Weird gift situation - think I offended MIL

[Anonymous]

Ever since I've known her, my MIL has given me what I'd describe as a hodge podge of 'generic nice items' for Christmas. Things like mugs, scarves, decorative dishes, lotions, etc. She has good taste and the items are nice/good quality, and I do like them! But they are typically not things I'd buy for myself (for example, she got me a cute mug one year, but I have plenty of mugs and very limited space). Regardless, I am of course always gracious and thank her enthusiastically for the gifts.

This year, she texted me and asked if I could send her a suggestion for Christmas. I was really happy she went this route and sent her a link to something I actually want/need (FWIW, it also cost about half of what I'd estimate she typically spends on the other items).

Well, we opened gifts early since they will be out of the country for the holidays and I received the usual collection of miscellaneous items and not the item I'd requested.

I am NOT complaining about not getting the gift I "wanted", but I'm thinking this was a bit odd / am worried that I somehow offended her by making a specific request that wasn't along the lines of the stuff she usually buys. FWIW, we get along well and I don't have any issues with her.

Am I overthinking this?

[Anonymous]

Yes, you’re probably overthinking. She was probably just being polite asking you but decided to get what she usually gets as she for sure was gonna do it anyways!

[Anonymous]

Yeah you are definitely overthinking this.

[Anonymous]

She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

[Anonymous]

what did you ask for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

I asked for a pair of workout leggings. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Overthinking to the max.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

This. If anyone was a bit rude, it’s her. Don’t ask for suggestions only to completely ignore them.

[Anonymous]

OP you are overthinking this and you didn’t do anything wrong and didn’t offend.

BUT.

We Non Gift People have to decide how much we want to indulge the Gift People.

If a Gift Person asks me what I want for Christmas, the honest answer would be “nothing or cash.” But that would be offensive to the Gift Person. The Gift Person enjoys the picking out and they are conveying through the picking out that they love and cherish you. It may seem odd for that message to come in scented candle form, but what happened is the Gift People and the Non Gift People evolved from different amoebas or something and we can only learn about each other but never truly understand.

So if you are answering to please the giver, rather than in full honesty, you need to give them a category in which they can still choose something. And the category needs to suit their shopping preferences, because Gift People are often also Shopping People and they are combining rituals.

Your mother in law probably blithely ignored your suggestion and went on her merry way, so don’t sweat it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

I asked for a pair of workout leggings. LOL.

It probably didn’t feel like a gift to her. Some people love practical ideas that they know you’d like, others want to feel that they’re getting you a treat, not something mundane.

[Anonymous]

She was probably worried you would tell people this and insinuate she was implying you are fat. My narcissist SIL would totally do something like that.

[Anonymous]

I think you're fine OP. My guess is she wanted more of a suggestion, not a link. She seems to enjoy giving nice gifts. Maybe she would have been open to you saying you were looking for a sweater, for her to choose the quality and color. Just ordering from a link is no fun, and then if you chose something similar but not that exact thing, she might have worried she'd offended you. And some elderly people I know don't like registering an account at an online store just to buy one item. I don't think you offended her, that's just my guess as to why she didn't what you suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

I asked for a pair of workout leggings. LOL.

It probably didn’t feel like a gift to her. Some people love practical ideas that they know you’d like, others want to feel that they’re getting you a treat, not something mundane.

Sigh. I guess everyone is different. I don't want stuff just for the sake of stuff, as nice as it may be.

[Anonymous]

I definitely would not overthink because it sounds like you have a good relationship with her. That said, if she asks you what you want, at least try being honest. You love seeing her and you are grateful to have a good relationship, but you are not a gift person. If she insists and wants ideas maybe give multiple links including things that are very low price. If she ignores it again and gives you something you don't want or need, just accept this quirk of hers and enjoy her otherwise. As long as a polite "thank you" is enough-no big deal. Add it to donations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She asked for ideas, decided that she either didn't like the item you wanted or that it's way below her budget, and then defaulted to what she usually does.

Not very deep. I don't think you offended her at all. Just out of curiosity, what kind of stuff did you ask for?

I asked for a pair of workout leggings. LOL.

It probably didn’t feel like a gift to her. Some people love practical ideas that they know you’d like, others want to feel that they’re getting you a treat, not something mundane.

Because it sounds like this is a kind MIL who means well I would let it go, but a true gift is not about the giver. It's not about the giver feeling like something it gifty enough. It's about thinking what the receiver wants and the receiver told her. That said, having a kind MIL is such a gift that having to add something to donations and pretend you like it is no big deal. It just isn't worth this BS that something isn't gifty enough. That's not OPs problem as a receiver who made clear what she wanted when asked.