Stimming question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child did not start noticeably stimming until they were older, however we have discussed frankly that she should limit it in public. At home is fine but if she wants to maximize her options in the world it is something she needs to mask as much as reasonably possible.

I can believe 100% that everyone should be embraced as they are, however that is simply not true in the world we live in. It feels like it would be a disservice to my child to not explain that clearly.

Due to ASD it is unlikely she would pick this up on her own. If she wants to stim anyway I won’t stop her but I believe it is my job as a parent to be really clear and transparent in areas she might not pick up otherwise.

This is us too. Ds is very highly capable in certain things (academics, motor skills etc) but low capability in social skills plus the stimming. He likes to stim, but it’s really not necessary for his happy functioning. So I have no problem calling out his social deficits (including stimming) and tell him to dial it down or save it for private times. Honestly his stimming drives his dad and me nuts at this point (his is loud!) and he should know that. Again, if he really needed it to self soothe, I wouldn’t be so hard. But he doesn’t; he should know that the world is going to treat him differently if he engages in some behaviors. He’s 13 now, and often stims in his room after school but keeps it away from us. I’m okay with that.

The fact that he has to go hide in his room to stim, indicates that it is soothing and needed. Too bad his parents act like he's a social pariah for meeting his own needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child did not start noticeably stimming until they were older, however we have discussed frankly that she should limit it in public. At home is fine but if she wants to maximize her options in the world it is something she needs to mask as much as reasonably possible.

I can believe 100% that everyone should be embraced as they are, however that is simply not true in the world we live in. It feels like it would be a disservice to my child to not explain that clearly.

Due to ASD it is unlikely she would pick this up on her own. If she wants to stim anyway I won’t stop her but I believe it is my job as a parent to be really clear and transparent in areas she might not pick up otherwise.

This is us too. Ds is very highly capable in certain things (academics, motor skills etc) but low capability in social skills plus the stimming. He likes to stim, but it’s really not necessary for his happy functioning. So I have no problem calling out his social deficits (including stimming) and tell him to dial it down or save it for private times. Honestly his stimming drives his dad and me nuts at this point (his is loud!) and he should know that. Again, if he really needed it to self soothe, I wouldn’t be so hard. But he doesn’t; he should know that the world is going to treat him differently if he engages in some behaviors. He’s 13 now, and often stims in his room after school but keeps it away from us. I’m okay with that.

The fact that he has to go hide in his room to stim, indicates that it is soothing and needed. Too bad his parents act like he's a social pariah for meeting his own needs.

Unhelpful and possibly trolling.

Going into the bedroom (or other room) to play loud music, to do one's hobby, to stim, etc. without bothering others. This is normal and appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I think there are certain things that are disruptive to others, and certain things that aren't but others may judge you for it. To me telling a child to hide a non disruptive behavior that helps them self-regulate is not helpful. With regards to social skills , well we have bigger fish to fry than a harmless, silent stim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child did not start noticeably stimming until they were older, however we have discussed frankly that she should limit it in public. At home is fine but if she wants to maximize her options in the world it is something she needs to mask as much as reasonably possible.

I can believe 100% that everyone should be embraced as they are, however that is simply not true in the world we live in. It feels like it would be a disservice to my child to not explain that clearly.

Due to ASD it is unlikely she would pick this up on her own. If she wants to stim anyway I won’t stop her but I believe it is my job as a parent to be really clear and transparent in areas she might not pick up otherwise.

This is us too. Ds is very highly capable in certain things (academics, motor skills etc) but low capability in social skills plus the stimming. He likes to stim, but it’s really not necessary for his happy functioning. So I have no problem calling out his social deficits (including stimming) and tell him to dial it down or save it for private times. Honestly his stimming drives his dad and me nuts at this point (his is loud!) and he should know that. Again, if he really needed it to self soothe, I wouldn’t be so hard. But he doesn’t; he should know that the world is going to treat him differently if he engages in some behaviors. He’s 13 now, and often stims in his room after school but keeps it away from us. I’m okay with that.

