Working parent dealing w SAHM “envy”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all sound socially incapable or maybe rude. SAHMs are not shocked when other women work. Normal SAHMs would ask you if you’ve been working on anything interesting/challenging/traveling a lot for work recently/changed jobs etc. They know appropriate superficial, work-related questions to ask if your response indicates you want to talk about work for small talk. If they really go silent when you mention work, they sound utterly socially inept.

I think you sound inept and hostile for responding to something as anodyne as “how’s your day” by talking about work. Surely when someone at work in a meeting opens by saying “how’s the morning?” You don’t respond by saying “busy with work.” Why not grant the SAHMs the courtesy of a normal answer to that question.

I agree with this. I work full time and I don't really want to talk about work with other people. If someone asks how my week or day is I might say mention if I was busy with work but would then re-direct to ask more questions of the other person's day. OP try some back and forth instead of just talking about being busy at work. That is a boring non-conversation starter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all sound socially incapable or maybe rude. SAHMs are not shocked when other women work. Normal SAHMs would ask you if you’ve been working on anything interesting/challenging/traveling a lot for work recently/changed jobs etc. They know appropriate superficial, work-related questions to ask if your response indicates you want to talk about work for small talk. If they really go silent when you mention work, they sound utterly socially inept.

I think you sound inept and hostile for responding to something as anodyne as “how’s your day” by talking about work. Surely when someone at work in a meeting opens by saying “how’s the morning?” You don’t respond by saying “busy with work.” Why not grant the SAHMs the courtesy of a normal answer to that question.

I agree with this. I work full time and I don't really want to talk about work with other people. If someone asks how my week or day is I might say mention if I was busy with work but would then re-direct to ask more questions of the other person's day. OP try some back and forth instead of just talking about being busy at work. That is a boring non-conversation starter.

There is a mom whose family is new to our school and complained to a volunteer that she didn’t feel welcome and felt the other parents were unfriendly. This is the same mom who, on kindergarten visit/play date date during last year’s admissions, brushed off other people’s friendly chit chat in the classroom designated as the parent waiting area, said she was busy with work, put in earbuds and started typing on her laptop.

Op, I’m guessing you weren’t quite that obnoxious about it, but it is important to look at what energy you’re giving off if the energy or treatment people reciprocate is always negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk about the weathe, sports or the govt melting down.

I also find it mindnumbing to listen to stories about their errands.

I remember our nanny calling in sick one day so I took my daughter to dance class. I was waiting for class to get out and ended up listening to the moms compare which HomeGoods had better stock and when each HomeGoods restocked so you could go look for the best stuff. I couldn't believe anyone had time for that. Totally mind numbing.

Interesting. I have what is considered a “big job” or whatever but I totally want this intel.

OP could try to find common ground with the other moms. But maybe she doesn’t want to? Does it make her feel superior to dismiss their errands and chores? All of us still have errands and chores unless we are mega rich celebrities (in which case I guess a chore is to pick out the specs on your newest luxury car or something).

We all just need to get over ourselves and find common ground. And by the way, those moms OP is poo pooing often have the best intel on school, teachers, coaches, etc. They have value also cause, you know, they are humans.

They could probably be part of your village if you weren’t so snobby.

I’m not interested in Homegoods but I would love to discuss skin and hair care for very extended periods of time:) come on OP, volunteer something interesting and see what you get back! Oh I finished a great book, heard something funny etc etc. I work but I still have fun silly interests. Plus it’s really nice to hear what teachers people like and don’t like. Not everyone has to be a kindred spirit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all sound socially incapable or maybe rude. SAHMs are not shocked when other women work. Normal SAHMs would ask you if you’ve been working on anything interesting/challenging/traveling a lot for work recently/changed jobs etc. They know appropriate superficial, work-related questions to ask if your response indicates you want to talk about work for small talk. If they really go silent when you mention work, they sound utterly socially inept.

I think you sound inept and hostile for responding to something as anodyne as “how’s your day” by talking about work. Surely when someone at work in a meeting opens by saying “how’s the morning?” You don’t respond by saying “busy with work.” Why not grant the SAHMs the courtesy of a normal answer to that question.

Lol to this. My kid goes to a school where about 80-90% of the moms are SAHMs and literally none of them have ever asked me any of the above questions or any other questions about work. Literally never. And yes in work meetings if you ask someone how their day is going they will often/usually say “busy”

[Anonymous]

You are too dependent on them for your social life. Find your tribe.

[Anonymous]

SAHMs usually aren’t spending their days at the spa or shopping. I’ve worked full time and stayed home full time, and working full time was way easier. Mostly because while working my husband participated in maintaining our household and family and while not working, he said maintaining our household and family was entirely my responsibility.

[Anonymous]

I find many WOHMs who do not know how to be polite, welcoming, inclusive, engaging in a group setting to be utterly inept. How lacking are you in EQ that you can not connect to a group of women who are talking about mundane stuff for a few minutes?

