DH can’t function

[Anonymous]

I highly recommend the book Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD, if you don't have it already -

https://bookshop.org/p/books/organizing-solutions-for-people-with-adhd-3rd-edition-tips-and-tools-to-help-you-take-charge-of-your-life-and-get-organized-susan-pinsky/18626664

Frustrating, of course, that the burden is on you to figure out systems that work - but, as a woman with ADHD, I have found many of these home organizing and planning tips to be life changing as long as I set up the systems and really stick to them.

[Anonymous]

^I'm the poster above and have one more comment - having and maintaining a "Time Realities" document where you literally time certain tasks (e.g. commutes, parts of the morning routine) and write out the times is very helpful. It forces better planning and awareness. I was shocked when I timed my morning routine and realized it was about twice the time I'd thought it was and I wake up earlier now.

[Anonymous]

My adhd spouse bought 3-4 adhd books. Check!

Then never read a single one. Check!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do men seem so nonfunctional?

I am a successful man who has severe ADHD. It isn't nonfunctional, it is a different way of functioning. It is also functioning in a way you may not agree with or understand. And as much as woman feel it bothers them, mentally/emotionally it is a thousand times worse for us. Mostly because we know how you feel about it and that we are frustrating you, and the stress of stressing you out exacerbates the the symptoms/things that drive you crazy.

The best way to describe how every minute of the day feels is that I feel like I am watching 300 movies at one time, have no idea which one I should be focusing on but feel like I am expected to know the details of every movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do men seem so nonfunctional?

I am a successful man who has severe ADHD. It isn't nonfunctional, it is a different way of functioning. It is also functioning in a way you may not agree with or understand. And as much as woman feel it bothers them, mentally/emotionally it is a thousand times worse for us. Mostly because we know how you feel about it and that we are frustrating you, and the stress of stressing you out exacerbates the the symptoms/things that drive you crazy.

The best way to describe how every minute of the day feels is that I feel like I am watching 300 movies at one time, have no idea which one I should be focusing on but feel like I am expected to know the details of every movie.

How are you successful…and why don’t you channel how you are able to succeed professionally to your home life?

I honestly don’t get how all these men with problems are able to succeed in a job but then somehow rationalize how they are complete f**k ups at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do men seem so nonfunctional?

I am a successful man who has severe ADHD. It isn't nonfunctional, it is a different way of functioning. It is also functioning in a way you may not agree with or understand. And as much as woman feel it bothers them, mentally/emotionally it is a thousand times worse for us. Mostly because we know how you feel about it and that we are frustrating you, and the stress of stressing you out exacerbates the the symptoms/things that drive you crazy.

The best way to describe how every minute of the day feels is that I feel like I am watching 300 movies at one time, have no idea which one I should be focusing on but feel like I am expected to know the details of every movie.

What's frustrating though is that we can have ADHD too and no one cares. I am a woman with severe ADHD married to a man with ADHD and no one has ever suggested that my husband take on any extra executive function work to help me. My husband gets sympathy and advice for how to ask for support from me and encouragement to practice self-care; I get strategies and suggestions about how to organize both of our lives for us, often with a guilt trip about how I'm not being accommodating if I push back (like the couples therapist who suggested that it become my job to remind him to take his medication when he's been taking daily meds of one kind or another since first grade, and then told me I wasn't being supportive when I said I wasn't willing to accept that responsibility, or the person who thought it was reasonable for him to expect me to be available to answer the phone any time he has a kid at the doctor or pharmacy because he can't remember their birthdays and it's too embarrassing to carry a card with them written down because it means you can't play it off as a brain fart).

I'm not blaming you for this because I realize it's not your fault that things are this way, but the reason women get tired of hearing "but ADHD" is that neurodivergence in men is seen as an excuse for not meeting society's standards in a way that it absolutely isn't for women. We have to watch all those movies too and then create the cliffs notes for the men who somehow manage to meet deadlines and not miss meetings between 9-5 but at 6pm can't figure out that the email from the school called "important: new pickup procedure" is more important than catching up on r/politics.

It is hard and frustrating for everyone though and I don't mean to minimize that. You guys are socialized to expect this kind of support and it's a hard battle to fight. If you find that you can't keep on top of your daily life tasks, I would recommend talking to a psychiatrist about medication and/or looking into therapy/executive function coaching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do men seem so nonfunctional?

I am a successful man who has severe ADHD. It isn't nonfunctional, it is a different way of functioning. It is also functioning in a way you may not agree with or understand. And as much as woman feel it bothers them, mentally/emotionally it is a thousand times worse for us. Mostly because we know how you feel about it and that we are frustrating you, and the stress of stressing you out exacerbates the the symptoms/things that drive you crazy.

The best way to describe how every minute of the day feels is that I feel like I am watching 300 movies at one time, have no idea which one I should be focusing on but feel like I am expected to know the details of every movie.

Exactly. Live by yourself, work from home only, hire a maid or don’t buy much of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do men seem so nonfunctional?

I am a successful man who has severe ADHD. It isn't nonfunctional, it is a different way of functioning. It is also functioning in a way you may not agree with or understand. And as much as woman feel it bothers them, mentally/emotionally it is a thousand times worse for us. Mostly because we know how you feel about it and that we are frustrating you, and the stress of stressing you out exacerbates the the symptoms/things that drive you crazy.

The best way to describe how every minute of the day feels is that I feel like I am watching 300 movies at one time, have no idea which one I should be focusing on but feel like I am expected to know the details of every movie.

How are you successful…and why don’t you channel how you are able to succeed professionally to your home life?

I honestly don’t get how all these men with problems are able to succeed in a job but then somehow rationalize how they are complete f**k ups at home.