The fact that he has to go hide in his room to stim, indicates that it is soothing and needed. Too bad his parents act like he's a social pariah for meeting his own needs.

Unhelpful and possibly trolling.

Going into the bedroom (or other room) to play loud music, to do one's hobby, to stim, etc. without bothering others. This is normal and appropriate.

Not trolling , stating facts.

Glad he has a safe place, away from his judgmental parents. He'll be 18 in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child did not start noticeably stimming until they were older, however we have discussed frankly that she should limit it in public. At home is fine but if she wants to maximize her options in the world it is something she needs to mask as much as reasonably possible.

I can believe 100% that everyone should be embraced as they are, however that is simply not true in the world we live in. It feels like it would be a disservice to my child to not explain that clearly.

Due to ASD it is unlikely she would pick this up on her own. If she wants to stim anyway I won’t stop her but I believe it is my job as a parent to be really clear and transparent in areas she might not pick up otherwise.

This is us too. Ds is very highly capable in certain things (academics, motor skills etc) but low capability in social skills plus the stimming. He likes to stim, but it’s really not necessary for his happy functioning. So I have no problem calling out his social deficits (including stimming) and tell him to dial it down or save it for private times. Honestly his stimming drives his dad and me nuts at this point (his is loud!) and he should know that. Again, if he really needed it to self soothe, I wouldn’t be so hard. But he doesn’t; he should know that the world is going to treat him differently if he engages in some behaviors. He’s 13 now, and often stims in his room after school but keeps it away from us. I’m okay with that.

The fact that he has to go hide in his room to stim, indicates that it is soothing and needed. Too bad his parents act like he's a social pariah for meeting his own needs.

Unhelpful and possibly trolling.

Going into the bedroom (or other room) to play loud music, to do one's hobby, to stim, etc. without bothering others. This is normal and appropriate.

Not trolling , stating facts.

Glad he has a safe place, away from his judgmental parents. He'll be 18 in a few years.

She said the stims are loud. So doing them in his bedroom is appropriate and considerate of other people. That's good, not bad or judgemental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child did not start noticeably stimming until they were older, however we have discussed frankly that she should limit it in public. At home is fine but if she wants to maximize her options in the world it is something she needs to mask as much as reasonably possible.

I can believe 100% that everyone should be embraced as they are, however that is simply not true in the world we live in. It feels like it would be a disservice to my child to not explain that clearly.

Due to ASD it is unlikely she would pick this up on her own. If she wants to stim anyway I won’t stop her but I believe it is my job as a parent to be really clear and transparent in areas she might not pick up otherwise.

This is us too. Ds is very highly capable in certain things (academics, motor skills etc) but low capability in social skills plus the stimming. He likes to stim, but it’s really not necessary for his happy functioning. So I have no problem calling out his social deficits (including stimming) and tell him to dial it down or save it for private times. Honestly his stimming drives his dad and me nuts at this point (his is loud!) and he should know that. Again, if he really needed it to self soothe, I wouldn’t be so hard. But he doesn’t; he should know that the world is going to treat him differently if he engages in some behaviors. He’s 13 now, and often stims in his room after school but keeps it away from us. I’m okay with that.

The fact that he has to go hide in his room to stim, indicates that it is soothing and needed. Too bad his parents act like he's a social pariah for meeting his own needs.

Unhelpful and possibly trolling.

Going into the bedroom (or other room) to play loud music, to do one's hobby, to stim, etc. without bothering others. This is normal and appropriate.

Not trolling , stating facts.

Glad he has a safe place, away from his judgmental parents. He'll be 18 in a few years.

She said the stims are loud. So doing them in his bedroom is appropriate and considerate of other people. That's good, not bad or judgemental.

She said he didn't really need to stim to be happy and that it is a social deficit. Sounds judgemental to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child did not start noticeably stimming until they were older, however we have discussed frankly that she should limit it in public. At home is fine but if she wants to maximize her options in the world it is something she needs to mask as much as reasonably possible.

I can believe 100% that everyone should be embraced as they are, however that is simply not true in the world we live in. It feels like it would be a disservice to my child to not explain that clearly.

