SAHM with both parents involved
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Anonymous
I’m a SAHM but the reverse of this is exactly our setup. I’m good at execution but my DH is much better at anticipation/planning so he is the one who signs the kids up for things and plans our vacations. He also is usually the one to take the kids back to school shopping or buy bigger shoes. He plays board/card games with the kids at night, and later I’ll read to them. He doesn’t get a huge “break” at home but as much as possible his time is available for our kids, and I do whatever cleaning/chores are left to be done (e.g. dinner and dishes). It’s a good set up. I would say he contributes significantly more than I do, but he seems happy and content with the way things are. |
Anonymous
| Depends on the age of the kids. If you have little infants and toddlers home all or most of the day, that's very different than a SAHM who has older kids in elementary school and above that mostly need help with transportation but are gone most of the day and can be left at home for an hour. |
Anonymous
Same. Plus DH takes the lead on DS's sports and cub scouts and was a assistant coach for his little league team for a couple years. |
Anonymous
I expect a H to do all these things except "house cleaning". But I also would be fine if you had someone else do your house cleaning. Also laundry, yard work (unless you hire someone), volunteering, school trips - a few not a lot (true for SAHM's too don't go to everything FFS), financial planning, taxes, bills, college visits, coaching or at least attending games, reading to kids, helping with homework, walking the dog, taking kids to doctor, meeting with teacher, shopping for xmas/birthdays, I'm sure i missed something. |
Anonymous
That is not involved that is ghost wisping through the house for a moment in time daily. |
Anonymous
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My mom was a mostly SAHM, my Dad a doctor.
We had a firm rule that the person who made dinner didn't wash dishes. That meant Dad, sis, and I did dishes together most nights, if Dad cooked/grilled, mom, sis and I did dishes. Sister and I did them so sometimes too. Mom and Dad split homework help depending in area. Dad helped us with math, mom with English/history. Dad mowed the lawn, mom gardened. Dad mostly took us to weekend activities, mom did weekdays. Mom packed lunches. Mom handled all the finances/bills/did the taxes. Mom did most of the shopping. My husband and I both work and we flow the "person who cooked doesn't do dishes" rule but we split dinner more evenly. |
Anonymous
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I would give a different answer if the SAHM has babies / toddlers at home all day vs kids are school age.
If kids aren't home during the day then I would expect SAHP to do everything that can be done during the day. Obviously things like driving kids to activities and bedtime can't be done during the day. Since the sahp is absolving themselves of all financial responsibility for their family and handing all responsbility for all aspects of life that require money (housing, food, activities, clothes, vacations, savings, cars etc etc) to the working person, I think they need to also take on a high level of responsibility themselves. I would expect a working parent to come home to a clean house, errands done, meals prepared but to help out in the evenings with activities or homework or bedtime etc to stay engaged with their kids. I also think both parents should have equal amounts of no responsbility time during the week to do as they please. So if a SAHP goes to they gym or to breakfast with friends etc during the day then the working parent should have equal amounts of time to do similar things in the evenings or on weekends. |
Anonymous
You're a SAHM and don't even contribute more than someone who works FT and makes all the money? |
Anonymous
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I am not quite a SAHM but work very part time (less than 15 hours a week while kid is in school) and am the primary parent. Here is what my DH does:
- Packs lunch and does school run two days a week when he is WFH. I help kid get ready on those days so DH can work during that time (which gives him leeway to do the school run). On other days DH leaves before kid is up and I do it all solo for both morning and evening. - Takes DC to swimming one evening a week and is in charge of everything associated with that activity -- that DC has the right gear, talking to instructors and school about progress or issues, ensuring DC showers afterwards, etc. - Helps with homework a couple nights a week. - Attends all performances/competitions and all parent-teacher conferences. - Is home solo with DC a few nights a month when I go to a class, work, or meet with friends. - Will take DC on an outing on the weekends if I have extra work (I freelance and set my own schedule but do have deadlines so this happens about once a month). Otherwise we do outings together as a family though DH and I will also give each other breaks if we need it. I handle all sick days, arrange all childcare including summer camps, schedule and budget for all activities, book all doctors and dentist appointments and usually take DC to these (occasionally DH will do the actual appointment and he does know all DC's doctors and dentist by name and is up to date on all issues), do all clothes and shoe shopping, book almost all playdates (occasionally the dads will communicate about a dad and kid outing and they handle that), and handle the bulk of family administrative, budgeting, and logistic planning (vacations, 529, birthday parties, buying appropriate furniture like a bigger bed, etc.). The most important thing is that DC feels supported and loved by both parents and comes to both of us with problems and trusts us both. DC definitely comes to me more at this point and I perform more of an emotional support role (and am better suited to that) but we constantly work on this and really emphasize 1:1 between DH and DC and developing strong communication and a strong bond. They have stuff they only do together that I am not involved in, they have inside jokes, they have a unique dynamic that doesn't need to be mediated or pushed by me. And that's what I think matters. I didn't have any of that with my dad as a kid and I believe it has been very detrimental to me as an adult. So this is something we've really focused on and I think we've done a good job. It was definitely something I worried about when I decided to quit my full time job, but I think it's worked out really well. |
Anonymous
Correct. You seem confused. |
Anonymous
Lots of men and women are a bit useless at being good parents / spouses and the other one has to pick up the slack. It isn't that uncommon for one person to take on more of the responsibility as they married someone who isn't an equal partner and doesn't pull their weight |
Anonymous
I'm SAHM homeschooler kids 7, 4, 2. Sending the kids away for 6 hours a day would feel like a vacation. I wouldn't know what to do with the free time (ok lets be real here, I'd be hitting refresh on DCUM) I do the bulk of kids stuff. My husband does 1/2 dishes 1/4 housework, 80% of laundry. I used to do everything but as additional kids joined the mix I started running out of time in the day and DH stepped up. |
Anonymous
“Contributions” include financial contributions. So oftentimes: financial + kid stuff > cooking + cleaning + kid stuff SAHPs who contribute *equally* to their families are often doing the vast majority of the child raising, which isn’t how most modern families want to structure their lives. (i.e. most families want both parents involved in the kids’ lives) In my case, my DH earns the money PLUS he does a ton with the kids (and doesn’t consider it “picking up the slack” because he actually WANTS to spend time with them) AND he treats me like gold, which leaves me feeling like I won the lottery. The fact that he contributes more doesn’t mean I am a bad (useless) parent or spouse. I am just an incredibly lucky spouse. Hope this helps! |
Anonymous
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I’m a SAHM. I do all that, except the kids take out the trash.
DH never misses a concert, teacher conference or game. He likes to cook on Sundays. Most importantly, we both think our set up is best for the kids and we both think we have the better deal. So no resentment and very flexible to changing things as needed. |
Anonymous
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I work 3 days a week and here’s our breakdown
Kids activities - signup and rides ME mostly (DH does 5 percent of rides) Kids academic enrichment. ME Cooking meals ME Packing school lunch ME House cleaning ME (& biweekly cleaners) Dishes ME Taking trash out BOTH Planning vacations Mostly me (Dh buys flights) Kids bath and bedtimes ME |