I find many WOHMs lose this ability to be a people's person at home and even at work - in the guise of being efficient. They get tunnel vision. And that is one of the main reason that they are overlooked for promotions etc at work, because they cannot hobnob or adapt to people and social situations.

This is not a thing to be proud of. It shows their rigidity and inflexibility to change, adapt and learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all sound socially incapable or maybe rude. SAHMs are not shocked when other women work. Normal SAHMs would ask you if you’ve been working on anything interesting/challenging/traveling a lot for work recently/changed jobs etc. They know appropriate superficial, work-related questions to ask if your response indicates you want to talk about work for small talk. If they really go silent when you mention work, they sound utterly socially inept.

I think you sound inept and hostile for responding to something as anodyne as “how’s your day” by talking about work. Surely when someone at work in a meeting opens by saying “how’s the morning?” You don’t respond by saying “busy with work.” Why not grant the SAHMs the courtesy of a normal answer to that question.

Lol to this. My kid goes to a school where about 80-90% of the moms are SAHMs and literally none of them have ever asked me any of the above questions or any other questions about work. Literally never. And yes in work meetings if you ask someone how their day is going they will often/usually say “busy”

So you cannot discern the difference between a work meeting and a social informal gathering? You need a life coach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure envy is the right word, but here goes. I am in favor of every parent and family doing what works for them economically and logistically. I live in an affluent suburb and am quite fortunate to work from home about 30 hours/week, with flexibility to pick my young kids up from the bus stop after school every day. For our family, this setup works really well. I’m super busy with work during the school day, and am able to get the time with my kids after school.

The problem? While I know there are other working moms in my community, none or very few of them are on bus stop duty. Therefore, my socializing with the moms at the bus stop is dominated with conversations revolving around the shopping, lunches out, vacation planning, spa treatments that these ladies seem to fill their days with. When they ask how my day has been and I say “busy with work” it’s a conversation killer. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my setup, but it’s that these are my main socialization moments during the week outside family and work, and to put it mildly - I can’t relate!

What can I do to stop feeling… nit exactly envious… but maybe perturbed? after these interactions?

I call troll.

This is not the conversation the mommies are having -- this "spa treatments" and "shopping" stuff is fantasy dreamed up by either 1) someone who does not stay home with their kids and is filled with rage and jealousy over it because they are unhinged, or 2) someone trying to get everyone here riled up. Also, no convos are stopping because someone says "busy with work" -- plenty of bus stop mommies work part time and can relate. Yeah, I think this is made up.

Of course it's made up, although I might allow the possibility of some microcluster of people who like homegoods and spas which sounds weird as he'll. Neither of those things have been on my radar ever and if someone mentions a spa day, they are usually taking a break from working. This premise is B.S.

[Anonymous]

Those women at the bus stop must not be socially skilled if they can't keep the conversation going after you say, "Busy with work." I'd ask, "Oh, what kind of work do you do?" etc. It's not hard.

[Anonymous]

First, we all choose our lives. Embrace your choice, embrace their choice. If you are unhappy with your choice, change it. I’ve been on both sides, and I will say it’s hard to make conversation with someone who just says “busy with work”…,busy with what type of work? Did you have a lot of patients, a lot of paperwork, or a lot of undirected missiles? It helps to give something to talk about.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM and I work my butt off running a household, and have friends who are SAHM and have a nanny and go play all day - it’s not about being a SAHM it’s about how you spend your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those women at the bus stop must not be socially skilled if they can't keep the conversation going after you say, "Busy with work." I'd ask, "Oh, what kind of work do you do?" etc. It's not hard.

No, OP needs to be able to talk about something besides work. She also needs to drop her bias that she is better than the other moms at the bus stop. Like a PP said, she only works 30 hours a week. That leaves lots of time for other things OP should be able to communicate about.

[Anonymous]

I'm a working mom, my son's friend's mom is a SAHM. She's lovely, we get along great and she's unprompted let me know she's willing to do morning drop off for me if I need it (I haven't had to take her up on that). She's awesome.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation, kids are almost grown now. Some of those SAHMs I met in elementary are now my close friends. We have lots to talk about, as do you with your neighbors. We rarely talk about my work. Why would we? There are many other things we have in common. Same with at work - with my work friends, I rarely talk about my kids, or school issues, etc. we talk about work, travel, etc.
You mentioned they talk about where they went to lunch & vacation planning - you go out to eat & go on vacations, so chime in!
Think of your life as a ven diagram - you have a lot in common & a lot to talk about with the moms at the bus stop, like kids, schools, kids clothes & gear, activities, vacations, things going on in the school or neighborhood, home renovations, plans, etc. Yes, you both have things that fall out of the common area - your work, their spa appointments- so you don’t have to talk about those things.

When they ask how was your day, saying “busy at work” is a conversation ender - you don’t share why, or how you feel about it or whatever. If you’d like to engage in conversation (& friendship), when someone asks that, respond with something specific! Day was bad because Johnny takes forever getting ready in the morning - does that happen to you? I’m tired bc I stayed up last night watching X show, or filling out the permission slip for the school trip, etc.