Working parent dealing w SAHM “envy”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure envy is the right word, but here goes. I am in favor of every parent and family doing what works for them economically and logistically. I live in an affluent suburb and am quite fortunate to work from home about 30 hours/week, with flexibility to pick my young kids up from the bus stop after school every day. For our family, this setup works really well. I’m super busy with work during the school day, and am able to get the time with my kids after school.

The problem? While I know there are other working moms in my community, none or very few of them are on bus stop duty. Therefore, my socializing with the moms at the bus stop is dominated with conversations revolving around the shopping, lunches out, vacation planning, spa treatments that these ladies seem to fill their days with. When they ask how my day has been and I say “busy with work” it’s a conversation killer. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my setup, but it’s that these are my main socialization moments during the week outside family and work, and to put it mildly - I can’t relate!

What can I do to stop feeling… nit exactly envious… but maybe perturbed? after these interactions?

I call troll.

This is not the conversation the mommies are having -- this "spa treatments" and "shopping" stuff is fantasy dreamed up by either 1) someone who does not stay home with their kids and is filled with rage and jealousy over it because they are unhinged, or 2) someone trying to get everyone here riled up. Also, no convos are stopping because someone says "busy with work" -- plenty of bus stop mommies work part time and can relate. Yeah, I think this is made up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM of three, homsechooling. My days are not full of shopping and spas, we are broke. You have rich envy, not SAH envy. I have rich envy too. :-*

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM of three, homsechooling. My days are not full of shopping and spas, we are broke. You have rich envy, not SAH envy. I have rich envy too. :-*

This. When I was a SAHM, my primary interests were potty training techniques, home organization, parenting a child on the autism spectrum, etc. In fact though I work now, I would still happily discuss these things with other parents because they remain pretty important to me (well we're past potty training, but everything else).

That said if I overheard women talking about getting a massage, I would want to know where they recommend. I might only get a massage once a year but if I do, I want to go somewhere good! If the rich ladies can help me with that, great.

[Anonymous]

If having a normal conversation makes you perturbed then make the kid walk home themselves.

[Anonymous]

While I’m no longer doing this, when my child was small we couldn’t afford childcare. I worked long hours in person on weekends and my partner worked in the office or out of town weekdays. I never really had time to myself (very specific to my particular child’s high needs). I never quite clicked with the SAHMs and the working moms considered me barely employed. Plus my husband often traveled for work so I was alone all week. It was difficult and no one could relate. And everyone was always “so busy” no matter their life style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM of three, homsechooling. My days are not full of shopping and spas, we are broke. You have rich envy, not SAH envy. I have rich envy too. :-*

YES

[Anonymous]

I mean, they don’t sound like a really stimulating group but do you need that at the bus stop?

If the answer is yes, you will need to bring something to the party. Ask about what they’re reading, maybe? Or some other not-work-not-mindnumbing subject?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk about the weathe, sports or the govt melting down.

I also find it mindnumbing to listen to stories about their errands.

I remember our nanny calling in sick one day so I took my daughter to dance class. I was waiting for class to get out and ended up listening to the moms compare which HomeGoods had better stock and when each HomeGoods restocked so you could go look for the best stuff. I couldn't believe anyone had time for that. Totally mind numbing.

Interesting. I have what is considered a “big job” or whatever but I totally want this intel.

OP could try to find common ground with the other moms. But maybe she doesn’t want to? Does it make her feel superior to dismiss their errands and chores? All of us still have errands and chores unless we are mega rich celebrities (in which case I guess a chore is to pick out the specs on your newest luxury car or something).

We all just need to get over ourselves and find common ground. And by the way, those moms OP is poo pooing often have the best intel on school, teachers, coaches, etc. They have value also cause, you know, they are humans.

They could probably be part of your village if you weren’t so snobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're the one creating the problem. Stop saying you were busy with work. Talk about how you are reading a great book or made heart-shaped cookies with your kids last night, or you're looking forward to seeing family this weekend.

This. OP needs to respond to their queries in a way that invites conversation. They are kind to ask you how you are OP. Respond in a way that continues the conversation. No one wants to hear how busy anyone is. Didn't presenting that "badge of honor" go out with the last decade?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk about the weathe, sports or the govt melting down.

I also find it mindnumbing to listen to stories about their errands.

