How do you deal with a spouse who undermines your parenting every step of the way?

[Anonymous]

DH likes to be the good cop, and steps in almost every time I ask teen DC to pick up after themselves, feed the dog which they promised to as a condition of getting said dog, pack their own lunch. All the small things, no big deal, basic parenting stuff, but it often becomes a big deal when DH likes to step in and disagree with me and shows DC he is on their side. I don't scream or yell, yet DH makes me the villain when it's literally the kind of basic parenting happening every minute around the world. What do I do?

Can't get into a fight with DH every time, but also can't watch DC deteriorate and turn into an unreliable person with all sort of bad habits. 4 years later now DC still doesn't feed the dog consistently. My choices are: remind DC, which DH doesn't like and it becomes a fight, or I feed the dog even though DC promised to, or let the dog starve. If DH wasn't this way, I am convinced DC would have learned it and become automatic after 1 month. DH thinks he's a loving parent, but he's hurting the kid long term.

[Anonymous]

My DH also desperately wanted to be the good guy. I started saying things like "I don't know why dad thinks this is too hard for you. I think you can do it." That was very effective especially as my kid got older and they tired of all the babying by their dad. They've turned out ok.

Also, if DH is right there, why don't you just tell him he can be in charge of the dog? If they refuse to care for the dog and you don't want the dog, the dog should be rehomed.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. That sucks.

I am a stepmom and my husband thinks his late teen kids should do zero chores. I think it is really poor parenting. I've always thought that I was the mom I could have raised them to do better, but it had not occurred to me that even if I was the mom the dad might try to undercut me and be the good cop!

Hasn't he ever heard the phrase "happy wife happy life"??

He should be backing you up.

I think you should tell DH and the kid that you will no longer be caring for the dog and that if they don't step up and care for the dog, you will re home her.

[Anonymous]

OP here: problem is I love the dog even though it was not my idea to get her. Because I take care of it more than anyone else does now (DC promised to do the basic dog chores which would take perhaps 30 mins a day, but hasn't, after 4 years). I don't want the dog to starve, it's not fair. My issue is not that I have to feed the dog, that would be petty. My issue is it's something DC could have learned years ago, if not for having a father who normalized lack of accountability. The on-going message is: If DC doesn't do something they should, it's ok, we should let it slide. If I dare bring it up, then it's bad. My options are: fight with DH, or let DC learn you don't have to fulfill your commitments. I don't want either, what can I do so these aren't my only options?

[Anonymous]

Maybe for the dog you have fewer choices because it's a living creature that you love, but for other chores you can let them learn natural consequences?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried talking to your husband about why he does this? Not when your child is listening, but separately?

[Anonymous]

I agree with talking to your dh separately

You could also talk to your teen separately and tell her why you’re asking her to do things. Show her articles about how chores make teens happier and less anxious.

[Anonymous]

You and your DH need a serious discussion about your child’s chores. If your DH cannot agree to a list of chores or continues to intervene, I would insist on a marriage counseling. Everyone needs to have responsibilities in the home. Your DH is minimizing what you do everyday. This is hurting your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Relationship triangle not on square.

You have a marital issue that needs to be resolved with a professional that can help mediate this. At the end of the day, you’re not feeling respected by the person who is supposed to be your number one fan and teammate. You have this task of raising a child that you both share. For whatever reason, something is getting in the way of doing that together. Maybe your husband is pissed off at you because of some unresolved issues and sees this as a way to undermine you. Maybe he’s insecure and needs to feel like the good guy to your son. Who knows? You have to come together to unpack it with someone who can provide some accountability for you both.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t just about the dog but regarding the dog specifically, you shouldn’t have got a dog thinking a child would be the primary carer of the dog for its life with you. That is unrealistic.
Expecting a tween/teen to walk dog when asked, throw the ball outside for 10 mins, feed the dog when asked I think is reasonable. My tween loves our dog but wouldn’t think to do this without me asking.
Kids don’t realise how much work a dog is when they promise they’ll do it all.

[Anonymous]

I would argue with my husband. You have an obligation to make sure your kid is raised well. If that means I disagree with my spouse then so be it.

My husband and I parent slightly different but we believe the same basic things. Kids need chores and responsibility, kids need consequences.

Ideally you should have investigated your husband's values before you married him. I do have an adult cousin who hated his mom for having so many rules when his dad did not. He said his mom was not cool.

As an adult he thanks his mom. Weirdly he raises his kids the way his mom raised him, not his dad. Loving but not overly permissive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. That sucks.

I am a stepmom and my husband thinks his late teen kids should do zero chores. I think it is really poor parenting. I've always thought that I was the mom I could have raised them to do better, but it had not occurred to me that even if I was the mom the dad might try to undercut me and be the good cop!

Hasn't he ever heard the phrase "happy wife happy life"??

He should be backing you up.

I think you should tell DH and the kid that you will no longer be caring for the dog and that if they don't step up and care for the dog, you will re home her.

Why did you marry him if you disagree with his parenting? Serious question, this is always baffling to me.

[Anonymous]

You knew your DS was irresponsible. Getting a dog wasn't going to change that as you can see now. It just highlights how lazy and irresponsible he is. Re-home the dog, or else DH can takeover all dog responsibilities if he isn't going to get on the same page as you, and hold DS accountable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. That sucks.

I am a stepmom and my husband thinks his late teen kids should do zero chores. I think it is really poor parenting. I've always thought that I was the mom I could have raised them to do better, but it had not occurred to me that even if I was the mom the dad might try to undercut me and be the good cop!

Hasn't he ever heard the phrase "happy wife happy life"??

He should be backing you up.

I think you should tell DH and the kid that you will no longer be caring for the dog and that if they don't step up and care for the dog, you will re home her.

A hyphen is life or death here, literally

[Anonymous]

Mine does this as well. My sympathy to you. 23 years in and no amount of talking and therapy has changed this dynamic.