Tired of Having to Be the Bad Guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same situation here op. We made a list and now im not the bad guy and he can see we agreed on it. Now hes saying no just as much a I am he just needed to see it.

OP here. Hoping that the list does the trick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP had me until this comment:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been looking at houses for a long time and hope to find something so we can move out of our rental. DH keeps showing me houses that have some crucial aspect missing that we need like off-street parking, is on a busy road, not in a flood zone, etc. He’s getting frustrated when I point these things out, but those are issues that are non-negotiable. I’m tired of having to be the bad guy explaining why these listings wouldn’t work for us. Anyone else sick of having to be the adult in this situation?

What a nasty attitude to have about your spouse.

I agree with this. Your spouse is an adult and finding home to look at but you keep saying no. Go look at them if they have an open! We did this! Even homes we would never buy we went to
see to get an idea of what we liked and didn’t like.

Maybe you both could do this look at open houses this weekend and you each pick 1-2 that you both must go see. If you have kids get a sitter. Grab a meal or coffee after and talk about what you liked/ didn’t like about each.

We bought a home we saw at an open house and didn’t think we’d buy! The more we saw the more we knew what we wanted. That being said don’t go to homes that are out of budget because then things get warped. Stay in your budget so you know what you can actually afford and go from there.

I wanted to stay in one area but we looked in other areas close by. We ended up staying where we wanted but realized that if we wanted more house we would have to move and we rather stay in our area but it was good to at least see that 20 minute drive away we could buy double the house for the same price!!

+1
Great advice.
Prep work pays off. We started going to open houses in our target neighborhoods as soon as the spring market started in January. We still had to get a realtor, prepare our finances and get our house ready for sale etc but we saw every promising property. It helped us figure out what we really wanted, what we could live without, chat with the listing agents and the red flags to watch for. When our current house came on the market we were able to act immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been looking at houses for a long time and hope to find something so we can move out of our rental. DH keeps showing me houses that have some crucial aspect missing that we need like off-street parking, is on a busy road, not in a flood zone, etc. He’s getting frustrated when I point these things out, but those are issues that are non-negotiable. I’m tired of having to be the bad guy explaining why these listings wouldn’t work for us. Anyone else sick of having to be the adult in this situation?

Are you sure some are in the flood zone? Sometimes online it says it is but really isn’t so you should be checking other sources.

Also, you can’t always get what you want in your budget so it might be good to go look at some of these homes so you get an idea.

Look in different neighborhoods and areas. We stayed in our neighborhood but are a little farther out. When we rented it took us 10 minutes to walk to certain places that now take 20-25 minutes. My husband also wanted a garage and we ended up with parking but no garage (we could build one). We wanted a particular area and were not willing to compromise on that but we had the funds to buy in that area.

Also we bought a corner lot and one side is double yellow and it’s totally fine. I would have thought if I didn’t go look at the home that I would live on a double yellow. After viewing it and speaking to neighbors I’m really happy where we live. For some reason it is not that busy.

I would recommend seeing homes even ones you say you might not want. The home we bought my husband online said no but in person he saw the potential and the amazing neighborhood. He actually loves it more than me now. So I would say go look at homes at open houses to get an idea.

Double yellows is not something i would take a chance on.

Good for you? We haven’t had any issues and my friends who are on side streets have had more issues with speeding and actual racing and there kids think they are totally safe. We live on a corner with a double yellow but have the yard fenced and my kids know to be careful/ stay in sidewalk. As people say above you don’t always get what you want and we wanted a particular nice area so we had to make concessions.

We are not on a double yellow street but I agree with this - I think my quiet street gives everyone a false sense of security. Given how distracted many drivers are, I do worry there will be an accident at some point. I wouldn’t want to give on a street with two lanes in each direction, but I’d be ok with a double yellow if it got me other things I wanted (big fenced yard, good schools, shorter commute). OP if there is nothing that meets your criteria in your price range, you may have to compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP had me until this comment:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been looking at houses for a long time and hope to find something so we can move out of our rental. DH keeps showing me houses that have some crucial aspect missing that we need like off-street parking, is on a busy road, not in a flood zone, etc. He’s getting frustrated when I point these things out, but those are issues that are non-negotiable. I’m tired of having to be the bad guy explaining why these listings wouldn’t work for us. Anyone else sick of having to be the adult in this situation?

What a nasty attitude to have about your spouse.

+1

…and saying that makes me think she isn’t really the adult she thinks she is.

If she doesn’t like the options he is finding then she needs to identify some alternatives that meet her requirements.

If she is sitting back and vetoing every option he identifies without contributing any options she likes that is going to get old very quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define “flood zone”. Those aren’t particularly common in the DC metro area so repeatedly having a problem is odd.

