My H (we are separated) is endangering our daughter

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You don't demand he stay at the house. You offer to drive her.[/quote]

This is it. You may have a valid concern, you may have anxiety - doesn’t really matter. If you don’t like how she is getting from point A to point B - whether that is with dad or another adult you think may be not safe, or on a school bus with a team, or with a friend who is a new driver - you drive.

This will come up more & more as she gets older & has her own life. Get used to it now - you cannot dictate what the driver offering her a ride will do. They may drive when they are tired, or drunk, or whatever. If you have a concern, just tell her, “ im happy for you to go, but taking you there.” The end - you don’t need to share with her that Dad is overtired, or her friend’s mom is a drink or whatever.

Get comfortable making these decisions without ex or DD. If you feel strongly that something is not safe, you drive until DC is able to. [/quote]

This.

Please do DBT or CBT to learn to manage anxiety. Do not dump it on DD. Have generational boundaries, she is not your confidant. Change yourself, the one you can control, before soon to be ex goes back to family court.

Why do you live so far apart? Can you move closer?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You don't demand he stay at the house. You offer to drive her.[/quote]

This is it. You may have a valid concern, you may have anxiety - doesn’t really matter. If you don’t like how she is getting from point A to point B - whether that is with dad or another adult you think may be not safe, or on a school bus with a team, or with a friend who is a new driver - you drive.

This will come up more & more as she gets older & has her own life. Get used to it now - you cannot dictate what the driver offering her a ride will do. They may drive when they are tired, or drunk, or whatever. If you have a concern, just tell her, “ im happy for you to go, but taking you there.” The end - you don’t need to share with her that Dad is overtired, or her friend’s mom is a drink or whatever.

Get comfortable making these decisions without ex or DD. If you feel strongly that something is not safe, you drive until DC is able to. [/quote]

This.

Please do DBT or CBT to learn to manage anxiety. Do not dump it on DD. Have generational boundaries, she is not your confidant. Change yourself, the one you can control, before soon to be ex goes back to family court.

Why do you live so far apart? Can you move closer?


[/quote]

OP doesn't have the right to refuse to let him drive his own child. Many people who have limited time with their kids appreciate driving as a time to talk and connect. It's possible that if he's compassionate, or also concerned, or the drive is inconvenient, that if she offers he'll say yes, but "you just drive" isn't a solution. Especially in this situation where the kid is coming from school, so it's not like mom can leave 4 hours early, and still get the kid to Dad at the time visitation begins.

Plus mom has shown she's willing to harm the kid to get her way. What are the odds that she spends those hours telling the kid how dad "endangered" her? Or that she arrives at Dad's place and tells Dad in front of kid that she's now tired and is unsafe to drive home, and demands that Dad let her sleep there?

[Anonymous]

Some of us don't sleep well or have stress / responsibility that mean we don't get full nights of restful sleep. but we still have to live our lives and function and go to work.

If any parent who wasn't well rested was considered to be endangering their child by driving them around, half the city would be in trouble.

I used to work shift work and sometimes a 4 hours of solid sleep was a pretty good sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he acting off because he's tired? I don't understand why your daughter is afraid unless you've put it in her head that he's endangering her.

This must be true.

You are right though (and he is teaching your daughter to drive when fatigued, an under appreciated risk6. I think you need to factor the distance and driving into your custody agreement, in a way that is formalized .

[Anonymous]

Behaviorally, drowsy driving is very similar to drunk driving.

Society just has not stigmatized it yet.

https://www.sleepfoundation.org/drowsy-driving

[Anonymous]

I function very well on 4 to 6 hours of sleep. If I get 8 hours of sleep I am exhausted. Op, you have anxiety ans need to get that under control.

Is that why you are divorcing? Your daughter shoukd not be afraid of her sad as your daughter gets older she will also want freedom and will resent yiu acting this way towards her.

If you were that worried you could have met him half way or taken your kid all the way there.

[Anonymous]

OP this is a legitimate concern. Don't let DCUM weaponize therapy speak. Tell him he can pick her up in the morning and if he shows up on 4 hours of sleep expecting to drive away with her you will call the police. Offer an extra day some time to make up the difference

When I was an EMT I responded to a scene where a designated driver fell asleep at the wheel. The car hit a guard rail and flew off an embankment. Everybody in the car who wasn't wearing a seatbelt was ejected. One man had a seatbelt on, unbuckled his seat belt, crawled through the busted open window and passed out on the side of rt 87. It was middle of winter in upstate NY. All of them almost died of the hypothermia alone but a state patrol cop happened to see the man who passed out on the side of the road

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I function very well on 4 to 6 hours of sleep. If I get 8 hours of sleep I am exhausted. Op, you have anxiety ans need to get that under control.

Is that why you are divorcing? Your daughter shoukd not be afraid of her sad as your daughter gets older she will also want freedom and will resent yiu acting this way towards her.

If you were that worried you could have met him half way or taken your kid all the way there.

Good for you. He fell asleep at the wheel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you live 4 hours apart? Who moved away? If it was you, then you need to find another solution if you don't want the father driving tired. Can you relocate to be closer to where he is living so no one is in this position?

If he was the one who moved so far away, you have a right to be more annoyed about this, but you still want to try to find a workable solution. Him sleeping at your house long term is not a solution.

Hire an uber driver. How about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you've handled this very poorly.

First, you've obviously you've involved your daughter to the point of making her scared of him. If you don't want to support his claims of you being a bully, don't do this.

Second, there seems to be a way this could work (you could meet him halfway) and instead of suggesting it, when he shut down your idea to sleep over (which can't say I blame him), you decided that she then couldn't go .

Third, so he never actually had an accident or drove dangerously? He just fell asleep in the car after they had arrived and the car was off?

I'm not saying you're wrong to be concerned, but I also see where he is coming from.

If a cop finds you passed out drunk in your car you will get a DUI. If he is falling asleep that easily he is not safe to drive.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP is displeased her ex has found a new woman, and is trying to foment drama and make the new woman feel jealous. You’re trying to force your ex to text something like “I’m sleeping at my ex’s tonight” to his new love- not cool.