Working parent dealing w SAHM “envy”?

[Anonymous]

Not sure envy is the right word, but here goes. I am in favor of every parent and family doing what works for them economically and logistically. I live in an affluent suburb and am quite fortunate to work from home about 30 hours/week, with flexibility to pick my young kids up from the bus stop after school every day. For our family, this setup works really well. I’m super busy with work during the school day, and am able to get the time with my kids after school.

The problem? While I know there are other working moms in my community, none or very few of them are on bus stop duty. Therefore, my socializing with the moms at the bus stop is dominated with conversations revolving around the shopping, lunches out, vacation planning, spa treatments that these ladies seem to fill their days with. When they ask how my day has been and I say “busy with work” it’s a conversation killer. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my setup, but it’s that these are my main socialization moments during the week outside family and work, and to put it mildly - I can’t relate!

What can I do to stop feeling… nit exactly envious… but maybe perturbed? after these interactions?

[Anonymous]

Assume they’re not doing all those things every day, but that they are socially aware enough to not bring up their own “busy with work” conversation killers like “today I’m going to pull out the refrigerator and vacuum the coils and maybe clean the oven, too!”

[Anonymous]

You need other friends as your social outlet.

[Anonymous]

Talk about the weathe, sports or the govt melting down.

I also find it mindnumbing to listen to stories about their errands.

[Anonymous]

You need other friends. All the moms/dads at our stop work in some capacity and they trade off being st the bus stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk about the weathe, sports or the govt melting down.

I also find it mindnumbing to listen to stories about their errands.

mind-numbing indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk about the weathe, sports or the govt melting down.

I also find it mindnumbing to listen to stories about their errands.

I remember our nanny calling in sick one day so I took my daughter to dance class. I was waiting for class to get out and ended up listening to the moms compare which HomeGoods had better stock and when each HomeGoods restocked so you could go look for the best stuff. I couldn't believe anyone had time for that. Totally mind numbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk about the weathe, sports or the govt melting down.

I also find it mindnumbing to listen to stories about their errands.

I remember our nanny calling in sick one day so I took my daughter to dance class. I was waiting for class to get out and ended up listening to the moms compare which HomeGoods had better stock and when each HomeGoods restocked so you could go look for the best stuff. I couldn't believe anyone had time for that. Totally mind numbing.

Yep. I am a SAHM who doesn't like shopping, decorating, going to Pilates, etc. So, basically I don't really have SAHM friends once the toddler/preschool playgroups ended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assume they’re not doing all those things every day, but that they are socially aware enough to not bring up their own “busy with work” conversation killers like “today I’m going to pull out the refrigerator and vacuum the coils and maybe clean the oven, too!”

That’s what I was thinking too.
We recently moved, and I have been staying at home for the last six months. Most of my days are filled with chores. I do about the same amount of vacation planning, shopping, and spa treatments that I did when I was working. I do fewer lunches out.

You’re working 30 hours a week. That means there are 80+ hours a week that you aren’t working or sleeping. What are you doing during those hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk about the weathe, sports or the govt melting down.

I also find it mindnumbing to listen to stories about their errands.

I remember our nanny calling in sick one day so I took my daughter to dance class. I was waiting for class to get out and ended up listening to the moms compare which HomeGoods had better stock and when each HomeGoods restocked so you could go look for the best stuff. I couldn't believe anyone had time for that. Totally mind numbing.

You’re so much fun. Let those ladies live. They are not bothering anyone. It’s not their fault you’re stuck working 89 hours per week.

[Anonymous]

You're the one creating the problem. Stop saying you were busy with work. Talk about how you are reading a great book or made heart-shaped cookies with your kids last night, or you're looking forward to seeing family this weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assume they’re not doing all those things every day, but that they are socially aware enough to not bring up their own “busy with work” conversation killers like “today I’m going to pull out the refrigerator and vacuum the coils and maybe clean the oven, too!”

This. They are talking about the nice parts of their lives and skipping over the stuff that isn't so nice because they are just making small talk.

I've been a SAHM and now have a set up similar to yours. There are pluses and minuses to both.

I will say that SAHMs often feel talked down to by people with paying jobs because there is a pervasive attitude in our society that SAHMs don't do anything of value. So it's also possible they are overcompensating for the perception that you might look down on them. And your envy may actually be perceived as condescension.

It's so hard for women to support each other. It's really a bummer.

[Anonymous]

I think it's just that particular clique. I SAH and don't have the lifestyle you describe. I do all the housework, some volunteer work, go to the gym and a lot of parenting work related to my kid with SN.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM of three, homsechooling. My days are not full of shopping and spas, we are broke. You have rich envy, not SAH envy. I have rich envy too. :-*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk about the weathe, sports or the govt melting down.

I also find it mindnumbing to listen to stories about their errands.

I remember our nanny calling in sick one day so I took my daughter to dance class. I was waiting for class to get out and ended up listening to the moms compare which HomeGoods had better stock and when each HomeGoods restocked so you could go look for the best stuff. I couldn't believe anyone had time for that. Totally mind numbing.

There are also aspects of your job or life that would be "totally mind numbing" to hear you discuss.

Once I was at a dinner party where all the two-income families spent an hour discussing negotiating nanny contracts. I was bored out of my skull.

This is not a SAHM v. WOHM thing. This is about some people with a shared job/lifestyle sharing some details about that job/lifestyle that you can't relate to and don't matter to you. That's a good time for you to pull out a book or your phone and MYOB. Would you be as derisive if it was a group of diplomats discussing the ins and outs of their health insurance? Something diplomats do! It's still boring but I see why they'd want to talk to each other about it.