It's been 12 years since FIL passed away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he an adult? Is he coming by himself or with a partner and/or any kids?

I’m petty, so I would respond “yes, I’m sure. Sorry about 2012, when Fred died. I know that was inconvenient for you.”

I would absolutely say this.

[Anonymous]

We had something similar happen where we had to bail on hosting.

But family was already en route across the country- so we left them keys and told them to treat our house like an Air BnB. It was far from ideal. But it would have been difficult for them to change their travel plans mid-trip at the holidays.

I know travel issues don’t rank up there with a death in the family, but I would lead with empathy and just say something like “that’s the plan”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd respond with "I guess not if someone unexpectedly is dying and dies again. But the good news is if you come and it's your turn to die, I can guarantee I will be here for you!" but my family has that type of humour when someone acts like a rude boor.

This is the best one by far! Humor is way to go, don’t sink to his level or get in the weeds, you won’t change him.

[Anonymous]

I completely ignore the person who does this. I mean zero reaction.

Example: MIL just told me how to wash dishes. Then, they told my spouse. “Use hot water and dish soap.” I mean, wtf?

Ignore, ignore. It’s an animal training technique that works on humans.

Hard to do on the phone but not impossible.

There are times when it’s better NOT to ignore though and it can be tricky to know which is best. Worth a try though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And please don't be rude or petty. You don't know what he was dealing with back then or even now, OP. It's better to be kind.

He's still bemoaning what he went through 20+ years ago. It was awful, nobody died, and it's been 20+ years. He doesn't really move past anything.

I'm just annoyed.

You said 12 years ago and now it's 20? Ok.

You're confused.

- FIL passed away 12 years ago.

- My brother had his own issues 20+ years ago. He still hasn't dealt with those issues.

So why invite him for Christmas? It sounds like you'll all be happier if you just do your own thing.

[Anonymous]

Don’t go. Why go to narc for the holidays?

[Anonymous]

I would say, "I know that one time from 12 years ago when there was a death still bothers you, so if you want more stable plans feel free to go somewhere else. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And please don't be rude or petty. You don't know what he was dealing with back then or even now, OP. It's better to be kind.

He's still bemoaning what he went through 20+ years ago. It was awful, nobody died, and it's been 20+ years. He doesn't really move past anything.

I'm just annoyed.

You said 12 years ago and now it's 20? Ok.

You're confused.

- FIL passed away 12 years ago.

- My brother had his own issues 20+ years ago. He still hasn't dealt with those issues.

So why invite him for Christmas? It sounds like you'll all be happier if you just do your own thing.

This. I don’t understand why you’re putting yourself to one iota of work for this manchild?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And please don't be rude or petty. You don't know what he was dealing with back then or even now, OP. It's better to be kind.

He's still bemoaning what he went through 20+ years ago. It was awful, nobody died, and it's been 20+ years. He doesn't really move past anything.

I'm just annoyed.

You said 12 years ago and now it's 20? Ok.

You're confused.

- FIL passed away 12 years ago.

- My brother had his own issues 20+ years ago. He still hasn't dealt with those issues.

So why invite him for Christmas? It sounds like you'll all be happier if you just do your own thing.

This. I don’t understand why you’re putting yourself to one iota of work for this manchild?

Op here. Our mom was hoping he would come if I asked.

He never did say anything. He can wallow. Our parents can make their own arrangements to see him. I'm done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had something similar happen where we had to bail on hosting.

But family was already en route across the country- so we left them keys and told them to treat our house like an Air BnB. It was far from ideal. But it would have been difficult for them to change their travel plans mid-trip at the holidays.

I know travel issues don’t rank up there with a death in the family, but I would lead with empathy and just say something like “that’s the plan”.

We offered for them to still have Christmas here. He didn't want to. They were not traveling when they were notified, they hadn't even packed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And please don't be rude or petty. You don't know what he was dealing with back then or even now, OP. It's better to be kind.

—BoyMom

Dear BoyMom,
It's obvious it's your fault that your "Boy" grew into someone without empathy or self-awareness. No wonder he's still called a boy and not a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And please don't be rude or petty. You don't know what he was dealing with back then or even now, OP. It's better to be kind.

He's still bemoaning what he went through 20+ years ago. It was awful, nobody died, and it's been 20+ years. He doesn't really move past anything.

I'm just annoyed.

You said 12 years ago and now it's 20? Ok.

You're confused.

- FIL passed away 12 years ago.

- My brother had his own issues 20+ years ago. He still hasn't dealt with those issues.

So why invite him for Christmas? It sounds like you'll all be happier if you just do your own thing.

This. I don’t understand why you’re putting yourself to one iota of work for this manchild?

Op here. Our mom was hoping he would come if I asked.

He never did say anything. He can wallow. Our parents can make their own arrangements to see him. I'm done.

Confused by OP's follow-up. So he did visit for Christmas or he didn't? And what do you mean he never said anything. About what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And please don't be rude or petty. You don't know what he was dealing with back then or even now, OP. It's better to be kind.

He's still bemoaning what he went through 20+ years ago. It was awful, nobody died, and it's been 20+ years. He doesn't really move past anything.

I'm just annoyed.

You said 12 years ago and now it's 20? Ok.

You're confused.

- FIL passed away 12 years ago.

- My brother had his own issues 20+ years ago. He still hasn't dealt with those issues.

So why invite him for Christmas? It sounds like you'll all be happier if you just do your own thing.

This. I don’t understand why you’re putting yourself to one iota of work for this manchild?

Op here. Our mom was hoping he would come if I asked.

He never did say anything. He can wallow. Our parents can make their own arrangements to see him. I'm done.

Confused by OP's follow-up. So he did visit for Christmas or he didn't? And what do you mean he never said anything. About what?

Op here. He never responded to the invite for Christmas at all. I haven't talked to him since.

No, he did not visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And please don't be rude or petty. You don't know what he was dealing with back then or even now, OP. It's better to be kind.

F that. - signed the oldest who has younger siblings in their 40s that still act like this. I don’t engage at all anymore with these kind of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And please don't be rude or petty. You don't know what he was dealing with back then or even now, OP. It's better to be kind.

He needs to be kind since there’s a dead parent involved.