How to help my sister with her house ?

[Anonymous]

MY sister is going through a separation with her husband and likely a divorce soon . She has 3 kids with him . Allbboys oldest is 7 middle is 3 youngest is 1 . He blindsided her with an affair that was discovered. He since left her to be with his ap . She has been struggling with depression since I have offered to take her somewhere and our mom will watch the boys she refuses. I offered to watch the boys for a while to give her a break and she doesn't want to do that . We try to stay in contact with her but she just wants to avoid everyone which I do get . I took food over there last night and her house has fallen into a state of dissary. There's dirty diapers and pull-ups on the floor everywhere . She has dishes filled up in the sink clothes in piles by the bed on the floor . She used to be a neat freak. I worry if she has an home inspection what will happen. I'm willing to help her clean it up but not sure how to offer my help without making her mad or upsetting her any ideas . I really just want to help her and my nephews.

[Anonymous]

Oh dear I ‘m so sorry. The sudden change from neat freak to diaperland spells serious depression. Your whole family needs to plan an intervention. She needs serious help asap.

[Anonymous]

Do you suspect there are deep-seated mental health issues other than a temporary crisis brought on by the separation? If there are, she will need more than just cleaning help. She will need therapy, and to see a psychiatrist for medication. You might need to stage an intervention.

[Anonymous]

Op here she has always been a happy go lucky person . I'm thinking she's battling depression . The kids are dressed neat and clean and she is when you see her out and about . It's just the house has went to crap literally. I have a hard time wrapping my head around this cause growing up she has always been the neat clean freak of the family. I suspect she's suffering from short term depression. I wish she would get out of the house for fun other than work . I would like to help her clean but I don't want to insult her .

[Anonymous]

OP, could you just do it? Like go visit while she's doing stuff, hanging with the kids, whatever, and spend a couple hours cleaning up and doing dishes? Maybe if you didn't have to ask, she wouldn't have to accept, but would appreciate it. Depends on your relationship though.

[Anonymous]

I’d start going over more often and helping her clean up. Go frequently for short visits so you don’t overwhelm her and she becomes comfortable just being around people. She’s probably really embarrassed and also lacking motivation. Be gentle and non-judgmental. Don’t throw anything away other than obvious garbage, wash the dishes, vacuum, just the basics. Just a little each time, act like oh I love cleaning! Even if you hate it. If she’s not receptive that day then try taking the kids. Maybe go “puck out something nice for mama” aka a new dress or new body wash. Then take her for a nice spa day or hair cut. Ask her if she has clean clothes, you need to think basic living skills. Do her laundry while she showers if you have to. And get her outside in the sun. Once you get the basics covered then you can approach other stuff but if she’s really struggling something as simple as showering feels huge.

[Anonymous]

Assuming she will let you in the house, I would just grab a garbage bag and throw the garbage away and load the dishwasher. I wouldn’t ask. I would just do it while chit chatting as if I wasn’t even doing anything. If possible, I would engage and the 7 and 3 year old in a clean up game where they raced to do something (like putting toys away or putting dirty laundry in the hamper).

[Anonymous]

Why would she have a home inspection? That's such a random thing. Just go over and throw out all the trash and load and run the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming she will let you in the house, I would just grab a garbage bag and throw the garbage away and load the dishwasher. I wouldn’t ask. I would just do it while chit chatting as if I wasn’t even doing anything. If possible, I would engage and the 7 and 3 year old in a clean up game where they raced to do something (like putting toys away or putting dirty laundry in the hamper).

+1

[Anonymous]

Could you stay with her every now and then and help her? I mean physically (the house, the boys) and mentally (you are her friend thru this phase, she is not going thru it alone).
She is depressed but also in a deep state of processing. She needs to go thru this phase. If she doesn't, she's in denial and repressing - not good.

I know someone who went thru something similar. In the end, he came home and they stayed married. They are my parents age.
When I think about them I think about how hard the outcome would have been either way. They get along fabulously and are deeply devoted to each other but I am sure the scars are deep.

The beginning of the end the most painful period.

[Anonymous]

Just start cleaning up and offer a housecleaning

[Anonymous]

Just go over as often as you can. Do her laundry, do her dishes, vacuum, bring her food, make meals for the kids, bring some fruit and chicken nuggets, hang out with the kids and play games with them, anything. Don’t ask, don’t comment, announce you’re sleeping over and then help with putting the kids to bed and morning routine. Just be there. I can’t imagine solo handling 3 with two of them 3 and under!!

[Anonymous]

Oh and most important — don’t get offended if she tries to kick you out. Just tell her you love her and the kids and want to be around. And you’ll be back tomorrow if she tries. Don’t take anything cruel she says personally during this time.

[Anonymous]

This is do, not ask. Show up with your rubber gloves and get to work. If you ask she will say no, but she sounds so overwhelmed it is hard to know where to start so she just doesn’t

[Anonymous]

I think you just have to do it. If she feels insulted, just tell her you are in a crisis, this isn't you, no judgment, we just need to get the place cleaned.