A busy street is non-negotiable? Thousands of people compromised on this across the region.

It seems he’s willing to negotiate on these issues but you’re not. So you’re “always the bad guy” because these are your issues, not his.

I’m guessing they have young kids and a busy road is scary and dangerous, and he’s a clueless dad who leaves her to manage kids and coral them out of traffic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frame it in terms of “resale value” being harmed by the negative factors. That makes it less about your wish list and more about your joint financial future.

Absolutely. These are all inherent defects that can not be remedied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The chance that you will be able to find a house that meets every single one of your prerequisites is close to zero. You have to accept that you will not find a unicorn and go from there. It sounds like you're the one who needs this advice, not him.

That’s ridiculous, her list is very reasonable.

Off street parking?

Busy road?

Not flooding.

This is like very basic not terrible house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:depending on where you are looking, off-street parking isn't always realistic.

However, some properties might allow for you to build it later. This makes it much more negotiable. Some properties might be easy, some places might require a retaining wall and engineering, and some places it might be totally impossible.

Busy roads will get busier, flood zones won’t change, but some items aren’t so set in stone.

Off street parking requires curb cutout which many places make nigh impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been looking at houses for a long time and hope to find something so we can move out of our rental. DH keeps showing me houses that have some crucial aspect missing that we need like off-street parking, is on a busy road, not in a flood zone, etc. He’s getting frustrated when I point these things out, but those are issues that are non-negotiable. I’m tired of having to be the bad guy explaining why these listings wouldn’t work for us. Anyone else sick of having to be the adult in this situation?

Are you sure some are in the flood zone? Sometimes online it says it is but really isn’t so you should be checking other sources.

Also, you can’t always get what you want in your budget so it might be good to go look at some of these homes so you get an idea.

Look in different neighborhoods and areas. We stayed in our neighborhood but are a little farther out. When we rented it took us 10 minutes to walk to certain places that now take 20-25 minutes. My husband also wanted a garage and we ended up with parking but no garage (we could build one). We wanted a particular area and were not willing to compromise on that but we had the funds to buy in that area.

Also we bought a corner lot and one side is double yellow and it’s totally fine. I would have thought if I didn’t go look at the home that I would live on a double yellow. After viewing it and speaking to neighbors I’m really happy where we live. For some reason it is not that busy.

I would recommend seeing homes even ones you say you might not want. The home we bought my husband online said no but in person he saw the potential and the amazing neighborhood. He actually loves it more than me now. So I would say go look at homes at open houses to get an idea.

Double yellows is not something i would take a chance on.

Good for you? We haven’t had any issues and my friends who are on side streets have had more issues with speeding and actual racing and there kids think they are totally safe. We live on a corner with a double yellow but have the yard fenced and my kids know to be careful/ stay in sidewalk. As people say above you don’t always get what you want and we wanted a particular nice area so we had to make concessions.

I assume your driveway and entry you normally use is on the quiet street. That’s the only way it’s feasible.

[Anonymous]

In regards to a flood zone, if you have flood insurance and don’t have a basement, it shouldn’t be a big deal. Flood insurance is probably about $50-$100 a month at most. Obviously if a place has actually been flooded in the past that is significant but that isn’t the case with most houses that are technically in flood zones

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The chance that you will be able to find a house that meets every single one of your prerequisites is close to zero. You have to accept that you will not find a unicorn and go from there. It sounds like you're the one who needs this advice, not him.

That’s ridiculous, her list is very reasonable.

Off street parking?

Busy road?

Not flooding.

This is like very basic not terrible house.

It's very reasonable if she's looking at exurban hinterlands where there's nothing but soul-killing cul-de-sacs. It's not very reasonable if she wants something close-in at a reasonable price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The chance that you will be able to find a house that meets every single one of your prerequisites is close to zero. You have to accept that you will not find a unicorn and go from there. It sounds like you're the one who needs this advice, not him.

That’s ridiculous, her list is very reasonable.

Off street parking?

Busy road?

Not flooding.

This is like very basic not terrible house.

It's very reasonable if she's looking at exurban hinterlands where there's nothing but soul-killing cul-de-sacs. It's not very reasonable if she wants something close-in at a reasonable price.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was me and my DH 10 years ago and you have my sympathy OP. My DH was always so impressed with shiny features on flipped homes that he would overlook pretty crucial factors (ex: one home had no real living room space, as in nowhere to place a basic 3 seater sofa!). This went on and on.

Frankly, you’re just going to have to find the home OP.

