The patents of my DD’s boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. If they love their son and see him in love with someone likable, why wouldn't they encourage it? If man's parents try to keep it low interest, women or their families would be upset about that and hold it against them forever.

I the parents should be as polite as they would with any other friend of their child’s, pre-engagement . That way they appear neutral and the adult child is making all decisions about the future of the relationship.

When parents embrace the girlfriend as a family member early on, it is trying to influence things inappropriately.

Not necessarily. If they seem serious, parents may only want to build a good rapport as women tend to be sensitive about these things and hold grudges if they feel they they weren't weclcomed.

Why are you comfortable posting sexist descriptions of people you have never met?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. If they love their son and see him in love with someone likable, why wouldn't they encourage it? If man's parents try to keep it low interest, women or their families would be upset about that and hold it against them forever.

I the parents should be as polite as they would with any other friend of their child’s, pre-engagement . That way they appear neutral and the adult child is making all decisions about the future of the relationship.

When parents embrace the girlfriend as a family member early on, it is trying to influence things inappropriately.

Not necessarily. If they seem serious, parents may only want to build a good rapport as women tend to be sensitive about these things and hold grudges if they feel they they weren't weclcomed.

Why are you comfortable posting sexist descriptions of people you have never met?

Probably from collective impressions from replies on this forum, it goes without saying that individual experiences vary.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, men too can remember bad impressions or keep grudges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. If they love their son and see him in love with someone likable, why wouldn't they encourage it? If man's parents try to keep it low interest, women or their families would be upset about that and hold it against them forever.

I the parents should be as polite as they would with any other friend of their child’s, pre-engagement . That way they appear neutral and the adult child is making all decisions about the future of the relationship.

When parents embrace the girlfriend as a family member early on, it is trying to influence things inappropriately.

Not necessarily. If they seem serious, parents may only want to build a good rapport as women tend to be sensitive about these things and hold grudges if they feel they they weren't weclcomed.

Why are you comfortable posting sexist descriptions of people you have never met?

Probably from collective impressions from replies on this forum, it goes without saying that individual experiences vary.

But in most instances people on DCUM don’t announce their genders. So your biases are allowed to just echo in your brain.

[Anonymous]

Are you saying they are narcissists and this will turn into torture?
Or are they just being super nice to her?
If the latter, would you them rather be nasty to her?

[Anonymous]

Anyone with sons knows that future DIL will exert most of the control in terms of visiting and access to grand kids.

It’s in our best interests to treat our DIL well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying they are narcissists and this will turn into torture?
Or are they just being super nice to her?
If the latter, would you them rather be nasty to her?

Many parents find it difficult to see their kids becoming part of another family too. They fear it would weaken their bond with birth family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying they are narcissists and this will turn into torture?
Or are they just being super nice to her?
If the latter, would you them rather be nasty to her?

I would prefer that they wait until she is actually engaged to their son before they start treating her like his fiancée.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying they are narcissists and this will turn into torture?
Or are they just being super nice to her?
If the latter, would you them rather be nasty to her?

I would prefer that they wait until she is actually engaged to their son before they start treating her like his fiancée.

What are they doing? Paying her tuition?

[Anonymous]

I don't get what they are doing wrong? What do you consider love bombing specifically? Could it just be that they are nice people treating her kindly?

[Anonymous]

The OP is not talking about being a kind and welcoming parent, she is talking about a potential MIL who offers monetary gifts like vacations bait. Not a visit our beach house for the weekend, but a European vacation. I asked the OP if her DD declined an invitation, how does the parent react? Would they keep pushing, do they get their DS to reinforce? What comes off as nice, has an undercurrent of control.

Where are the posters who have MIL’s who lay great guilt on their son and DIL’s time even though the DIL has a family of their own? It started at some point and you let it slide.

[Anonymous]

Maybe his family just has a different relationship with their children than yours?

My in-laws are very inclusive of their adult children’s partners. Pre-marriage, we were all included on vacations (paid for by them), invited to weddings, included in pictures on the Christmas card, etc. They are generous with their time and resources and it’s not love bombing or insincere. They just welcome every significant other as a full member of the family unless told otherwise - one sister has had 3 or 4 serious BFs before her current husband. It’s really nice considering my prior serious relationships involved families where I felt like I was auditioning to earn a spot for years and could tell from their treatment of other sibling’s SOs that even after marriage I would never be a full fledged family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP is not talking about being a kind and welcoming parent, she is talking about a potential MIL who offers monetary gifts like vacations bait. Not a visit our beach house for the weekend, but a European vacation. I asked the OP if her DD declined an invitation, how does the parent react? Would they keep pushing, do they get their DS to reinforce? What comes off as nice, has an undercurrent of control.

Where are the posters who have MIL’s who lay great guilt on their son and DIL’s time even though the DIL has a family of their own? It started at some point and you let it slide.

No, this is what op wrote: "Just now one year. He is a student. But for months they have wanted her there for all holidays, join family vacations , give gifts, etc"

I do this with my ds's girlfriend and her family does this with him too. Everyone is very mindful of the other family: She came to our Christmas, and ds went to hers. And ds got a gift from her parents, and vice versa. I really don't see what the problem is here. She's also coming to Europe with us to visit extended family, and then ds is going to her parents' country (also Europe). This is how our family has always done things. In my brother's case it was several girlfriends over the years until he got married. It is being kind and inclusive. I have a distant mil and I don't want to be that way playing games of "will I ever be in her good graces?". I want to always be nice, no matter what the outcome is. It's perfectly fine (obviously!) if they don't get married, but in the present, what is the harm in including her? And I also don't see how it relates to career choices at all. If anything, a stable relationship is a lot better for concentrating on work than constant dating.

[Anonymous]

OP, all you can do is hope that your DD has had a good role model in the relationship you provided. If SHE is uncomfortable with the “kindness” of the in laws, then you can listen. This is not your problem.

I do wonder about the patents … that could be a nice passive income for then new couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are love bombing her!

Really, it is her first serious relations (though she is in her twenties). I want her to take it slow, and focus on her future career, but I feel like they are really laying it on thick. It makes me think they want to lock her down, because their son is unlikely to do better.

Is there any chance that they actually like your daughter because you have raised a very good person?