Brother and SIL - What to do

[Anonymous]

Tell him it was problematic for you and your kids how flaky they were about plans last time, and insist on solid plans in advance. Then don't hold your breath.

Oh, and stop blaming SIL.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is to blame here, not SIL. Why didn’t you say something about last time? Extremely rude of him.

I’d say “sure” to any plans but keep expectations low.

That said, any idea why SIL doesn’t seem to like you? Any hope of improving the relationship? Just asking because I don’t like my SIL either. She talked about me behind my back early in the marriage- said some really mean things that got back to me. I definitely haven’t ever kept DH and the kids (now teens) from seeing her but I avoid her myself whenever possible. In the vacation scenario I’d have skipped at least one of the family meals but encouraged DH and kids to go. That being said, they see each other less than they would if SIL and I got along. Are you certain you have not done something to upset SIL? Have you ever gently asked? Maybe something was misunderstood at some point along the way? NOT saying you have done anything wrong, just throwing it out there.

[Anonymous]

Ugh OP - I'm sorry. I'd have one big heart to heart with your brother where you lay out how hurtful and annoying it was how they handled this last time. See how he responds. Maybe give one more chance - but don't feel like you have to.

It feels like it'll be doubly awful if he's in the same beach town as you at the same time and he doesn't make plans to see you. I'm really sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say it won't work out. Have him enjoy his own beach vacation and you enjoy yours.

This

[Anonymous]

Tell your brother how disappointing it was that he cancelled or forgot about you for every plan last summer. See how he reacts,
If he doesn’t care or if he gaslights you, then you have your answer. Leave it.
If he seems genuinely sorry, then I’d agree to an arrangement eg one outing or dinner but let him know you’re expecting he will follow through.

If he doesn’t then grieve the loss of this relationship.
I have 3 sibs and we’re not close. We see each other once or twice a year, for a dinner. They’re not who I’d call if I’m planning something fun or if I’m in trouble. I have friends for those things.
When my parents pass, I’m pretty sure we won’t see each other anymore.

I tried for the longest time to build some closeness but no one was invested. So I’ve given up too.

Family are the people who care about you, they’re not always the same people who share your genes and that’s ok.

[Anonymous]

Your brother isn’t your only family. You have children and presumably a partner.

[Anonymous]

No. This is what OP said:

“My brother is my only family. He and I who are close in age used to be very close until he got married and moved.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him it was problematic for you and your kids how flaky they were about plans last time, and insist on solid plans in advance. Then don't hold your breath.

Oh, and stop blaming SIL.

np Why can't they both be wrong?

Op,
I want to sympathize with you. My SIL and her DC came to visit to see us but, then rejected every suggestion we had to hang out. It hurt my DC because they are close with the cousins but, there was nothing we could do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother isn’t your only family. You have children and presumably a partner.

Dp "only family of origin"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks everyone. We live in different states and we stopped visiting years ago after they uninvited us for a holiday because SIL had too much going on at work.
In the past, I addressed SIL's comments toward me and my brother has said that she can come across harsh and doesn't always realize it. He doesn't take feedback well and always has to be right so it is kind of a waste of time.
I haven't addressed last summer with my brother and have had less contact with him because I am just angry.
It sucks that I have no other family and this is all I have.

You need therapy to deal with these legitimate emotions, OP. And you need to build your family with chosen friends, not blood relatives. This is what my husband and I did. We do like some of our relatives, but we're expats, so it was necessary for us to create our "friends" family.

[Anonymous]

Set no expectations. You can try to make plans in advance, maybe time at the beach would be easier dinners etc are always tough or invite them over for a bbq. But don’t count on anything and you won’t be disappointed. I have a sister just like this. It hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh OP - I'm sorry. I'd have one big heart to heart with your brother where you lay out how hurtful and annoying it was how they handled this last time. See how he responds. Maybe give one more chance - but don't feel like you have to.

It feels like it'll be doubly awful if he's in the same beach town as you at the same time and he doesn't make plans to see you. I'm really sorry.

I think this then as for morning walks and coffee with your brother.

[Anonymous]

This is what OP said. The capital letters is what she meant:

“My brother is my only family. He and I who are close in age used to be very close until he got married TO HER and moved WITH HER and AWAY FROM ME.”

[Anonymous]

It’s also important to note that sometimes you don’t get the real reason. Everyone lies a little.

[Anonymous]

Let him do the reaching out, reservations, planning--all of it