Weird gift situation - think I offended MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

I asked for a pair of workout leggings. LOL.

It probably didn’t feel like a gift to her. Some people love practical ideas that they know you’d like, others want to feel that they’re getting you a treat, not something mundane.

I think this was it. It isn't fun to buy a specific pair of leggings. If you said you wanted a silver bracelet or slanket, you might have gotten it.

Runner-up reason could be running out of time to buy it from the merchant you specified, your size was out of stock, didn't want to get junk e-mails from the vendor, etc. Something logistical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If anything, your MIL is rude. She could have ordered the leggings and added 1/2 of extra of the items she usually buys (you said leggings were costing 1/2 of what she usually does).

I think sending a link of the exact style, color and size of a very specific item is rude. The gift giving becomes so transactional at that point. Like families who exchange $50 gift cards to various places of everyone’s choosing. Also some of the older people I know don’t shop online much so that may be off putting. It’s the thought that counts. So what if she didn’t grant OPs exact wish list.

I don't find it rude at all. I would love to get people exactly what they want. The gift is about them, not about me. OP did the right thing. MIL asked and OP made it easy for her. This is why I am upfront and just let people know I enjoy time with them, but I don't want gifts. Then I don't get into this dance of someone asking me exactly what I want and then me telling them and the person ignoring it or worrying I wasn't gracious enough and having to donate or keep in basement and display when they come. I just want to enjoy people and good times and not have all this mental clutter that comes with receiving gifts.

The purpose of a gift is to do something nice for someone else. For me, the nice thing would just be to come as yourself and enjoy some food and music and conversation with us. If you want gifts, great, I'll give them and bonus points for the person who tells me what they want so I don't have to be a mind reader.

Then why is OP presuming MIL is offended? Is it actually OP who is offended she didn’t exactly what she wanted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think sending a link of the exact style, color and size of a very specific item is rude. The gift giving becomes so transactional at that point. Like families who exchange $50 gift cards to various places of everyone’s choosing. Also some of the older people I know don’t shop online much so that may be off putting. It’s the thought that counts. So what if she didn’t grant OPs exact wish list.

I'm sorry, what exactly is rude about telling your MIL what color, style and size of an item you want? You want to buy people things that are the wrong size, color (yes, that too) or style? Better to buy less stuff that people want than more of what they don't want. Gift giving is always transactional, which is why we normally give gifts to people we expect a gift in return.

[Anonymous]

I was on your side until you said workout leggings. Too weird. I am getting you another mug. Enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

I asked for a pair of workout leggings. LOL.

This did not feel like a gift to her. It was your version of, just get me socks.
Either pass or try, again next year, but maybe something more gifty that you would otherwise not indulge in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think sending a link of the exact style, color and size of a very specific item is rude. The gift giving becomes so transactional at that point. Like families who exchange $50 gift cards to various places of everyone’s choosing. Also some of the older people I know don’t shop online much so that may be off putting. It’s the thought that counts. So what if she didn’t grant OPs exact wish list.

I'm sorry, what exactly is rude about telling your MIL what color, style and size of an item you want? You want to buy people things that are the wrong size, color (yes, that too) or style? Better to buy less stuff that people want than more of what they don't want. Gift giving is always transactional, which is why we normally give gifts to people we expect a gift in return.

Look, most people aren’t going to buy your leggings, bras, underwear, etc even if you tell them the exact color and size. MIL is more of the nice candles and pretty hand towels as gifts. Not specific clothing items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Look, most people aren’t going to buy your leggings, bras, underwear, etc even if you tell them the exact color and size. MIL is more of the nice candles and pretty hand towels as gifts. Not specific clothing items.

Workout leggings is not a bra or underwear. It's like asking for a sweater. Maybe you don't know? It's better to gift things that people need and ask for instead of stupid hand towels and candles that everyone has laying around (or can get their own scents). I personally hate when someone gifts me candles or perfume, there's a variety for a reason and I don't need my MIL deciding what candles I should have. There's nothing nice or pretty about it, just imposing your own preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Look, most people aren’t going to buy your leggings, bras, underwear, etc even if you tell them the exact color and size. MIL is more of the nice candles and pretty hand towels as gifts. Not specific clothing items.

Workout leggings is not a bra or underwear. It's like asking for a sweater. Maybe you don't know? It's better to gift things that people need and ask for instead of stupid hand towels and candles that everyone has laying around (or can get their own scents). I personally hate when someone gifts me candles or perfume, there's a variety for a reason and I don't need my MIL deciding what candles I should have. There's nothing nice or pretty about it, just imposing your own preferences.

It’s a specific clothing item. It’s gift giving, say thanks and move on. MIL didn’t make a big deal out of why is OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Look, most people aren’t going to buy your leggings, bras, underwear, etc even if you tell them the exact color and size. MIL is more of the nice candles and pretty hand towels as gifts. Not specific clothing items.

Workout leggings is not a bra or underwear. It's like asking for a sweater. Maybe you don't know? It's better to gift things that people need and ask for instead of stupid hand towels and candles that everyone has laying around (or can get their own scents). I personally hate when someone gifts me candles or perfume, there's a variety for a reason and I don't need my MIL deciding what candles I should have. There's nothing nice or pretty about it, just imposing your own preferences.

Maybe MIL thought $138 from Lululemon was stupid? I tell my kids nobody gets everything on their list. So not getting something wouldn’t be a surprise. I would think an adult would know that and not be petty about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe MIL thought $138 from Lululemon was stupid? I tell my kids nobody gets everything on their list. So not getting something wouldn’t be a surprise. I would think an adult would know that and not be petty about it.

So if one literally has one thing on the list, and instead you buy $50 worth of candles that you got on sale in the scents that nobody likes and do it 5 years in a row? Which would be better, buying those $138 leggings (not sure how much they cost) once or $250 worth of candles, because you have to give "something"? I really don't understand this wasteful thinking and attitude. Presumably you're also an adult and should understand most people don't like buying just for buying's sake and then pretending to be thankful for some s*t you gift. No wonder there is so much waste and overconsumption. It's because of people like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It’s a specific clothing item. It’s gift giving, say thanks and move on. MIL didn’t make a big deal out of why is OP?

So what if it's a specific clothing item. Plenty of specific clothing items get gifted for Christmas, in fact it's very common to gift sweaters, winter jackets etc. and normally in the correct sizes, styles and wanted colors (people exchanging gifts within a family normally know each other's likes and dislikes). In fact I've never gotten a towel or a candle for Christmas, we're not about having a spa, are we? I've gotten a mug in an office setting (with my name printed on it). MIL did make a big deal by specifically NOT buying what was asked. So now DIL gets to pretend to be thankful? How does this mental exercise even work?