Due to ASD it is unlikely she would pick this up on her own. If she wants to stim anyway I won’t stop her but I believe it is my job as a parent to be really clear and transparent in areas she might not pick up otherwise.

This is us too. Ds is very highly capable in certain things (academics, motor skills etc) but low capability in social skills plus the stimming. He likes to stim, but it’s really not necessary for his happy functioning. So I have no problem calling out his social deficits (including stimming) and tell him to dial it down or save it for private times. Honestly his stimming drives his dad and me nuts at this point (his is loud!) and he should know that. Again, if he really needed it to self soothe, I wouldn’t be so hard. But he doesn’t; he should know that the world is going to treat him differently if he engages in some behaviors. He’s 13 now, and often stims in his room after school but keeps it away from us. I’m okay with that.

The fact that he has to go hide in his room to stim, indicates that it is soothing and needed. Too bad his parents act like he's a social pariah for meeting his own needs.

Unhelpful and possibly trolling.

Going into the bedroom (or other room) to play loud music, to do one's hobby, to stim, etc. without bothering others. This is normal and appropriate.

Not trolling , stating facts.

Glad he has a safe place, away from his judgmental parents. He'll be 18 in a few years.

She said the stims are loud. So doing them in his bedroom is appropriate and considerate of other people. That's good, not bad or judgemental.

She said he didn't really need to stim to be happy and that it is a social deficit. Sounds judgemental to me.

I’m the parent you’re harshly criticizing. Way to make the SN it’s ever helpful source.

But yeah, at 13 I have no problem telling my kid there’s a time and place for his outrageously annoying and obvious stim. He’s 13 and can handle complex algebra and making a pie and a month away at sleepaway camp. He can handle some feedback from his parents and keep it in his room. Honestly we assume it’s half stimming and half masterbating at this point in there after school, both of which are things he should know to keep to himself. I also don’t want him playing with himself on the bus. Masterbation is self soothing and a natural drive that most people have. Am I judgemental and abusive if I tell my 13 year old to keep that in his room too?

There are different ways to parent. My way is good, and I’m good with it. I’m sure you’re good with your way, but it’s not the style we chose. But for some reason you think it’s appropriate to say horrible things about my parenting choices, including ironically calling me “Judgmental”. Pot meet kettle. Note that none of the posts that are pro treating stims ever criticized the other parents who let the stims continue. We just said this is what we’re doing for our kids and why we think it works, and some posters said why they don’t think you should wait. You’re the only one who made it personal and cruel and judgmental.

Suggest you stay off this board if you can’t be civil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child did not start noticeably stimming until they were older, however we have discussed frankly that she should limit it in public. At home is fine but if she wants to maximize her options in the world it is something she needs to mask as much as reasonably possible.

I can believe 100% that everyone should be embraced as they are, however that is simply not true in the world we live in. It feels like it would be a disservice to my child to not explain that clearly.

Due to ASD it is unlikely she would pick this up on her own. If she wants to stim anyway I won’t stop her but I believe it is my job as a parent to be really clear and transparent in areas she might not pick up otherwise.

This is us too. Ds is very highly capable in certain things (academics, motor skills etc) but low capability in social skills plus the stimming. He likes to stim, but it’s really not necessary for his happy functioning. So I have no problem calling out his social deficits (including stimming) and tell him to dial it down or save it for private times. Honestly his stimming drives his dad and me nuts at this point (his is loud!) and he should know that. Again, if he really needed it to self soothe, I wouldn’t be so hard. But he doesn’t; he should know that the world is going to treat him differently if he engages in some behaviors. He’s 13 now, and often stims in his room after school but keeps it away from us. I’m okay with that.

The fact that he has to go hide in his room to stim, indicates that it is soothing and needed. Too bad his parents act like he's a social pariah for meeting his own needs.

Unhelpful and possibly trolling.

Going into the bedroom (or other room) to play loud music, to do one's hobby, to stim, etc. without bothering others. This is normal and appropriate.

Not trolling , stating facts.