I remember our nanny calling in sick one day so I took my daughter to dance class. I was waiting for class to get out and ended up listening to the moms compare which HomeGoods had better stock and when each HomeGoods restocked so you could go look for the best stuff. I couldn't believe anyone had time for that. Totally mind numbing.

And your powerpoints, spreadsheets, emails, slack babble and zoom meetings are totaling changing the world.

[Anonymous]

You all sound socially incapable or maybe rude. SAHMs are not shocked when other women work. Normal SAHMs would ask you if you’ve been working on anything interesting/challenging/traveling a lot for work recently/changed jobs etc. They know appropriate superficial, work-related questions to ask if your response indicates you want to talk about work for small talk. If they really go silent when you mention work, they sound utterly socially inept.

I think you sound inept and hostile for responding to something as anodyne as “how’s your day” by talking about work. Surely when someone at work in a meeting opens by saying “how’s the morning?” You don’t respond by saying “busy with work.” Why not grant the SAHMs the courtesy of a normal answer to that question.

[Anonymous]

They sound possibly rude or at least tone deaf and/or you could just be over sensitive.

I am a sahm and there is a mix of parents at the bus stop. Usually we talk about what is going on at school, neighborhood stuff, general weekend plans or upcoming trips etc. Just polite chit chat. That said, none of us are friends outside of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk about the weathe, sports or the govt melting down.

I also find it mindnumbing to listen to stories about their errands.

I remember our nanny calling in sick one day so I took my daughter to dance class. I was waiting for class to get out and ended up listening to the moms compare which HomeGoods had better stock and when each HomeGoods restocked so you could go look for the best stuff. I couldn't believe anyone had time for that. Totally mind numbing.

I’m a SAHM. I don’t like going to homegoods. I have friends, working and not working, who can go on and on about going to Costco or home goods or red tag sales at TJ maxx. I also know women who talk about their boring jobs and can’t seem to realize that no one cares about their job. Others talk about their dog or health problems or their parents’ health problems or their dog’s health problems. I have many many many friends who talk about food - dieting, cooking, new restaurants, allergies. I think the most annoying thing a person can do is talk about their kid’s allergies and diet. I don’t think you can judge a person on a 5 min conversation at the bus stop. I am probably equally annoyed at these women and I’m in their same non working lifestyle.

My friends are not divided into working and SAHM. Many of my working friends may have stayed home in the past. I am not currently working but I used to work and will work again.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with others who have said that you just happen to encounter a very specific type of SAHM- presumably they have a lot of money and/or family support and can outsource to get the amount of disposable time and income they have.

I'm a SAHM with a DH who is on 80% travel, and I don't talk about my life because it's boring and revolves mostly around parenting and chores. Most of the women I see during the week have equally boring lives and I only see them when we're dealing with board meetings or other volunteer work. You don't see us because we are driving in circles, sitting in a conference room going through a budget, or cooking dinner at 2 pm because we're the only parent who can do driving and childcare from 3 pm-bedtime.

I do cross paths with women whose lives you're describing, and they have partners with local jobs and limited travel, local grandparents and siblings that help with driving and childcare, and most importantly, a ton of money. So I think that you're envying the free time and reduced resonsibility that can be bought with money and family support, not specifically SAHM as a concept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with others who have said that you just happen to encounter a very specific type of SAHM- presumably they have a lot of money and/or family support and can outsource to get the amount of disposable time and income they have.

I'm a SAHM with a DH who is on 80% travel, and I don't talk about my life because it's boring and revolves mostly around parenting and chores. Most of the women I see during the week have equally boring lives and I only see them when we're dealing with board meetings or other volunteer work. You don't see us because we are driving in circles, sitting in a conference room going through a budget, or cooking dinner at 2 pm because we're the only parent who can do driving and childcare from 3 pm-bedtime.

I do cross paths with women whose lives you're describing, and they have partners with local jobs and limited travel, local grandparents and siblings that help with driving and childcare, and most importantly, a ton of money. So I think that you're envying the free time and reduced resonsibility that can be bought with money and family support, not specifically SAHM as a concept.

I’m a SAHM with no real budget. I can spend whatever I want. I mostly hang out with working moms. There are boring people who work and boring people who don’t work. I like to have a good time.