My H (we are separated) is endangering our daughter

[Anonymous]

You need to change the way you think about "child endangerment" in the context of co-parenting.

It's not "this is a poor choice that I wouldn't make and is objectively not ideal and you shouldn't do it. Someone could maybe get hurt if things went wrong."

It's "if I were dead/completely out of the picture, and he did this thing, he could go to jail (yes, child endangerment is a crime) or CPS should take this child away and put them in foster care."

No one is getting a CPS call for driving with a child in the car when they are tired. Or every working parent of child under 6 months old would be on CPS's radar. That's not how it works.

I know it sucks, but you need to accept that your judgement is not relevant when it comes to how your husband parents on his time. He gets to make those choices (again, unless they cross the actual line into child endangerment, see above). Butt. Out. You cannot keep him from his child because he's making decisions you would not make.

Also - this "DD is afraid and does not want to stand up to him, even though she agreed this morning that it would be smart for both of them to sleep in my house" tells me that you're NOT handling this well with your daughter. You should NEVER have mentioned your fear to her. You are pushing grown-up fears on a CHILD and it is NOT in their best interest. While I tend to agree with you that driving that long that tired with a child is a bad idea, what you're doing in oversharing with your daughter, telling her you don't trust her father's judgment, and creating a feeling that the adults in her life don't keep her safe is WORSE. Way worse.

Shape up. You might want to consider some co-parenting sessions with a trained therapist to get better at working with your husband without overstepping and without involving your daughter.

[Anonymous]

You are endangering your child's well-being. Leave your child out of it all. It's your feelings taking over. It's not about him being tired.

[Anonymous]

I would 100% be against this too, OP. Driving while sleep deprived is crazy dangerous and has been shown to be the equivalent to driving under the influence.

Personally I would offer to drive DD myself. However, my xH is also a jerk who would refuse, so honestly if he did refuse I would very nicely say "no problem. I'm going to get in my car and drive behind you for the trip just in case anything happens".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would 100% be against this too, OP. Driving while sleep deprived is crazy dangerous and has been shown to be the equivalent to driving under the influence.

Personally I would offer to drive DD myself. However, my xH is also a jerk who would refuse, so honestly if he did refuse I would very nicely say "no problem. I'm going to get in my car and drive behind you for the trip just in case anything happens".

Well the last line just makes you sound like an insane stalker.

[Anonymous]

He is doing something that might conceivably be slightly dangerous. OP is actively harming the child by dragging her into this. If I were him I would document this emotional abuse carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is doing something that might conceivably be slightly dangerous. OP is actively harming the child by dragging her into this. If I were him I would document this emotional abuse carefully.

That's what I find so interesting. OP is obviously incredibly toxic and will damage her kid. That's far more dangerous than dad driving tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is doing something that might conceivably be slightly dangerous. OP is actively harming the child by dragging her into this. If I were him I would document this emotional abuse carefully.

Driving a child while extremely tired is far more dangerous.

[Anonymous]

I get that you are anxious and it isn’t ideal, OP. But YOU need to be way more careful. There is a cottage industry around FC te alienation claims. You don’t want him to go for full custody and be ordered to pay child support yourself.

In context of divorce. CPS is loathe to get involved. My ex left 4 yr old alone repeatedly, a neighbor called. CPS was concerned until they heard the word divorce.

This is why many on this board say divorce is not necessarily a great solution when there are safety issues. DC needs to learn to self soothe and you need to stop putting custody at risk with your reactivity. It could really go sideways, I’ve seen it happen.

[Anonymous]

Why do you live 4 hours apart? Who moved away? If it was you, then you need to find another solution if you don't want the father driving tired. Can you relocate to be closer to where he is living so no one is in this position?

If he was the one who moved so far away, you have a right to be more annoyed about this, but you still want to try to find a workable solution. Him sleeping at your house long term is not a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is doing something that might conceivably be slightly dangerous. OP is actively harming the child by dragging her into this. If I were him I would document this emotional abuse carefully.

Driving a child while extremely tired is far more dangerous.

Yes but he got 4 hours of sleep last night not zero, and isn’t reporting being “extremely tired”.

[Anonymous]

Driving on 4 hours of sleep is not a big deal for most people. Sorry, OP, but you sound overly dramatic and probably stress everyone out around you.

[Anonymous]

Well you gave up the right to make demands about his parenting when you divorced him. This is the deal, you chose yourself.

[Anonymous]

You don't demand he stay at the house. You offer to drive her.

[Anonymous]

How on earth do you know he only got 4 hours of sleep and will be extremely tired tonight? And you want him to sleep in your house?! Of course he wants to go home, not shack up with his crazy ex! It sounds to me like you are way too involved in his life and you’re trying to get home back. How dare you involve your daughter in this??

Leave the man alone. He doesn’t want to get in a car accident either, I’m sure he will have a coffee or energy drink and be fine. Your daughter can talk to him if he is drowsy. I haven’t gotten more than 6 hours of sleep any day this week and am about to drive 6 hours until the middle of the night with my entire family in the car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't demand he stay at the house. You offer to drive her.

This is it. You may have a valid concern, you may have anxiety - doesn’t really matter. If you don’t like how she is getting from point A to point B - whether that is with dad or another adult you think may be not safe, or on a school bus with a team, or with a friend who is a new driver - you drive.

This will come up more & more as she gets older & has her own life. Get used to it now - you cannot dictate what the driver offering her a ride will do. They may drive when they are tired, or drunk, or whatever. If you have a concern, just tell her, “ im happy for you to go, but taking you there.” The end - you don’t need to share with her that Dad is overtired, or her friend’s mom is a drink or whatever.

Get comfortable making these decisions without ex or DD. If you feel strongly that something is not safe, you drive until DC is able to.