How do you deal with a spouse who undermines your parenting every step of the way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is going to be okay. OP. Lots of teens don’t do chores and they turn out okay. Does he do his homework, show up on time when he needs to, say thank you when you make him a snack? If so he’s got the building blocks.

The dog is now yours. Congratulations! You are a dog’s favorite person.

Maybe ask your son to do tasks that you control entirely or that impact your son, and when your husband isn’t around. So ask him to come do the dishes while you are cooking - right in the moment. Or if you are doing his laundry, teach him how and then tell him he is responsible for it. If he drives, put some money in his account and give him the shopping list. Do these in the moment as opportunities allow, not as a standing chore you need to nag about.

The first two paragraphs of this post ⬆️ are good examples of toxic positivity.

Toxic positivity? No, they are examples of 1) pointing out OP’s catastrophic thinking that her kid not doing chores will result in a stunted adult and 2) tongue in cheek acceptance of reality.

Toxic positivity exits. This ain’t it.

[Anonymous]

I very rarely say divorce is the answer, but I really really want to tell you to consider a divorce. Your DH sounds like a very irresponsible parent and I couldn’t stay married to that.

Can you name any good things about DH?

Aside from abuse, parents should back each other up 100% of the time in front of the kids. If they disagree, it should happen at a later time in private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH likes to be the good cop, and steps in almost every time I ask teen DC to pick up after themselves, feed the dog which they promised to as a condition of getting said dog, pack their own lunch. All the small things, no big deal, basic parenting stuff, but it often becomes a big deal when DH likes to step in and disagree with me and shows DC he is on their side. I don't scream or yell, yet DH makes me the villain when it's literally the kind of basic parenting happening every minute around the world. What do I do?

Can't get into a fight with DH every time, but also can't watch DC deteriorate and turn into an unreliable person with all sort of bad habits. 4 years later now DC still doesn't feed the dog consistently. My choices are: remind DC, which DH doesn't like and it becomes a fight, or I feed the dog even though DC promised to, or let the dog starve. If DH wasn't this way, I am convinced DC would have learned it and become automatic after 1 month. DH thinks he's a loving parent, but he's hurting the kid long term.

Just terrible. Lived this. I feel for our damaged teenager. I stayed and tried to control and manage and over compensate until I knew if I didn’t divorce I wouldn’t make it. Divorced now. I feel for son. Spouse infantalizes his son. I still am impacted but not day to day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. That sucks.

I am a stepmom and my husband thinks his late teen kids should do zero chores. I think it is really poor parenting. I've always thought that I was the mom I could have raised them to do better, but it had not occurred to me that even if I was the mom the dad might try to undercut me and be the good cop!

Hasn't he ever heard the phrase "happy wife happy life"??

He should be backing you up.

I think you should tell DH and the kid that you will no longer be caring for the dog and that if they don't step up and care for the dog, you will re home her.

Why did you marry him if you disagree with his parenting? Serious question, this is always baffling to me.

Most people get married before they have a child. I’m a DP but would not have been able to know without the child being born.

[Anonymous]

Men who do this are weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: problem is I love the dog even though it was not my idea to get her. Because I take care of it more than anyone else does now (DC promised to do the basic dog chores which would take perhaps 30 mins a day, but hasn't, after 4 years). I don't want the dog to starve, it's not fair. My issue is not that I have to feed the dog, that would be petty. My issue is it's something DC could have learned years ago, if not for having a father who normalized lack of accountability. The on-going message is: If DC doesn't do something they should, it's ok, we should let it slide. If I dare bring it up, then it's bad. My options are: fight with DH, or let DC learn you don't have to fulfill your commitments. I don't want either, what can I do so these aren't my only options?

This is how it ALWAYS works with a dog. Damn near universal...

Not a particular hill to die on - chalk this up to a lesson learned for you - you should not have made this a pre-condition on getting the dog in the first place since it is always a losing proposition for the parent and now you are left with the struggle you currently find yourself.

Take this as a loss and move on.

Other parents, take note and don't make this mistake - YOU will be the primary caregiver for the dog, not the kids that's how it works -- hear me now, believe me later.

Now, in regards to other aspects of responsibility and accountability you are in the right and you and DH need to get on the same page regarding this. If this is a consistent theme in all issues of child accountability then you may need some outside help(family counseling) to sort it all out and come up with an approach that he can sign on to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH likes to be the good cop, and steps in almost every time I ask teen DC to pick up after themselves, feed the dog which they promised to as a condition of getting said dog, pack their own lunch. All the small things, no big deal, basic parenting stuff, but it often becomes a big deal when DH likes to step in and disagree with me and shows DC he is on their side. I don't scream or yell, yet DH makes me the villain when it's literally the kind of basic parenting happening every minute around the world. What do I do?

Can't get into a fight with DH every time, but also can't watch DC deteriorate and turn into an unreliable person with all sort of bad habits. 4 years later now DC still doesn't feed the dog consistently. My choices are: remind DC, which DH doesn't like and it becomes a fight, or I feed the dog even though DC promised to, or let the dog starve. If DH wasn't this way, I am convinced DC would have learned it and become automatic after 1 month. DH thinks he's a loving parent, but he's hurting the kid long term.

I'd do the following:

1. Stop packing lunches. If DC starves, they starve. If they ask for a lunch, tell them to ask dad.

2. Stuff that's left out for 72 hours gets tossed. Don't even have to say anything, just toss it and if DC asks, tell them to ask dad where it is, you have no idea.

3. Tell H congrats! The dog is now his responsibility. Put up a chart with feedings and walks. If they aren't checked off daily, dog gets re-homed. If dog has an accident, H or DC get to clean it up.