This. My dh and I are both very conservative. I was stunned at how quickly my conservative, bean counter husband would lose his mind over a disaster of a home that had shiny features. Twice I threatened to leave him. We had an agent who we found out later was having financial problems and she wanted us to buy anything as quickly as possible. She lied to us about one of the houses and pushed us to put in an offer. One house had an insane amount of damage the interior decorator owner had tried to cover up. He was ready to put an offer in on anther house that had a wet basement with pulled up rugs the owner had left in the basement. The back yard was like a lake and it hadn't rained recently.

Some people lose their minds and won't see what is in front of them. Their emotional response can lead to very bad decisions. I get fed up with having to be the adult as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been looking at houses for a long time and hope to find something so we can move out of our rental. DH keeps showing me houses that have some crucial aspect missing that we need like off-street parking, is on a busy road, not in a flood zone, etc. He’s getting frustrated when I point these things out, but those are issues that are non-negotiable. I’m tired of having to be the bad guy explaining why these listings wouldn’t work for us. Anyone else sick of having to be the adult in this situation?

Are you sure some are in the flood zone? Sometimes online it says it is but really isn’t so you should be checking other sources.

Also, you can’t always get what you want in your budget so it might be good to go look at some of these homes so you get an idea.

Look in different neighborhoods and areas. We stayed in our neighborhood but are a little farther out. When we rented it took us 10 minutes to walk to certain places that now take 20-25 minutes. My husband also wanted a garage and we ended up with parking but no garage (we could build one). We wanted a particular area and were not willing to compromise on that but we had the funds to buy in that area.

Also we bought a corner lot and one side is double yellow and it’s totally fine. I would have thought if I didn’t go look at the home that I would live on a double yellow. After viewing it and speaking to neighbors I’m really happy where we live. For some reason it is not that busy.

I would recommend seeing homes even ones you say you might not want. The home we bought my husband online said no but in person he saw the potential and the amazing neighborhood. He actually loves it more than me now. So I would say go look at homes at open houses to get an idea.

Double yellows is not something i would take a chance on.

Good for you? We haven’t had any issues and my friends who are on side streets have had more issues with speeding and actual racing and there kids think they are totally safe. We live on a corner with a double yellow but have the yard fenced and my kids know to be careful/ stay in sidewalk. As people say above you don’t always get what you want and we wanted a particular nice area so we had to make concessions.

I assume your driveway and entry you normally use is on the quiet street. That’s the only way it’s feasible.

OMFG. Do you think all those single family homes on double yellow roads are filled with people with no kids? Yes, it is possible for kids to live in a house on a road with a double yellow road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been looking at houses for a long time and hope to find something so we can move out of our rental. DH keeps showing me houses that have some crucial aspect missing that we need like off-street parking, is on a busy road, not in a flood zone, etc. He’s getting frustrated when I point these things out, but those are issues that are non-negotiable. I’m tired of having to be the bad guy explaining why these listings wouldn’t work for us. Anyone else sick of having to be the adult in this situation?

Are you sure some are in the flood zone? Sometimes online it says it is but really isn’t so you should be checking other sources.

Also, you can’t always get what you want in your budget so it might be good to go look at some of these homes so you get an idea.

Look in different neighborhoods and areas. We stayed in our neighborhood but are a little farther out. When we rented it took us 10 minutes to walk to certain places that now take 20-25 minutes. My husband also wanted a garage and we ended up with parking but no garage (we could build one). We wanted a particular area and were not willing to compromise on that but we had the funds to buy in that area.

Also we bought a corner lot and one side is double yellow and it’s totally fine. I would have thought if I didn’t go look at the home that I would live on a double yellow. After viewing it and speaking to neighbors I’m really happy where we live. For some reason it is not that busy.

I would recommend seeing homes even ones you say you might not want. The home we bought my husband online said no but in person he saw the potential and the amazing neighborhood. He actually loves it more than me now. So I would say go look at homes at open houses to get an idea.

Double yellows is not something i would take a chance on.

Good for you? We haven’t had any issues and my friends who are on side streets have had more issues with speeding and actual racing and there kids think they are totally safe. We live on a corner with a double yellow but have the yard fenced and my kids know to be careful/ stay in sidewalk. As people say above you don’t always get what you want and we wanted a particular nice area so we had to make concessions.

I assume your driveway and entry you normally use is on the quiet street. That’s the only way it’s feasible.

OMFG. Do you think all those single family homes on double yellow roads are filled with people with no kids? Yes, it is possible for kids to live in a house on a road with a double yellow road.

It's fascinating that so many people on here -- some of whom, I'm guessing, have advanced educational degrees -- become such utter simpletons anytime they have to think about a road that gets more than five cars per hour. They think anything with more traffic than a cul-de-sac is the equivalent of the Beltway. Such rubes.