When your 20 yr old is a bully

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way she treats you is not the way she treats the rest of the world. Maybe you just don't have a great relationship.

And how do you know? I have seen the way she treats her university roommate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you should have set more firm boundaries earlier in her life. Why does she think she can persist until you give up?

Like I said, I am just venting. DCUM is a safe space to vent. When you set clear boundaries, there is always resistance. I am an only parent and have shouldered being a mom, dad, and sibling for at least 10 years.

How are you the sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you should have set more firm boundaries earlier in her life. Why does she think she can persist until you give up?

Like I said, I am just venting. DCUM is a safe space to vent. When you set clear boundaries, there is always resistance. I am an only parent and have shouldered being a mom, dad, and sibling for at least 10 years.

How are you the sibling?

It’s figurative. I am the older sister that she never had. For example, we play competitive soccer together now. We are teammates. It brings in a different dynamic than being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you should have set more firm boundaries earlier in her life. Why does she think she can persist until you give up?

Like I said, I am just venting. DCUM is a safe space to vent. When you set clear boundaries, there is always resistance. I am an only parent and have shouldered being a mom, dad, and sibling for at least 10 years.

How are you the sibling?

It’s figurative. I am the older sister that she never had. For example, we play competitive soccer together now. We are teammates. It brings in a different dynamic than being a parent.

There’s your problem.

[Anonymous]

You want to be her sister when it’s the camaraderie of soccer but a mom when you demand respect. She’s likely confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want to be her sister when it’s the camaraderie of soccer but a mom when you demand respect. She’s likely confused.

I don’t want to be her sister! We found a healthy activity to bond over in order to spend time together.

[Anonymous]

Wait until she has children. Children eat dinner very early. You’ll never have dinner with your grandchildren if she thinks you’re difficult about early dinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way she treats you is not the way she treats the rest of the world. Maybe you just don't have a great relationship.

And how do you know? I have seen the way she treats her university roommate.

Hence the word "maybe".

[Anonymous]

When she pushed back on the time (because she has plans later), the logical response would be to schedule a dinner later in the week. It’s dinner, why is this a big deal? Another question, is she your REAL sister?

[Anonymous]

You sound like the difficult one.

This is how that conversation should’ve gone.

Hey, do you wanna grab dinner on New Year’s Eve?

Yeah, sure that would be great. Can we eat around five or six so I can get back early plus I’m gonna be starving after my workout.

Yeah, that sounds great. I’ll make reservations.

But you were difficult and rigid, so that doesn’t fit into your imaginary plan in your head. How about this you eat a late breakfast and skip lunch so that you’re hungry earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s pretty rude. OP doesn’t have to take her out for a nice dinner at all. If her plans are incompatible with the invitation, she should just say that and decline.

You think the daughter wants to go to dinner with her mom on New Year’s Eve?

No, the daughter’s being polite because the mom has no other life.

[Anonymous]

Two adults compromise. A healthy adult relationship isn't where you make demands she must accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you should have set more firm boundaries earlier in her life. Why does she think she can persist until you give up?

This and I speak from experience. You offered dinner out. It doesn't suit her needs. Say fine and go by yourself. Enjoy yourself. She will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

As the mom, I’m the flexible one. My teen and I had plans yesterday and they asked if we could shift and because I could, I did. It’s no skin off my back.

The time for dinner means nothing to me. If I know we are eating early I’ll have a light lunch. If I know we are eating late I’ll plan a well-timed snack.

Why is she the bully? This is not a good example. Maybe you’re controlling and she’s finally pushing back? Just adjust your dinner time—what’s the big deal?

[Anonymous]

TBH you both sound like control freaks