounds more fair

Eh, I am joking but calling CPS would be worse for the husband than going to jail. If CPS determines the mom has a mental breakdown snd cannot care of the kids, kids would be given to the dad. With caring for a 7, 3 and 1 yr old you would see how lightning fast his affair would end. His AP would leave him in a nanosecond. OP’s sister should take time off to get bettet snd leave the kids to the soon to be ex.

This would be traumatic for the kids.

[Anonymous]

I would go do a quick clean up and then set up a cleaner for her for a few months. If need be i would pop in the day before a cleaner was there to get the worst of it quickly out of sight. She needs a bit of time to trust she can get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PPs. Just do it. If you ask she will say no but it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t need or want help. Also maybe start bringing grocery staples over, similar to “grief groceries.” She is grieving the loss of her marriage and old life.

+1

Think about how she’d be treated if her husband had died. She needs that kind of loving care and compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and whoever is going to help go over (ideally including someone to watch the children. You tell her privately that the state of the house could lose her the children. You also tell her that she and the children deserve to live in a clean environment. You tell her that she can help, she can go somewhere else, or she can go into a room and close the door. You tell her you love her. You say it all without judgment. And then you just do it.

You also need to do everything in your power to get her into therapy. I can’t imagine the pain she’s feeling in that situation.

Do not threaten her with losing the kids. When you are over, help clean up.

It's not a threat, it's a wake up call that she needs to hear. Divorces with APs often turn nasty, and she cannot have the house like that. Sister has to accept help with the house and she has to get therapy. She has been dealt the worst of hands, but fortunately has a supportive family to help her. If she is resisting all entreaties she needs to hear how dire the situation is.

CPS will not care about a messy house. Grow up. You do not threaten someone. That's a horirble thing to do.

I am not one of the PPs who suggested CPS, I absolutely wouldn’t do that. If you have not seen how men weaponize custody, then I am happy for you and all of your loved ones. Dirty diapers strewn on the floor and rotting food would not go over well with any of the many possible evaluators in this situation. And CPS is very sympathetic to dads generally.

There is a big difference between making a threat and telling someone they are in danger and you are going to help them.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't mention CPS because it could sound like a threat even if you don't mean it that way. I agree with going over and cleaning for her. It's not rude and invasive to throw away dirty diapers and wash dishes. If you were reorganizing her lingerie or decluttering her toolshed you'd need more buy in but this is your sister. Unless there's backstory on your relationship you haven't shared you can just show up and tell her you love her and load the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

I’m another who thinks you just show up and do. She’s depressed and everything is too much for her. Can you and your mom divide and conquer?

And the person who said call CPS, you need a swift kick in the tush

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. Just keep showing up for her and bringing food. For the cleaning, take care of the things that seem obvious- trash, dishes, laundry. And don’t do anything that seems threatening or overstepping- going through papers or Giving stuff away. Bring easy meals for the freezer. Bring paper plates and napkins. Put the laundry in baskets or take some to drop off laundry. It’s hard for you too…you are doing a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. Just keep showing up for her and bringing food. For the cleaning, take care of the things that seem obvious- trash, dishes, laundry. And don’t do anything that seems threatening or overstepping- going through papers or Giving stuff away. Bring easy meals for the freezer. Bring paper plates and napkins. Put the laundry in baskets or take some to drop off laundry. It’s hard for you too…you are doing a good thing.

This exactly. I posted before about getting her permission before cleaning other than basic things. The above post has the right balance of helping without imposing your will. It's more empowering. A home starts to feel less overwhelming with the dishes washed and laundry taken care of. Of course she can throw out dirty diapers mentioned earlier in thread. It's OK to do a quick wash of counters when she is busy. I would vacuum a little too once she sees how nice it is to have things a wee bit tidier., but make sure she gets input into when since the baby could be napping or sensitive to the noise (I think I read there's a baby in the mix). You can then gently offer to hire someone for a more deep clean or gently offer other things, but it is important for her to feel she has the power to say "no" even to something that is meant to be helpful.

Also, this will sound crazy, but see if she will get outside with you for walks, visits to the playground with the kids. Sunshine and exercise help. Open blinds at home if she allows it and open windows. Fresh ait in a home helps mood and letting the sunshine in. Often when depressed people close the blinds and hide.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, you can throw out dirty diapers not expect your sister is what I meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is do, not ask. Show up with your rubber gloves and get to work. If you ask she will say no, but she sounds so overwhelmed it is hard to know where to start so she just doesn’t

This 100%
And try to get her to talk to a therapist online.

[Anonymous]

Give her time. Ask her how you can help. Stop judging. She’s just had a horrible tragedy occur - not only to her, but to her kids. She needs to spend time comforting them, not cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her time. Ask her how you can help. Stop judging. She’s just had a horrible tragedy occur - not only to her, but to her kids. She needs to spend time comforting them, not cleaning.

You need to re-read the post. OP is not judging, she wants to help. It's actually refreshing as so much of this forum is judgy and hate filled, but that is not what is happening here. OP is wonderful sister.