Glad he has a safe place, away from his judgmental parents. He'll be 18 in a few years.

She said the stims are loud. So doing them in his bedroom is appropriate and considerate of other people. That's good, not bad or judgemental.

She said he didn't really need to stim to be happy and that it is a social deficit. Sounds judgemental to me.

I’m the parent you’re harshly criticizing. Way to make the SN it’s ever helpful source.

But yeah, at 13 I have no problem telling my kid there’s a time and place for his outrageously annoying and obvious stim. He’s 13 and can handle complex algebra and making a pie and a month away at sleepaway camp. He can handle some feedback from his parents and keep it in his room. Honestly we assume it’s half stimming and half masterbating at this point in there after school, both of which are things he should know to keep to himself. I also don’t want him playing with himself on the bus. Masterbation is self soothing and a natural drive that most people have. Am I judgemental and abusive if I tell my 13 year old to keep that in his room too?

There are different ways to parent. My way is good, and I’m good with it. I’m sure you’re good with your way, but it’s not the style we chose. But for some reason you think it’s appropriate to say horrible things about my parenting choices, including ironically calling me “Judgmental”. Pot meet kettle. Note that none of the posts that are pro treating stims ever criticized the other parents who let the stims continue. We just said this is what we’re doing for our kids and why we think it works, and some posters said why they don’t think you should wait. You’re the only one who made it personal and cruel and judgmental.

Suggest you stay off this board if you can’t be civil.

. Isn't OP's child 4?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child did not start noticeably stimming until they were older, however we have discussed frankly that she should limit it in public. At home is fine but if she wants to maximize her options in the world it is something she needs to mask as much as reasonably possible.

I can believe 100% that everyone should be embraced as they are, however that is simply not true in the world we live in. It feels like it would be a disservice to my child to not explain that clearly.

Due to ASD it is unlikely she would pick this up on her own. If she wants to stim anyway I won’t stop her but I believe it is my job as a parent to be really clear and transparent in areas she might not pick up otherwise.

This is us too. Ds is very highly capable in certain things (academics, motor skills etc) but low capability in social skills plus the stimming. He likes to stim, but it’s really not necessary for his happy functioning. So I have no problem calling out his social deficits (including stimming) and tell him to dial it down or save it for private times. Honestly his stimming drives his dad and me nuts at this point (his is loud!) and he should know that. Again, if he really needed it to self soothe, I wouldn’t be so hard. But he doesn’t; he should know that the world is going to treat him differently if he engages in some behaviors. He’s 13 now, and often stims in his room after school but keeps it away from us. I’m okay with that.

The fact that he has to go hide in his room to stim, indicates that it is soothing and needed. Too bad his parents act like he's a social pariah for meeting his own needs.

Unhelpful and possibly trolling.

Going into the bedroom (or other room) to play loud music, to do one's hobby, to stim, etc. without bothering others. This is normal and appropriate.

Not trolling , stating facts.

Glad he has a safe place, away from his judgmental parents. He'll be 18 in a few years.

She said the stims are loud. So doing them in his bedroom is appropriate and considerate of other people. That's good, not bad or judgemental.

She said he didn't really need to stim to be happy and that it is a social deficit. Sounds judgemental to me.

I’m the parent you’re harshly criticizing. Way to make the SN it’s ever helpful source.

But yeah, at 13 I have no problem telling my kid there’s a time and place for his outrageously annoying and obvious stim. He’s 13 and can handle complex algebra and making a pie and a month away at sleepaway camp. He can handle some feedback from his parents and keep it in his room. Honestly we assume it’s half stimming and half masterbating at this point in there after school, both of which are things he should know to keep to himself. I also don’t want him playing with himself on the bus. Masterbation is self soothing and a natural drive that most people have. Am I judgemental and abusive if I tell my 13 year old to keep that in his room too?

There are different ways to parent. My way is good, and I’m good with it. I’m sure you’re good with your way, but it’s not the style we chose. But for some reason you think it’s appropriate to say horrible things about my parenting choices, including ironically calling me “Judgmental”. Pot meet kettle. Note that none of the posts that are pro treating stims ever criticized the other parents who let the stims continue. We just said this is what we’re doing for our kids and why we think it works, and some posters said why they don’t think you should wait. You’re the only one who made it personal and cruel and judgmental.

