Weird gift situation - think I offended MIL

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she’s the kind of person who likes shopping and finding something for people. Sending her a direct link takes the joy and surprise out of it for her. Agree that she wanted general ideas.

I don’t think you did anything wrong though, and I doubt she was offended. She probably thinks you were being polite by suggesting a low cost item and decided to get you something “better” in her opinion.

[Anonymous]

It’s a bit narcissistic for the giver to make someone else’s gift about their enjoyment in giving it. My nieces ask for absurd presents (a jade roller at age 9!), but I buy them because their gift is about what they want, not what I want to give them.

[Anonymous]

“ we non gift people “

This is me/us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

I asked for a pair of workout leggings. LOL.

It probably didn’t feel like a gift to her. Some people love practical ideas that they know you’d like, others want to feel that they’re getting you a treat, not something mundane.

+1 older generation have a thing against giving practical, every day things for Christmas, I find. Especially for holidays like Christmas they want to give things that feel festive or "special" or decorative. I've learned to not fight them and just let them do their thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

I asked for a pair of workout leggings. LOL.

Yeah you are overthinking. She just thought it was weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a bit narcissistic for the giver to make someone else’s gift about their enjoyment in giving it. My nieces ask for absurd presents (a jade roller at age 9!), but I buy them because their gift is about what they want, not what I want to give them.

This, but as long as she is a nice person in general roll with it. Usually, it's self-absorbed people or harmless clueless people who make gift giving all about their desires. Sounds like she is the latter. She means well but can't let go of her way of doing things and can't understand that other people may have a different mindset about gifts than she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ever since I've known her, my MIL has given me what I'd describe as a hodge podge of 'generic nice items' for Christmas. Things like mugs, scarves, decorative dishes, lotions, etc. She has good taste and the items are nice/good quality, and I do like them!

Yeah - in her mind nice DIL gifts are like guest towels - fancy but impractical.

If she asks again, I'd suggest something you know you could use anyway, but that doesn't scream "practical". Something you can find in a fancy gift store at a vacation spot. So - a vase, a throw or shawl, a wall hanging, a decorative beach bag or picnic basket... that kind of thing. She doesn't want to gift you anything practical! Maybe a tablecloth if it is very fancy and useless...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

I asked for a pair of workout leggings. LOL.

Yeah you are overthinking. She just thought it was weird.

If it was a specific legging that is $100, she also could possibly judge the price for the item and thought "not spending that kind of money for that." My 84 year old Mil gifts me stuff that is on sale and not nice. When she asks what I'd like, she always gets me the cheap version of the item or the item in another color that is on sale. She also would never order anything online. Your Mil may be overwhelmed with looking for a specific brand. I'm assuming this is also someone that has never left their house in a pair of leggings too.

[Anonymous]

She gives you gifts of impersonal items and then you asked for a personal item. Should have just stuck with the generic type gift that she seems to prefer giving.

[Anonymous]

If anything, your MIL is rude. She could have ordered the leggings and added 1/2 of extra of the items she usually buys (you said leggings were costing 1/2 of what she usually does).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If anything, your MIL is rude. She could have ordered the leggings and added 1/2 of extra of the items she usually buys (you said leggings were costing 1/2 of what she usually does).

I think sending a link of the exact style, color and size of a very specific item is rude. The gift giving becomes so transactional at that point. Like families who exchange $50 gift cards to various places of everyone’s choosing. Also some of the older people I know don’t shop online much so that may be off putting. It’s the thought that counts. So what if she didn’t grant OPs exact wish list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If anything, your MIL is rude. She could have ordered the leggings and added 1/2 of extra of the items she usually buys (you said leggings were costing 1/2 of what she usually does).

I think sending a link of the exact style, color and size of a very specific item is rude. The gift giving becomes so transactional at that point. Like families who exchange $50 gift cards to various places of everyone’s choosing. Also some of the older people I know don’t shop online much so that may be off putting. It’s the thought that counts. So what if she didn’t grant OPs exact wish list.

I don't find it rude at all. I would love to get people exactly what they want. The gift is about them, not about me. OP did the right thing. MIL asked and OP made it easy for her. This is why I am upfront and just let people know I enjoy time with them, but I don't want gifts. Then I don't get into this dance of someone asking me exactly what I want and then me telling them and the person ignoring it or worrying I wasn't gracious enough and having to donate or keep in basement and display when they come. I just want to enjoy people and good times and not have all this mental clutter that comes with receiving gifts.

The purpose of a gift is to do something nice for someone else. For me, the nice thing would just be to come as yourself and enjoy some food and music and conversation with us. If you want gifts, great, I'll give them and bonus points for the person who tells me what they want so I don't have to be a mind reader.

[Anonymous]

I am amazed at the ways people will twist themselves into a pretzel finding ways to be offended and thinking they offended someone. She asked for a list. You sent it. She decided not to use it. No big deal. Don't you have actual things to worry about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

I asked for a pair of workout leggings. LOL.

She probably didnt think that was an appropriate gift or didnt like them. I have asked my mom for items (when she asks) and if she doesnt like it she won't buy it. Next time think of something you want that she would probably want to buy you. One year I really needed a new mixer and wanted a fancy once, so I asked for it and she bought it. Another year I asked for nice socks I wouldn't buy myself but would like. She didn't like that gift, so didn't purchase. She does this for my child too. Again, she asked and will usually buy one or two things I ask for, and then a hodge of crap she likes. I asked for a wallet this year as mine broke and she told me as she gave me my gifts (we didn't open yet, but I wont see her on the day) that she didn't buy me a wallet.

You could resell online or do a yardsale and use the $ to buy the leggings.

My MIL always buys me a calendar with "sayings" and then tacky sweatshirts of some kind in a too small size each year pretending it was an accident, but really she thinks I need to be that small size. This year she bought my husband a very expensive nice gift and told me that was my gift too. Think expensive golf clubs for him and I don't golf.