When your 20 yr old is a bully

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you should have set more firm boundaries earlier in her life. Why does she think she can persist until you give up?

Like I said, I am just venting. DCUM is a safe space to vent. When you set clear boundaries, there is always resistance. I am an only parent and have shouldered being a mom, dad, and sibling for at least 10 years.

How are you the sibling?

It’s figurative. I am the older sister that she never had. For example, we play competitive soccer together now. We are teammates. It brings in a different dynamic than being a parent.

There’s your problem.

So it’s ok to shit on her teammates and her mom? Shouldn’t she be nice to everyone? Guaranteed how she treats her mom is an example of how she treats others. She may tone it down a bit because he friends will drop her in the way her mom can’t. But she does this because it works.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you didn't describe the situation clearly, OP. Is the problem that you absolutely want to eat dinner with her, but it needs to be at a later time than what she wants? Or is the problem that whenever you two disagree, she tends to put a whole lot of pressure on you and you don't like the way she implements that? If it's the former, it makes you look petty.

If it's the latter, you two have communication incompatibility, and that makes it a shared issue you need to work on together. You would need to tell her, at a time when you two are not fighting, that you are uncomfortable with her communication style when she's trying to get her way. That she's too aggressive and it puts your back up and makes you less amenable to complying with her wishes, so in essence her habit of pressuring you, sabotages her intention of persuading you. She might need to explore that with a therapist. You also might benefit from working with a therapist to understand why you react negatively when she starts doing that. There must be a whole history there, where you each default to methods of communication and emotional responses that spiral into more negativity than the situation calls for.

Because when you look at it objectively, what's the big deal with eating at 6pm tonight? None. But if you start thinking "OMG, she always gets her way and doesn't consider my wishes and she's so selfish, etc, etc" then of course you're going to get upset and start pushing back for no rational reason.

BTW, teens and young adults are massively selfish. It's an obligatory phase they go through. They need constant reminders to consider their parents' needs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you didn't describe the situation clearly, OP. Is the problem that you absolutely want to eat dinner with her, but it needs to be at a later time than what she wants? Or is the problem that whenever you two disagree, she tends to put a whole lot of pressure on you and you don't like the way she implements that? If it's the former, it makes you look petty.

If it's the latter, you two have communication incompatibility, and that makes it a shared issue you need to work on together. You would need to tell her, at a time when you two are not fighting, that you are uncomfortable with her communication style when she's trying to get her way. That she's too aggressive and it puts your back up and makes you less amenable to complying with her wishes, so in essence her habit of pressuring you, sabotages her intention of persuading you. She might need to explore that with a therapist. You also might benefit from working with a therapist to understand why you react negatively when she starts doing that. There must be a whole history there, where you each default to methods of communication and emotional responses that spiral into more negativity than the situation calls for.

Because when you look at it objectively, what's the big deal with eating at 6pm tonight? None. But if you start thinking "OMG, she always gets her way and doesn't consider my wishes and she's so selfish, etc, etc" then of course you're going to get upset and start pushing back for no rational reason.

BTW, teens and young adults are massively selfish. It's an obligatory phase they go through. They need constant reminders to consider their parents' needs

OP here. Thank you for your response. My issue is with the latter. Your suggestions are very helpful. As for more info, her father (my ex) suffers from bipolar disorder and has anger issues, and sometimes I see glimpses of his aggressive behavior in hers. She often checks herself, and apologizes when she calms down. I just don’t like how it makes me feel when she directs that anger towards me in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Let her have fun with friends on new year's eve and you two can go for dinner on first day of the new year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you didn't describe the situation clearly, OP. Is the problem that you absolutely want to eat dinner with her, but it needs to be at a later time than what she wants? Or is the problem that whenever you two disagree, she tends to put a whole lot of pressure on you and you don't like the way she implements that? If it's the former, it makes you look petty.

If it's the latter, you two have communication incompatibility, and that makes it a shared issue you need to work on together. You would need to tell her, at a time when you two are not fighting, that you are uncomfortable with her communication style when she's trying to get her way. That she's too aggressive and it puts your back up and makes you less amenable to complying with her wishes, so in essence her habit of pressuring you, sabotages her intention of persuading you. She might need to explore that with a therapist. You also might benefit from working with a therapist to understand why you react negatively when she starts doing that. There must be a whole history there, where you each default to methods of communication and emotional responses that spiral into more negativity than the situation calls for.

Because when you look at it objectively, what's the big deal with eating at 6pm tonight? None. But if you start thinking "OMG, she always gets her way and doesn't consider my wishes and she's so selfish, etc, etc" then of course you're going to get upset and start pushing back for no rational reason.

BTW, teens and young adults are massively selfish. It's an obligatory phase they go through. They need constant reminders to consider their parents' needs

OP here. Thank you for your response. My issue is with the latter. Your suggestions are very helpful. As for more info, her father (my ex) suffers from bipolar disorder and has anger issues, and sometimes I see glimpses of his aggressive behavior in hers. She often checks herself, and apologizes when she calms down. I just don’t like how it makes me feel when she directs that anger towards me in the moment.

PP you replied to. If one of her bio parents has bipolar disorder, then she's at risk of developing the same disease, or having subclinical tendencies, as you said. A CBT therapist would be very helpful, so that she can learn to be more self-aware in the moment and develop new habits when trying to get her way. It's great that she can apologize afterward. She's not that far gone, but it would be even better if she could actively work on not getting worse, and hopefully communicate in a more respectful way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you should have set more firm boundaries earlier in her life. Why does she think she can persist until you give up?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you didn't describe the situation clearly, OP. Is the problem that you absolutely want to eat dinner with her, but it needs to be at a later time than what she wants? Or is the problem that whenever you two disagree, she tends to put a whole lot of pressure on you and you don't like the way she implements that? If it's the former, it makes you look petty.

If it's the latter, you two have communication incompatibility, and that makes it a shared issue you need to work on together. You would need to tell her, at a time when you two are not fighting, that you are uncomfortable with her communication style when she's trying to get her way. That she's too aggressive and it puts your back up and makes you less amenable to complying with her wishes, so in essence her habit of pressuring you, sabotages her intention of persuading you. She might need to explore that with a therapist. You also might benefit from working with a therapist to understand why you react negatively when she starts doing that. There must be a whole history there, where you each default to methods of communication and emotional responses that spiral into more negativity than the situation calls for.

Because when you look at it objectively, what's the big deal with eating at 6pm tonight? None. But if you start thinking "OMG, she always gets her way and doesn't consider my wishes and she's so selfish, etc, etc" then of course you're going to get upset and start pushing back for no rational reason.

BTW, teens and young adults are massively selfish. It's an obligatory phase they go through. They need constant reminders to consider their parents' needs

OP here. Thank you for your response. My issue is with the latter. Your suggestions are very helpful. As for more info, her father (my ex) suffers from bipolar disorder and has anger issues, and sometimes I see glimpses of his aggressive behavior in hers. She often checks herself, and apologizes when she calms down. I just don’t like how it makes me feel when she directs that anger towards me in the moment.

PP you replied to. If one of her bio parents has bipolar disorder, then she's at risk of developing the same disease, or having subclinical tendencies, as you said. A CBT therapist would be very helpful, so that she can learn to be more self-aware in the moment and develop new habits when trying to get her way. It's great that she can apologize afterward. She's not that far gone, but it would be even better if she could actively work on not getting worse, and hopefully communicate in a more respectful way.

Thank you PP

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound rigid. Try to be more flexible and accommodating.