Suggest you stay off this board if you can’t be civil.

. Isn't OP's child 4?

Op asked for people’s advice. A lot of us with older kids responded with how we handled it. Some other pp separately responded that my telling my 14 year old to keep it in his room makes me abusive and judgmental. So this back and forth unfortunately has nothing to do with the ops question or the ops 4 year old (though my original response to op does still stand). This is unfortunately just a ton of unhinged responses from a mean parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child did not start noticeably stimming until they were older, however we have discussed frankly that she should limit it in public. At home is fine but if she wants to maximize her options in the world it is something she needs to mask as much as reasonably possible.

I can believe 100% that everyone should be embraced as they are, however that is simply not true in the world we live in. It feels like it would be a disservice to my child to not explain that clearly.

Due to ASD it is unlikely she would pick this up on her own. If she wants to stim anyway I won’t stop her but I believe it is my job as a parent to be really clear and transparent in areas she might not pick up otherwise.

This is us too. Ds is very highly capable in certain things (academics, motor skills etc) but low capability in social skills plus the stimming. He likes to stim, but it’s really not necessary for his happy functioning. So I have no problem calling out his social deficits (including stimming) and tell him to dial it down or save it for private times. Honestly his stimming drives his dad and me nuts at this point (his is loud!) and he should know that. Again, if he really needed it to self soothe, I wouldn’t be so hard. But he doesn’t; he should know that the world is going to treat him differently if he engages in some behaviors. He’s 13 now, and often stims in his room after school but keeps it away from us. I’m okay with that.

The fact that he has to go hide in his room to stim, indicates that it is soothing and needed. Too bad his parents act like he's a social pariah for meeting his own needs.

Unhelpful and possibly trolling.

Going into the bedroom (or other room) to play loud music, to do one's hobby, to stim, etc. without bothering others. This is normal and appropriate.

Not trolling , stating facts.

Glad he has a safe place, away from his judgmental parents. He'll be 18 in a few years.

She said the stims are loud. So doing them in his bedroom is appropriate and considerate of other people. That's good, not bad or judgemental.

She said he didn't really need to stim to be happy and that it is a social deficit. Sounds judgemental to me.

I’m the parent you’re harshly criticizing. Way to make the SN it’s ever helpful source.

But yeah, at 13 I have no problem telling my kid there’s a time and place for his outrageously annoying and obvious stim. He’s 13 and can handle complex algebra and making a pie and a month away at sleepaway camp. He can handle some feedback from his parents and keep it in his room. Honestly we assume it’s half stimming and half masterbating at this point in there after school, both of which are things he should know to keep to himself. I also don’t want him playing with himself on the bus. Masterbation is self soothing and a natural drive that most people have. Am I judgemental and abusive if I tell my 13 year old to keep that in his room too?

There are different ways to parent. My way is good, and I’m good with it. I’m sure you’re good with your way, but it’s not the style we chose. But for some reason you think it’s appropriate to say horrible things about my parenting choices, including ironically calling me “Judgmental”. Pot meet kettle. Note that none of the posts that are pro treating stims ever criticized the other parents who let the stims continue. We just said this is what we’re doing for our kids and why we think it works, and some posters said why they don’t think you should wait. You’re the only one who made it personal and cruel and judgmental.

Suggest you stay off this board if you can’t be civil.

. Isn't OP's child 4?

Op asked for people’s advice. A lot of us with older kids responded with how we handled it. Some other pp separately responded that my telling my 14 year old to keep it in his room makes me abusive and judgmental. So this back and forth unfortunately has nothing to do with the ops question or the ops 4 year old (though my original response to op does still stand). This is unfortunately just a ton of unhinged responses from a mean parent.

Then maybe stop engaging? This is just getting weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will it still be cute or ok in 5 years? If not you should fix it.