I’m not that poster, but I’m successful at work because I work in an Emergency Room. A lot of people with ADD are really successful in sales.

I’m not great with making plans, but I’m your girl if you need help with something at the last minute!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all need to cut each other some slack. Modern day life/school/expectations have gotten out of control, especially with the huge usage of text with constant changes/updates from teachers/work/sports, etc.
I have 4 kids and we've had to institute no tech mornings, to make sure we all get out the door on time.

Yes, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do men seem so nonfunctional?

I am a successful man who has severe ADHD. It isn't nonfunctional, it is a different way of functioning. It is also functioning in a way you may not agree with or understand. And as much as woman feel it bothers them, mentally/emotionally it is a thousand times worse for us. Mostly because we know how you feel about it and that we are frustrating you, and the stress of stressing you out exacerbates the the symptoms/things that drive you crazy.

The best way to describe how every minute of the day feels is that I feel like I am watching 300 movies at one time, have no idea which one I should be focusing on but feel like I am expected to know the details of every movie.

What's frustrating though is that we can have ADHD too and no one cares. I am a woman with severe ADHD married to a man with ADHD and no one has ever suggested that my husband take on any extra executive function work to help me. My husband gets sympathy and advice for how to ask for support from me and encouragement to practice self-care; I get strategies and suggestions about how to organize both of our lives for us, often with a guilt trip about how I'm not being accommodating if I push back (like the couples therapist who suggested that it become my job to remind him to take his medication when he's been taking daily meds of one kind or another since first grade, and then told me I wasn't being supportive when I said I wasn't willing to accept that responsibility, or the person who thought it was reasonable for him to expect me to be available to answer the phone any time he has a kid at the doctor or pharmacy because he can't remember their birthdays and it's too embarrassing to carry a card with them written down because it means you can't play it off as a brain fart).

I'm not blaming you for this because I realize it's not your fault that things are this way, but the reason women get tired of hearing "but ADHD" is that neurodivergence in men is seen as an excuse for not meeting society's standards in a way that it absolutely isn't for women. We have to watch all those movies too and then create the cliffs notes for the men who somehow manage to meet deadlines and not miss meetings between 9-5 but at 6pm can't figure out that the email from the school called "important: new pickup procedure" is more important than catching up on r/politics.

It is hard and frustrating for everyone though and I don't mean to minimize that. You guys are socialized to expect this kind of support and it's a hard battle to fight. If you find that you can't keep on top of your daily life tasks, I would recommend talking to a psychiatrist about medication and/or looking into therapy/executive function coaching.

That’s not true.

I’m a woman with ADHD and my ex was not all sympathetic to my diagnosis and was unwilling to work with me to find better strategies that weren’t “try harder” or whatever works for him.

[Anonymous]

I’m 66years old and married have been married for a long time. Trust me he is doing it on purpose so you will take over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all need to cut each other some slack. Modern day life/school/expectations have gotten out of control, especially with the huge usage of text with constant changes/updates from teachers/work/sports, etc.
I have 4 kids and we've had to institute no tech mornings, to make sure we all get out the door on time.

Marry me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do men seem so nonfunctional?

I am a successful man who has severe ADHD. It isn't nonfunctional, it is a different way of functioning. It is also functioning in a way you may not agree with or understand. And as much as woman feel it bothers them, mentally/emotionally it is a thousand times worse for us. Mostly because we know how you feel about it and that we are frustrating you, and the stress of stressing you out exacerbates the the symptoms/things that drive you crazy.

The best way to describe how every minute of the day feels is that I feel like I am watching 300 movies at one time, have no idea which one I should be focusing on but feel like I am expected to know the details of every movie.

What's frustrating though is that we can have ADHD too and no one cares. I am a woman with severe ADHD married to a man with ADHD and no one has ever suggested that my husband take on any extra executive function work to help me. My husband gets sympathy and advice for how to ask for support from me and encouragement to practice self-care; I get strategies and suggestions about how to organize both of our lives for us, often with a guilt trip about how I'm not being accommodating if I push back (like the couples therapist who suggested that it become my job to remind him to take his medication when he's been taking daily meds of one kind or another since first grade, and then told me I wasn't being supportive when I said I wasn't willing to accept that responsibility, or the person who thought it was reasonable for him to expect me to be available to answer the phone any time he has a kid at the doctor or pharmacy because he can't remember their birthdays and it's too embarrassing to carry a card with them written down because it means you can't play it off as a brain fart).

I'm not blaming you for this because I realize it's not your fault that things are this way, but the reason women get tired of hearing "but ADHD" is that neurodivergence in men is seen as an excuse for not meeting society's standards in a way that it absolutely isn't for women. We have to watch all those movies too and then create the cliffs notes for the men who somehow manage to meet deadlines and not miss meetings between 9-5 but at 6pm can't figure out that the email from the school called "important: new pickup procedure" is more important than catching up on r/politics.

It is hard and frustrating for everyone though and I don't mean to minimize that. You guys are socialized to expect this kind of support and it's a hard battle to fight. If you find that you can't keep on top of your daily life tasks, I would recommend talking to a psychiatrist about medication and/or looking into therapy/executive function coaching.

That’s not true.

I’m a woman with ADHD and my ex was not all sympathetic to my diagnosis and was unwilling to work with me to find better strategies that weren’t “try harder” or whatever works for him.

I am confused -- what part of what you quoted do you think is not true? The rest of what you're saying seems to agree with it.

[Anonymous]

Undiagnosed ADHD that can't cope with the addition of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 66years old and married have been married for a long time. Trust me he is doing it on purpose so you will take over

Op here—this is not going to fly with me. I do give him clear instructions every day. He has set tasks at home he needs to accomplish daily. I do have to remind him sometimes.