Stimming question

[Anonymous]

Our child stims when he is excited. Hand flapping, skipping back and forth, some not-too-loud vocalizing that sounds a bit like higher pitched, happy humming (sans melody, unfortunately). Nothing big, violent, etc., but certainly his behaviors are different than most of his peers (he’s 4), and his stims of course could be distracting to others.

I’ve been told by some professionals to encourage him to have “quiet hands” and to generally help minimize the stimming, and others who say, it’s who he is and he needs to stim. The folks who advocate minimizing stimming are thinking long term about fitting in/bullying/success in school/comfort in the school environment.

How do you handle stimming? Is there a right answer in this?

[Anonymous]

My child did not start noticeably stimming until they were older, however we have discussed frankly that she should limit it in public. At home is fine but if she wants to maximize her options in the world it is something she needs to mask as much as reasonably possible.

I can believe 100% that everyone should be embraced as they are, however that is simply not true in the world we live in. It feels like it would be a disservice to my child to not explain that clearly.

Due to ASD it is unlikely she would pick this up on her own. If she wants to stim anyway I won’t stop her but I believe it is my job as a parent to be really clear and transparent in areas she might not pick up otherwise.

[Anonymous]

My dd with asd, who is now 10, was similar when excited when she was that age. She is much less exuberant now.

I would not try to surpress it at this time. If it's a problem in the classroom, the teacher will say something. That could be a time to explain to him that he is disturbing others. But he'll be older then, and it may fade on its own, like my dd's did.

[Anonymous]

It may fade. My DD's did.

People have all kinds of philosophical justifications for what they'll choose but it depends a lot on how high this falls in their list of priorities. And of course what the stim is and whether it is dangerous.

[Anonymous]

If it is not disruptive, at this age I personally would not discourage it. If it is loud enough to be distracting for others, I would focus on lowering the volume in settings where this is a problem.

I think it is important to let them use the stim to self soothe. At an older age you can talk more about the social issues when they can understand that there is nothing wrong with them but socially it might be limiting. They might stop doing it themselves anyway.

[Anonymous]

I would not do anything at 4 unless it was really disruptive to other kids (like making noise). I do believe this is an example of harmful forced “masking” AND it is also a wasted effort by the adults. If you want to change behavior focus something that will actually be beneficial like teaching kiddo to sit and attend to a teacher, brush teeth, line up, etc

[Anonymous]

you could address the skipping because that could be unsafe (skipping into someone, into the street). My kid paces in circles and I am still trying to teach him he can’t do that in places like Metro platforms.

Whoever is telling you to teach your kid “quiet hands” is really out of date - I would be concerned about whether they are competent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you could address the skipping because that could be unsafe (skipping into someone, into the street). My kid paces in circles and I am still trying to teach him he can’t do that in places like Metro platforms.

Whoever is telling you to teach your kid “quiet hands” is really out of date - I would be concerned about whether they are competent.

This

[Anonymous]

Will it still be cute or ok in 5 years? If not you should fix it.

[Anonymous]

Both my kids stim. I started curbing it at around 2nd grade. It's not as noticeable now in MS and HS but it's definitely still there.

I actually don't believe the world can or will change to accommodate them, so I try to prepare them for the harsh world.

Just like I'm not free to say or do everything my brain tells me, they aren't either. (I've had posts removed here in the SN section because of my views). People judge me constantly, just like they will judge my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will it still be cute or ok in 5 years? If not you should fix it.

Myself and another poster explained that the stim could very well fade. It's not something to 'fix'. He isn't broken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will it still be cute or ok in 5 years? If not you should fix it.

Myself and another poster explained that the stim could very well fade. It's not something to 'fix'. He isn't broken.

Or it could become a bad habit like biting nails... you choose how to frame it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will it still be cute or ok in 5 years? If not you should fix it.

Myself and another poster explained that the stim could very well fade. It's not something to 'fix'. He isn't broken.

Or it could become a bad habit like biting nails... you choose how to frame it...

that’s not actually how stims work. Stims come and go - sometimes it’s flapping, sometimes pacing - and you’re never going to cure a kid with autism out of repetitive behaviors because the underlying impulse is literally necessary for the dx. When a kid gets older, if they are normal IQ/language, then you can teach them at a higher level about stimming and how others perceive them. But 4? no. you focus on the stims that are disruptive or dangerous, but you can’t extinguish the drive to stim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child did not start noticeably stimming until they were older, however we have discussed frankly that she should limit it in public. At home is fine but if she wants to maximize her options in the world it is something she needs to mask as much as reasonably possible.

I can believe 100% that everyone should be embraced as they are, however that is simply not true in the world we live in. It feels like it would be a disservice to my child to not explain that clearly.

Due to ASD it is unlikely she would pick this up on her own. If she wants to stim anyway I won’t stop her but I believe it is my job as a parent to be really clear and transparent in areas she might not pick up otherwise.

This is us too. Ds is very highly capable in certain things (academics, motor skills etc) but low capability in social skills plus the stimming. He likes to stim, but it’s really not necessary for his happy functioning. So I have no problem calling out his social deficits (including stimming) and tell him to dial it down or save it for private times. Honestly his stimming drives his dad and me nuts at this point (his is loud!) and he should know that. Again, if he really needed it to self soothe, I wouldn’t be so hard. But he doesn’t; he should know that the world is going to treat him differently if he engages in some behaviors. He’s 13 now, and often stims in his room after school but keeps it away from us. I’m okay with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will it still be cute or ok in 5 years? If not you should fix it.

Myself and another poster explained that the stim could very well fade. It's not something to 'fix'. He isn't broken.

Yeah it is something to fix. Fix doesn’t mean never allowing it. It does mean establishing places it’s appropriate and not appropriate. Like it’s ok in your bedroom or in the bathroom or at recess but not at school during class. You can also shape the behavior to one that’s less disruptive/distracting/more socially acceptable. It’s just a fact that there’s no better way to make your kid the social outcast than flapping around other NT kids. A person saying quiet hands understands that’s just life. If they said it 24/7 that would be an issue, if they’re saying it in a social context where it’s preventing the child from interacting and building social skills then you should be thankful they’re willing to address things that are difficult.