Myself and another poster explained that the stim could very well fade. It's not something to 'fix'. He isn't broken.

Or it could become a bad habit like biting nails... you choose how to frame it...

that’s not actually how stims work. Stims come and go - sometimes it’s flapping, sometimes pacing - and you’re never going to cure a kid with autism out of repetitive behaviors because the underlying impulse is literally necessary for the dx. When a kid gets older, if they are normal IQ/language, then you can teach them at a higher level about stimming and how others perceive them. But 4? no. you focus on the stims that are disruptive or dangerous, but you can’t extinguish the drive to stim.

You can’t extinguish “the drive to stim” completely but you absolutely can teach competitive behaviors and reinforce those more heavily than self-stimulatory behavior so the opportunity for it to occur across the day is minimized. So if a kid loves hand flapping then teach them to love riding a bike or jumping rope. The two can’t be done simultaneously. Or teach them to play T-ball, or swing, or rock climbing, or play dough, or crafts, or yoga, or swimming, or a myriad of other things incompatible with hand flapping. You teach new skills and new behaviors that over time decrease the opportunity for the occurrence of hand flapping. You literally keep them busy all day and minimize down time. This way you avoid it getting to the point where all they do is walk around flapping. If you just ignore it and don’t do anything to prevent or minimize it, don’t teach new skills, then you get to the point it’s much harder to intervene. 4 is a perfect age to address this because life is full of new skills. You just have to think strategically about which skills you select next.

You’re describing child abuse. Note: I am not against behavioral modification at all but that level of effort to change hand flapping is abusive and wrong.

DP
What is wrong is NOT teaching your child how to cope in the existing world. PP is demonstrating coping mechanisms, we all have them. This is literally your job as a parent. It doesn't have to be abusive. I would never advocate to do it in an abusive way. Teaching these things with empathy and kindness allows them to function in the world as it is, not the fiction you envision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will it still be cute or ok in 5 years? If not you should fix it.

Myself and another poster explained that the stim could very well fade. It's not something to 'fix'. He isn't broken.

Or it could become a bad habit like biting nails... you choose how to frame it...

that’s not actually how stims work. Stims come and go - sometimes it’s flapping, sometimes pacing - and you’re never going to cure a kid with autism out of repetitive behaviors because the underlying impulse is literally necessary for the dx. When a kid gets older, if they are normal IQ/language, then you can teach them at a higher level about stimming and how others perceive them. But 4? no. you focus on the stims that are disruptive or dangerous, but you can’t extinguish the drive to stim.

You can’t extinguish “the drive to stim” completely but you absolutely can teach competitive behaviors and reinforce those more heavily than self-stimulatory behavior so the opportunity for it to occur across the day is minimized. So if a kid loves hand flapping then teach them to love riding a bike or jumping rope. The two can’t be done simultaneously. Or teach them to play T-ball, or swing, or rock climbing, or play dough, or crafts, or yoga, or swimming, or a myriad of other things incompatible with hand flapping. You teach new skills and new behaviors that over time decrease the opportunity for the occurrence of hand flapping. You literally keep them busy all day and minimize down time. This way you avoid it getting to the point where all they do is walk around flapping. If you just ignore it and don’t do anything to prevent or minimize it, don’t teach new skills, then you get to the point it’s much harder to intervene. 4 is a perfect age to address this because life is full of new skills. You just have to think strategically about which skills you select next.

You’re describing child abuse. Note: I am not against behavioral modification at all but that level of effort to change hand flapping is abusive and wrong.

DP
What is wrong is NOT teaching your child how to cope in the existing world. PP is demonstrating coping mechanisms, we all have them. This is literally your job as a parent. It doesn't have to be abusive. I would never advocate to do it in an abusive way. Teaching these things with empathy and kindness allows them to function in the world as it is, not the fiction you envision.

You can’t “cope” your way out of autism and for all but the most mildly affected that means some repetitive behaviors will always be there. as I said 10 times, this is a FOUR year old hand flapping. Not a 14 year old. Addressing dangerous behaviors, very disruptive ones, makes sense. trying to extinguish all stims in an autistic FOUR year old would be widely and correctly seen as abusive by the vast majority of clinicians and therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will it still be cute or ok in 5 years? If not you should fix it.

Myself and another poster explained that the stim could very well fade. It's not something to 'fix'. He isn't broken.

Yeah it is something to fix. Fix doesn’t mean never allowing it. It does mean establishing places it’s appropriate and not appropriate. Like it’s ok in your bedroom or in the bathroom or at recess but not at school during class. You can also shape the behavior to one that’s less disruptive/distracting/more socially acceptable. It’s just a fact that there’s no better way to make your kid the social outcast than flapping around other NT kids. A person saying quiet hands understands that’s just life. If they said it 24/7 that would be an issue, if they’re saying it in a social context where it’s preventing the child from interacting and building social skills then you should be thankful they’re willing to address things that are difficult.

This is a FOUR year old. The amount of effort needed to extinguish all stims in a kid that age would be totally disproportionate, wasted, and cruel. Nobody is saying and older kid shouldn’t be taught or that dangerous or loud stims be addressed.

Nobody said anything about extinguishing all “stims”, that’s just not a thing. Also anything dangerous should always take priority. Assuming disruptive/“annoying” but non-harmful behavior, it’s still MUCH easier to address at age 4 vs an older kid.

Think about it this way- the kid flaps an hour a day in multiple settings and you allow it until they start middle school. Now it’s no longer socially appropriate and little Johnny is getting teased about it and you want to fix it.

Well that’s about 8 more years of reinforcement history you’re now up against at age 12 vs age 4. I’d just tell you good luck I can’t help you, you should’ve addressed it when they were younger. Or if you’re lucky enough I do help you I’m going to tell you pick one setting because total elimination is almost impossible at that age with that learning history.

You are doing the child a huge disservice if you knowingly do absolutely nothing at age 4 and just wait until they are older. Calling it cruel, disproportionate, and absurd is literally absurd. And yes, it requires a LOT of effort, but still easier and less effortful at 4 than 14.

You are a) describing something far from what OP describes and b) wrong.

OP never said her kid is hand flapping for hours alone. And if that was the case then the intervention would be to put the kid in a more enriching environment, not to target the flapping. It would be to ask why the child feels the need to stim intensively and change the environment.

You are also wrong because as many parents have told you (and I sense you are not a parent but I could be wrong) stims come and go and change with time an age. Spending excessive effort at 4 to extinguish one type of stim makes zero sense unless it is dangerous or really disruptive. Conversely, extinguishing the propensity to stim altogether is as impossible at 4 as it would be at 14.

Teach the kid to sit and attend the teacher for an age appropriate time period? Yes. To walk safely through and intersection instead of skipping? Of course. To stop hand flapping when excited? Total waste of effort.

Sounds like you’re on a completely different page than I am. I never said anything about completely extinguishing one type of self-stimulatory behavior.

I’m not wrong, and I can tell you with certainty that ignoring it is worse than addressing it.

That’s all.

you ARE wrong. A 4 year old fidgeting or hand flapping during circle time isn’t a problem behavior to be extinguished. I’m scratching my head about what minimally competent ABA program would expend the effort on it unless it was a distraction. The goal would be for the child to attend to the teacher and, you know, learn to read. Not to “not look autistic.” Again - OP has NOT said her child is sitting in a corner stimming all day.

The pp you’re responding to is misguided about many things, but one of the stims OP mentioned is loudly humming. My kid does that too. If a child is doing that in preschool, when the teacher is talking or reading aloud, it is a distraction. Wanting to replace this behavior isn’t a matter of making the child look NT. It’s being able to function in a classroom with other students.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to all who have shared their experiences. Have any of your older children given you feedback on your guidance?

Our son generally does his “skipping,” which is more like a little gallop maneuver that he does back and forth 3 or 4 paces, sometime during the first hour or two after we get home for the day. While he does this, he swings his arms in big circles and vocalizes, as I referenced earlier. He usually does this for fewer than 5 mins most days (maybe more like 2 mins?). I am not certain whether he does this at school, but I don’t think he does. A professional told me to redirect him when he starts this behavior, but the timing of it and big movements involved make me think it’s needed self-regulation. Any thoughts on this?

His other stimming generally involves a seated or standing bouncing and arm/hand flapping for a second or two, in relation to whatever has just excited him. So if we’re at a holiday event and there’s a big model train going around in circles on a track, we’d see more consistent stims with bigger motions. Or more routinely, I was watching him at school before pickup - he was playing trains with another child (yay!) and when he put a piece of wooden track in place, he would stim for a couple of seconds. Then, when he found a train to put on the new track to try it out, he’d stim again. Or when his playmate put a new piece of track down or ran his train around the track, he stimmed.

As others have said, maybe his stimming will decrease as he ages, which would be great. If not, what age do you think would be appropriate to raise this? He will definitely be able to understand this as he gets a bit older and might even understand now, if I discussed it with him (but it feels too early for that).

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Anonymous wrote:My child did not start noticeably stimming until they were older, however we have discussed frankly that she should limit it in public. At home is fine but if she wants to maximize her options in the world it is something she needs to mask as much as reasonably possible.

I can believe 100% that everyone should be embraced as they are, however that is simply not true in the world we live in. It feels like it would be a disservice to my child to not explain that clearly.

Due to ASD it is unlikely she would pick this up on her own. If she wants to stim anyway I won’t stop her but I believe it is my job as a parent to be really clear and transparent in areas she might not pick up otherwise.

This is us too. Ds is very highly capable in certain things (academics, motor skills etc) but low capability in social skills plus the stimming. He likes to stim, but it’s really not necessary for his happy functioning. So I have no problem calling out his social deficits (including stimming) and tell him to dial it down or save it for private times. Honestly his stimming drives his dad and me nuts at this point (his is loud!) and he should know that. Again, if he really needed it to self soothe, I wouldn’t be so hard. But he doesn’t; he should know that the world is going to treat him differently if he engages in some behaviors. He’s 13 now, and often stims in his room after school but keeps it away from us. I’m okay with that.

The fact that he has to go hide in his room to stim, indicates that it is soothing and needed. Too bad his parents act like he's a social pariah for meeting his own needs.

Unhelpful and possibly trolling.

Going into the bedroom (or other room) to play loud music, to do one's hobby, to stim, etc. without bothering others. This is normal and appropriate.

Not trolling , stating facts.

Glad he has a safe place, away from his judgmental parents. He'll be 18 in a few years.

She said the stims are loud. So doing them in his bedroom is appropriate and considerate of other people. That's good, not bad or judgemental.

She said he didn't really need to stim to be happy and that it is a social deficit. Sounds judgemental to me.

I’m the parent you’re harshly criticizing. Way to make the SN it’s ever helpful source.

But yeah, at 13 I have no problem telling my kid there’s a time and place for his outrageously annoying and obvious stim. He’s 13 and can handle complex algebra and making a pie and a month away at sleepaway camp. He can handle some feedback from his parents and keep it in his room. Honestly we assume it’s half stimming and half masterbating at this point in there after school, both of which are things he should know to keep to himself. I also don’t want him playing with himself on the bus. Masterbation is self soothing and a natural drive that most people have. Am I judgemental and abusive if I tell my 13 year old to keep that in his room too?

There are different ways to parent. My way is good, and I’m good with it. I’m sure you’re good with your way, but it’s not the style we chose. But for some reason you think it’s appropriate to say horrible things about my parenting choices, including ironically calling me “Judgmental”. Pot meet kettle. Note that none of the posts that are pro treating stims ever criticized the other parents who let the stims continue. We just said this is what we’re doing for our kids and why we think it works, and some posters said why they don’t think you should wait. You’re the only one who made it personal and cruel and judgmental.

Suggest you stay off this board if you can’t be civil.

You are not the 'we' here. Multiple people are saying that you appear harsh and judgemental.

And now you are 'assuming' that your dc's stims are half masturbating. You are weird. I get it, you don't like that your kid is autistic.